Dr Robs Day

I am going to China

2011-08-17T00:57:00.002+01:00

Soon I am going to China
An adventure in my later years
Escaping the tedium of the office and salary and the 9 to 5 slog

Before I get too old
I am going to China
I'm leaving my old life
And my daughter and my dog

And I can't sleep
I lay on my bed and think
Let the doubt work into my head and kick off the quilt with irritation

My daughter on the settee a metre away snores gently
Supportive but scared of losing her daddy
And he scared
Questions the reason of the decision

I am going to China
And now I cannot sleep
Not like my daughter is sleeping innocent and trusting
But with guilt writhing in my head

And soon the roar of the jet plane with fill my ears
And the smell of China fill my nose
And my daughter will cry her tears
I think of these as I lie, awake, in my bed.

Danny Baker

2011-04-13T12:02:00.001+01:00

This is my Danny Baker story. I'm writing it simply because I am pleased that Danny is still with us after facing up to cancer.

I once taught sociology at the University of Exeter. It came to my attention via the usual sources that the students had nicknamed me 'Danny Baker'. I'm not sure why as I don't think I particularly look or sound like him. Although I do recollect that at an OU summer school disco I was asked if I was Danny Baker by a rather nice looking girl. Obviously stupidly I answered in the negative and will never know if I could have got a shag out of a positive response.

Back at Exeter ( the obvious choice for student that had failed to get into Oxbridge or Durham) I carried on through the term knowing that these bright sparks were still calling me 'Danny' (perhaps it was my working class roots, or my accent which many placed as London but not cockney although I have spent all my life south of Bristol in the west country)

Throughout the term I planned my revenge. The last lecture of the year is the one where the lecturer might give BIG hints as to what might come up in the exam which he himself had written. So a full turn out was expected.

On the day the students hung on my every word, taking copious notes trying to decipher my words for the much needed exam hints. At the end of the lecture I summed up with - 'Now if there is just one thing you need to take from this series of lectures, the most important thing is this......the students sat, attentive, rapt, their pencils poised for my most important insight.

I switched the overhead projector on (yes it was a few years ago) and there in all his glory was a picture of Danny Baker!

'That is' I pointed at the picture 'Danny Baker, a big cockney twat' and 'I' I said, pointing at myself 'am the guy that's going to mark your exams!' I kept a serious slightly pissed off look on my face

There was a stunned silence in the room, lots of nervous eyes and shuffling, until I smiled at which everyone laughed with relief and the lecture series came to a happy end.

So that's my Danny Baker story. You can follow Danny on twitter @prodnose

Thanks Danny - keep on keeping on!

Apropos of nothing

2011-04-10T13:33:00.002+01:00

Apropos of nothing
I once went to Cornwall
To get a girl out of my hair
I went for the beach and the blue sky
And to hang out eying the surf with the dudes
As if I had no other care in the world
When I got back
The girl was gone
But the sand between my toes
And the rough slap of the sun on my back
Reminded me that some times love is the better option

Then another girl
This time Scotland
I went for the hills and the climb
And the wind on my face atop Nevis
I let the whisky dull my brain
The climbs dull my body
When I got back
The girl was gone
But the aches soon passed
And the souvenir bottle soon emptied
And my life seemed no better or worse

With this other girl
I had to go to India
I had to go to find myself
Amongst the shaddus and the gurus
Learning three thousand year old philosophy
Chanting and dancing with the disciples on the ghats
When I got back
The girl had gone
And I was still lost in myself
And three thousand years of thought
Were lost when I walked off the plane

With this girl Marta
I stayed at home...

Six Nations Rugby

2011-02-13T15:01:00.001Z

Six nations rugby
The power and the glory
The blood and the beef
The thrilling knife-edge story

The kick and the pass
The maul and the ruck
Body slamming tackles
The nip and the tuck

Of the winger and scrum half
The push of the pack
No 10 sometimes the hero
Safe hands, the full back.

The trys and conversions
The full bore drop goal
Playing for their country
Mind, body and soul

The stadiums are singing
The anthems and songs
The flags and the mascots
The shirts say I belong

The players are our Heros
Their courage is unbowed
To proudly play for country
To thrill the watching crowd

The six nations rugby
An immense sporting event
Boys get out on that field
And play with passionate intent!

Lazy Sunday...blues

2011-02-13T14:15:00.001Z

It's a lazy Sunday morning
I'm sitting on my ass
I'm even saving money
By turning off the gas

A massive jug of coffee
A pile of bagels, cheese
I'm just doing fuck all
Doing as I please

Just got the Sunday papers
A forest full of news
Ones gotta keep upto date
To have some valid views

Got my iTunes spinning tunes
Got my tv on remote
I'm drinking so much coffee
My teeth may start to float

I'm not doing any housework
Not doing any chores
Ain't polishing my knickknacks
Ain't hoovering my floors

The washing up can wait a while
While I lie here on my back
I made my mind up recently
Today? I'll just be slack

Not gonna run no five miles
Not gonna hit the gym
Today my energy levels
Are set right down to dim

So pass the chocolate biscuits
Break out the carrot cake
When I hit that sugar coma
DO NOT prod me awake

It's way past Sunday morning
Still lounging on the couch
Just wile away the hours
I admit that I'm a slouch

Only eight more hours
It's slack, I know, I said
But hey just don't bug me
Cos soon I'm off to bed!

Journey

2011-02-07T10:23:00.001Z

I'm sitting on the train again
Outside it's very grey
On my way to London
A businessman today

Yesterday I was daddy
To darling daughter girl
Eatin chips and fizzy pop
Sugar popcorn till we hurl

In the evening I was Rob
With daughters dizzy mum
Coffee n cakes and laughter
I think we we're having fun

Tomorrow I'll be worker bee
Lost in the mindless hive
Head stuck in my computer
Count the seconds till I leave

I really don't know who I am
And where I want to go
But it's not where you are going
But the journeys none stop show

Sometimes I might be static
Sometimes I might be lost
Sometimes I need a helping hand
To fix the fences crossed

With no handy map or compass
I'm going with the flow
Because on this mortal journey
You just never bloody know.

Where are the geeks?

2011-01-26T10:09:00.001Z

I hate my job
I hate my desk
I hate my office
I need a rest

I hate my boss
I hate the place
I hate the smile
Across her face

I hate her words
I hate her tasks
I hate the people
Behind their masks

I hate the gossip
I hate the smarm
I hate the rules
I might self harm

I hate this pencil
I hate this pad
I hate that mouse
I might be mad

I hate my pc
I hate my phone
I hate my laptop
Don't leave me alone

I hate this morning
I hate the wait
I hate the supportdesk
The geeks are late

I hate my keyboard
I hate my water cup
I hate them mixing
My. Computers. Fucked. Up!

mademoiselle stalker

2011-01-19T15:59:00.001Z

Im writing a poem for my stalker
I know she's reading this
Its probably gone past midnight
And shes probably a little bit pissed

Shes checked my dating profile
And gone to my staff page online
She been following me on twitter
As she sips sweet white wine

She got onto my facebook
Via a family friend
She notes down from my diary
Events i'm going to attend

My post its always being tampered
My parcels expertly unwrapped
Sometimes in my kitchen Im feeling
That Im just a little bit trapped

Changing my mobile number
Is not a solution for this bitch
Within the hour of changing numbers
Texts tell me its pointless to switch

My blog is not infallible
She knows Im live online
and if MSN is working
She can messenger me real time

No more a friendly 'Hi There'
No more a winking eye
Just jagged threating wordscapes
Telling me how I might die

Im in an electronic prison
Captured in a virtual hell
And my stalker, she knows, I know it
shes one twisted mademoiselle

Christmas Poem

2010-12-24T16:49:00.001Z

Ho ho ho it's Christmas Eve
There's nothing on the tele
All that's left for me to do
Is contemplate my belly

I'm having Christmas Home alone
No festive fun for me
No tinsel baubles shiny bright
No poor sad dying tree

No turkey death on the plate
No turnip, spud or sprout
No Christmas pud in alcohol
No relatives to chuck right out

Oh I've got my loverly choc Brazils
And my mighty mincey pies
Ive got the cheese and biscuits
Not telling any lies

I don't believe that Jesus said
Go get yourself in debt
Force feed yourself with Turkey
To honour what my life beget

I'm not even Christian
But would much rather see
A Christmas that was spiritual
It's got to be the key

So let's think peace and happiness
And goodwill to all mankind
And make those wishes happen
I think that we will find

That the revolutionary message
That Jesus bought to us
Would make the world a better place
So to all and everyone I wish a Happy Christ-mas

Broke Down blues

2010-12-23T10:18:00.001Z

Woke up this morning
My car it didn't start
So I rang up the garage
To quote me for the part

I got the broke down blues
The broke down blues
My car it wouldn't start
I gotta use ma shoes

Went down to the garage
It's all down the hill
I gotta get the car there
Don't worry bout no bill

Yeah got the broke down blues
The broke down blues
Gotta get ma motor running
The mechanic needs his dues

Well the man with the spanner
He say the engines shot
Not gonna get it running
And it's gonna cost a lot

I got the broke down blues
The broke down blues
Can't get to see ma baby
Ain't gonna get me no flooze

So listen hear now people
If you don't want to pay
Don't be getting your hot wheels
From an auction on eBay

Oh I got the break down blues
Yeah the break down blues
Got no wheels a turnin
Got the broke down blues

Revolting students

2010-12-09T17:22:00.001Z

The students are revolting
We said this all along
But are facing big bad coppers
With a slogan and a song

They want an education
They don't want some hopeless debt
So they've taken to the streets
To face up to the Met

The students are revolting
Some barely in their teens
Are taking it to Parliament
They know what anger means

They face the armoured bully boys
To try to tell Nick Clegg
Now that you've all lied to us
We're gonna make you beg

The students are revolting
By dancing in the square
All they ask of parliament
Is to make the choices fair

These children of the nineties
Can only make you proud
As you stand there amongst them
That dedicated crowd

The students are revolting
They're just your kids and mine
Let's make sure they've got a future
So stand with them on the line

The students are revolting
I'm proud they made the stance
Let's sing their higher praises
And join them in the dance.

Winter from a train

2010-12-07T12:29:00.003Z

GeoTagged, [N50.89934, E3.37280]

It's icy on the outside
The fields go flashing by
Dark skeletons of tree branch
Against the darkening sky

White fields of icy sculpture
The grass an icing froth
Sheep huddled gainst the hayrick
The lakes a solid broth

Ghostly shapes emerging
From the riming mist
Bushes sparkling brightly
Whitely blushing, frost kissed

Quilted horses blowing steam
Above the icy stream
Trains hot blasting
Through this winter dream

England in the winter
A monochromatic view
From my speeding window
On the train right back to you

Landrover

2010-12-07T12:29:00.001Z

Hey ho had to sell the landrover. Slight waterleak but to much to repair for me. £400 plus. Too much to put in a vehicle that only cost me £420. But with the work I did I got £750 back!

Winter train poem

2010-12-07T11:37:00.001Z

My feet are slightly frozen
My nose is going blue
I've got a wooly hat on
I hope you've got one too

Cos the train is bloody freezing
It's getting rather cold
No heating in the carriage
The excuses are rather old

Can't understand why Its not working
Other carriages are warm
But hey this is Great Britain
And Great Western have got form

So a sub standard service
For a mighty mighty price
So we all sit here freezing
My toes are blocks of ice

No free hot coffee or chocolate
No refund of monies paid
Just blind indifference always
That's how profits are made

The temperature is falling
The windows covered with rime
There only one thing left to do
Men, I might be gone some time....

And now some good landrover news.

2010-09-24T19:13:00.001+01:00

So the good news today is that the disco went to my local garage for a cambelt change, plus a replacement fan belt and alternator belt. The quote was for about £300 - which was reasonable a friend told me she was charged over £600 at a local garage.

But when I picked up the disco the bill came to )230 - result!

Well done Mark and team at Malborough Garage St. Levens Rd. Plymouth. I've used em for the last 5 years and they have never let me down. 5 stars from me.

Beware the Cowboy - a lesson learnt

2010-09-23T12:27:00.001+01:00

More electrical drama with the disco.

So Jason fixed my land rover by sorting out the electrics for me and charging me £100 for the pleasure and looking under the bonnet it seemed like he had done a good job. All the wires were nice and tidy and of course it was going so I could drive it again.

Unfortunately I was struck down with a kidney stone and didn't get to drive the disco until last friday when I had to go up to the Hospital to pick up some medicine. On my way home I noticed that I seemed to be driving in a cloud of smoke. I soon realised that I was creating the smoke and yes once again it was coming from under the bonnet!

I stopped opened the bonnet and quickly noticed that I had a fire in my engine bay - yikes - panic!

So I swiftly ripped off my tshirt to put the fire out before it got out of hand (note to self - buy a fire extinguisher - quick)

Burnt tshirt

The cause of the fire was the shoddy workmanship of Jason the 'auto electrician' that had routed the cable over the exhaust manifold. - What a dickhead!

Here you can see what I failed to see

And this was the consequence

Jason, the professional that he is, once having been told about the fire and the damage, refused to answer any more of my calls or txts asking him to come and fix the damage cause by his stupidity. And I did ask him politely and I wasn't angry - despite the fact he could have killed me and my dog and burnt my disco to a cinder.

So fortunately I guy I know a bit is an ex military auto sparks and he did the job for me last night.

So the disco is back on the road and is booked in for the casmbelt change tomorrow.

Lets hope the dramas ease off for a while.

Costs so far:

Alternator £55
Battery £80 ish will dig out receipt when I have a minute
Electrics £100
Repair burnt electrics £30

Electricity clean simplicity!

2010-09-06T22:20:00.001+01:00

No this isn't some sort of Modern Art this is the burnt wiring that caused my Disco panic last week when clouds of smoke poured out of my dashboard.

These are the wires that caused it. Not much plastic insulation left on them - most of it has melted.

Caused according to the sparks that sorted it by wires rubbing against stuff in the engine compartment and finally shorting out causing said plumes of smoke and stalling engine.

He also said if the circuit was a continuous one ie on all the time I would basically have been left with a pile of smoldering aluminum. As fire would have been a certainty.

That and the loads of seemingly diy wiring in the engine compartment. Now, of course, nicely squared away and shipshape like what they should be.

I'll take a picture when I can and post it.

So rolling total of spend on the disco

Alternator £55
Battery £80 ish will dig out receipt when I have a minute
Electrics £100.

Happy motoring!

Well who'd a thought it....

2010-09-06T15:03:00.000+01:00

I've still got my Landrover!

For better or worse I guess. The story is this. Obviously the landrover was on ebay the last time I wrote and that was because it had an electrical fault. And the last time I wrote I was in the thrall of the ebay auction - should I take cash offers, should I let the auction run?

The bidding was creeping up and I was hopeful of getting a good sale what with 24 people watching the auction and well over 500 actually having a look at the page.

But DRAMA!

At the 20th hour, the auto electrician that had come on Saturday at the behest of a mate to give my Disco the once over txted me and asked me to call him.

So I did.

Turned out his mate had bought something else so was no longer interested in my Disco (remember they had bid £500 cash on Saturday - but I had decided to let the auction run) so he could come and fix the vehicle for about £100.

Result I thought.

So I took him up on his offer and closed down the auction. This morning I left the keys at a local garage (the one I usually use by coincidence - the electrician is a mate of the owner) and before lunch I had a call that my disco was fixed - all the electrics tidied up and bingo I'm back in business.

That I am pleased is a bit of an understatement.

The End Game

2010-09-04T22:06:00.002+01:00

So the Land Rovers on eBay and we're entering the end game. There's 1 day 14 hours left as I write 21 people are watching the auction and someone has started the bidding at £400.

BUT I've had some one come and look at it for a mate. He was an auto electrician and he had a good poke around. Did some jiggery pokery with a wire and we started the engine. And even with the little I know it's a good engine. Only done 100k.

So his mate rang up later and offered £500! Someone else has emailed and tried the old well it's fucked I'll give you £400/450 for it. Well someone had already bid the £400 for it on eBay - duh!

So what to do? My instinct is to let the auction run and see where it goes. If I only get my £400 back - well it's a lesson to be learned.

I'd hope to break even ie get what I paid and the alternator and battery back.

Best case - make a little profit.

But we'll see.

Landrover disaster

2010-09-01T13:24:00.002+01:00

Oh no! So I've put the new Alternator on. The got the battery tested. Need new battery. So put the new battery on. Drive off.

What's this the oil light is on. So check oil - that's ok. Hmm wonder what that is?

Get home. Sit outside with the engine running thinking about the oil light when the engine stalls and lots of smoke comes out of the dashboard.

Oh no - fire! What's that? Panic

No fire. But the disco don't start. :-(

I don't think I've got the ability to sort that and I think it could be expensive.

So the new Landrover Project is now back on eBay.

Sigh

:-(

The return of the Alternator 2

2010-08-31T21:35:00.003+01:00

So here's the disco ready for the minor surgery I was preparing to perform on her on Bank Holiday Monday the traditional day for tinkering around with the house or the car.

I had all the spanners laid out and my latex gloves on. First it took pictures of all the important bits

Which I will add here

Then proceeded to remove said Alternator. This is pretty easy procedure although the nuts are a bit fiddly to get to with normal spanners even with a ring end. I need to invest in a set of sockets. (I did have one can't think where they have gone)

One I had taken all the fittings off the alternator still was attached by the wiring. So I took a pic of that too

So then disconnected the electrics and fitted them to the new alternator. Together with two black boxy things that were not on the new alternator but I guessed they should be.

Getting the alternator back on was pretty straight forward.

The whole thing took me about 1hr 20 minutes

The disco started - which was suprising as I thought the battery was down BUT it didn't seem to be charging (I've got a extraneous battery charge gauge on the dash)

Took it up the local quik fit andctheyvtold me the battery wasn't charging and the alternator was only putting out 11 volts. I'm guessing the belt was still a bit loose

So I got it home and tightened the belt BUT despite me topping up the water in the battery it hadn't enough charge to start the motor.

So the story stalls here until I swop the battery from my Rover 416 to see if I have cured the alternator problem but have got a duff battery !

The ALTERNATOR 2

2010-08-26T15:41:00.004+01:00

GeoTagged, [N50.37694, E4.14095]

So this is the new Alternator for my Land Rover Discovery 200tdi bought from my local Alternator and starter motor shop. It cost £55 brand new unused.

So the Alternators from the carbreakers online cost £40 plus carriage. With a 90 day warranty. So that's gotta cost about 50 quid or more with the carriage.

So why buy a scrapper when you can buy new for about the same price.

So I went into Halfords in Plymouth City Centre to buy a new belt for the alternator. But left after a few minutes figuring that if the guy on the till cannot workout how to use the till to find the correct belt any advice or help I was going to get would be suspect. And this isn't a new till guy. He's been there a long time but the till was still beating him. Then in the middle of serving me he started to help someone else.

So I'm going to a proper motor factors place with proper grease monkeys on the till

Now I want to fit the Alternator I'll take pictures and post them here

OOOppps I just bought a Landrover Discovery 200tdi

2010-08-25T16:24:00.000+01:00

Yes I did, I did it I bought a Landrover Discovery 200tdi with my own money, nobody forced me. I just blooming well did it!

Why you ask?

I did it because I was pining for my old land rover like a Norwegian blue pines for the fiord's. And it was a cheap bargain O'Bargain.

A picture will be posted later of course, because at the moment all I have is a picture of the Alternator.

O well if you do really want to see the Land Rover part by part here's the alternator.

But it will not be The Alternator for much longer because The Alternator 2 will be coming to a Land Rover near you soon. So enjoy while you can.

Tomorrow - the new Shock Absorbers, they're green and they are MEAN!

Yes I bought a Landrover Discovery 200tdi J reg (1991) the last Disco I had had to be sold to finance the D.I.V.O.R.C.E. and to keep the solicitors in Porches and Ferrari's for doing next to no work. (And nice work if you can get it I might add - much better than having an 'ology like me(

And it was cheap. £400! with tax, mot and off road wheels and tyres extra as well as the full set (5) of alloys. Diesels not smoky and runs great, leather seats. The inside trim is a bit ropey and mucked about with, the indicator indicator(?) is not working, but other things seem to be.

Its been lifted 2 inches and has front front protection things on it an all.

Of course the Alternator needs replacing but still that's only £55 new from the local Alternator shop.

So here start the adventures of Dr. Rob and his Red Land Rover.

Oh and I bought some trim wipes in the pound shop too.....(£1)

Mouthwash

2010-03-16T00:11:00.000Z

57 Channels and there ain't nothing on

2010-03-14T13:50:00.002Z

Stonehouse Plymouth

I bought a bourgeois house in the Hollywood hills
With a trunkload of hundred thousand dollar bills
Man came by to hook up my cable TV
We settled in for the night my baby and me
We switched 'round and 'round 'til half-past downT
There was fifty-seven channels and notin' on (Springsteen)

Revolution Baby - Whatever happened to the Heroes?

2010-03-11T15:14:00.005Z

You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world

But

As soon as you’re born they make you feel small,
By giving you no time instead of it all,
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all,
They hurt you at home and they hit you at school,
They hate you if you're clever and they despise a fool,
Till you're so fucking crazy you can't follow their rules,
When they've tortured and scared you for twenty odd years,
Then they expect you to pick a career,
When you can't really function you're so full of fear,
Keep you doped with religion and sex and TV,
And you think you're so clever and classless and free,
But you're still fucking peasants as far as I can see.

Words and lyrics by the Beatles/John Lennon over 30 years ago. But given the economic crisis we find ourselves in why aren’t people taking to the streets. Where have all the revolutionaries gone?

Whatever happened to Leon Trotsky?
He got an ice pick that made his ears burn
Whatever happened to the heroes?
Whatever happened to the heroes?

Che (photo taken March 4th 1954 (my birthday!) by Korda)

The economy is down the toilet, we are in recession, the gap between richer and poor has widened and is widening rapidly, The banks have collapsed but the bankers are paying themselves huge bonuses while some people live on less than one dollar a day. Petrol prices are going up. Our politicians of all colours and in most countries seem to be bent, crooked, sex fiends, Nazis, Fascists and downright loony’s. We're fighting wars in the Middle East against what seem to be Medieval warlords and warriors with AK47's and an endless supply of IED's and we're losing. And who gives a fuck except the oil barons and the warlords who will taken any money off anyone and in the meantime we, you and I are paying for it. Plus the State is using all of this to tighten its grips on us at home in the name of security against terrorism. Hmmm, 20 years ago when the IRA were successfully exploding bombs all over the place as and when they wanted to I can't remember being stopped from taking photographs in London and other places because of 'national security'. And I guess even this blog might be picked up by some secret eavesdropping tool and my name get put on a list for even raising the subject.

The Stranglers (above) are right to ask where are all our heroes? Where are the soapbox revolutionaries like Lenin and Trotsky, the unnamed trade union, leaders of the close past that roared and fought for workers rights, people like the Tolpuddle Martyrs who were sent to Australia for the crime of 'association'.

Why is no one complaining about the state of affairs we find ourselves in? Is it because as David Bowie sings: The workers have struck for fame, 'cause Lennon's (or Lenin take yer pick) on sale again.". Is that a fortunate look into the future - to our reality where people are doped with religion and sex and TV (lets add the internet here also) and everyone thinks they are going to be famous and win the lottery or win the X Factor or Britain’s Got Talent (has it?) because its 'their life' - 'their dream'. So we don’t really care that the worlds down the tubes and we are still getting exploited and downtrodden whilst the fat cat Bourgeoisie bankers salt it away as long as some fat bird can hit a high note or a celebrity can dance?

Once upon a time I would have happily simply seen the Monarchy dissembled Let HM go and live on a nice estate somewhere and let’s use all that money for something else. I wouldn't want to go as far as the revolutionary Comrades did in Russia. And do away with the Monarchy. (and before you complain lets get this straight the revolution in the soviet union was a middle class revolution - it was not a Marxist revolution - there was not an industrial proletariat which is what Marx argues was needed for a revolution - that’s why we needed a 1st World War to stop the proletariat rising let them massacre each other in the fields of France - and by the way, Lenin’s Bolsheviks were a bunch of middle class academics as was Lenin himself ) Anyway where was I , yes lets not send the Monarchy to the guillotine they deserve to understand what its like to live on a council estate and eat £1 ready meals from Iceland.

As a political class we HAVE been emasculated, even the very act of voting and the electoral process has become a farce - just look at the way our politicians preen themselves and try to present themselves - not a single useful thought or policy amongst them . And I’m sorry to hark back to past thinkers but Lenin (or was it Marx) was right in telling us that democracy and voting is worthless, political parities simply vie to manage capitalism - they only offer us a different way to manage the same thing - Capitalism. And over a hundred years ago Marx told us that Capitalism was going to collapse under its own momentum - and it is. Marx must be rolling in his grave laughing his ass off as he watches the US becoming bankrupt - all the Western States are bankrupt - the whole system is based upon a house of worthless promises we call cash - we've seen it happen just in the last 12 months - its a House of Cards - worthless. Paper and promises that are worth nothing once confidence is lost. Notice not cold hard cash or gold, no confidence in whatever it is we call the economy or even those sheets of paper that tell us are worth five or ten pounds, if we lose confidence in the promise then we are lost and will go the way of Zimbabwe and its currency (and don't tell me the Mugabe is in any sense following a Marxist model - purleese)

I'm not even advocating a Marxist revolution by the way (Special Branch please note as this is important). What I am wondering is why o why is nobody shouting this from the streets, a hundred years ago we would have had riots in the streets about MP's expenses. Lynch mobs would have been out - the strongest critique of all these idiocies seems to be Steve Bell cartoons in the Guardian. And the 'disgraced' MP's probably will buy the original to hang in their homes , paid for, painted, moated, duck islanded, lightbulbed, protected, window cleaned, used as love nests by us - yes us - our money is simply being used (as always ) by this political middle class/aristocracy and NO ONE IS DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

Is it really this?
Keep you doped with religion and sex and TV,
And you think you're so clever and classless and free,
But you're still fucking peasants as far as I can see,

That we are so fucking comfortable in our MDS settees drinking Stella wife beater watching our 46 inch Samsung surround sound TV's that churns out tat like Eastenders, Coronation St, X Factor , Britain’s Got Talent ect eating delivery pizzas so that we can't be arsed to drag our fat asses out to the barricades and shout about the state of things.

If this is it. If this is the End of History - then I want out.

Making you aware of the state of things
A little introduction to the state of things
I'm making to sing about the state of things
They never taught you at school about the state of things
I'm telling you straight about the state of things
1-9-8-4 state of things
Cuts me wide open, the state of things
I am the reverend, I'll tell you about the state of things (Thank you Reverend and the Makers)

It takes a revolution to make a solution;

Too much confusion so much frustration, eh!

I don't wanna live in the park

Can't trust no shadows after dark
So, my friend, I wish that you could see,

Like a bird in the tree, te prisoners must be free,
Never make a politician grant you a favour;

They will always want to control you forever, eh!(forever, forever)
Thank you Mr Bob Marley

Happy Birthday Snook Doggy Dog

2010-03-04T08:26:00.000Z

Happy Birthday Snooky. 2 today!

Tis the eve of my birthday.

2010-03-03T23:06:00.001Z

Tis the eve of my birthday
And I'm lieing in my bed
If the year was really 1710
I'd probably now be dead

But now we Live forever
A hundred years or more
I've only got some 44
It sounds a wretched bore

So I'm now not even middle aged
Just over blooming youth
Tell that to my aching knees
And this niggling bitchy tooth

Tell that to the ladies
Or should I call them women
No all us hearty single men
Are obssesed with looks and slimming

Am I really all that bothered
Should I really give a shit
As I wait here for my birthday
I suppose a little bit

But this birthday time I'm single
Got no one in my bed
I tell you what I think I'll do
Is paint the bloody town red!

Happy birthday me!

Trees on the campus of University of Plymouth

2010-03-02T13:01:00.000Z

To the trains

2010-03-01T23:36:00.000Z

On the train poem

2010-03-01T23:14:00.001Z

I didn't rite a poem
I thought that you were bored
But now that you want one
How my heart has soared

Shall I rite about the train
And of my little trip
Or shall I be all arty
And rite something really hip

Or maybe just a love poem
But valentines has gone
Let's see how many to rite to
Er yes oh right just none

So I rite a rustic poem
About the country fair
As it flashes by the window
Look there and there and there

I'll rite about the cows and sheep
And all that rustic stuff
And rabbits in the greeny fields
Little grey balls of fluff

I bet with all this riting
You really are quite bored
But really rustic poems
I'm not a poetic fraud.

Sent from my iPhone

Train poem - en route to London

2010-03-01T23:10:00.002Z

Oh I've seen some little piggies
Wallowing in the mud
Did you really know
They make sausages from their blood

Now a few more horsies
And a farm just by a lake
And some trees and grass and stuff
And a wigwam goodness sake

It's all very exciting
The journey on a train
There's a browny river
By a little country lane

And now a barn in a field
And haybails on the grass
A great big stoney chimney
On the left as we pass

And then a little cottage
Flying past so very fast
And then a lovely Norman church
Reminders of our past

A White van making deliveries
Then a wooden style
Over a wooded footpath
That meanders on for miles

So this is what I'm seeing
On the outside of my train
The beauty that is England
In the pouring rain

Sent from my iPhone

Train poem 1 - on the train

2010-03-01T23:07:00.000Z

I'm sitting by the toilet
I can even hear it flush
It's also a bit pongy
Of that bluey chemical slush

I might just eat my apple
And my can of pepsi coke
I'll be very very careful
In case I start to choke

The countryside is beautiful
I've seen a sewage farm
And horses in their coaties
Doing no one any harm

I've seen lots and lots of cowies
Standing around and farting
It's really them I blame
For all this global warming

I really should be eating them
To teach them a big lesson
But then I have to shoot em
With my great big Smith n Wesson. ( difficult rhyme there)

So there's another poem
I hope it brings you joy
And I'd better get a txt back saying
Brilliant brilliant boy!
X

Sent from my iPhone

Who has made the decision that we are all STUPID? SpecSavers?

2010-03-01T11:59:00.005Z

Who has made the decision that we are all STUPID?

Ok so I have taken all the advice and I did go to SpecSavers (that my employers divies up some cash for my computer specs is nether here nor there)

But who has given the order that every customer must be treated like an imbecile or is it the fear of litigation that makes them spell out every little thing as if I have never worn glasses ever in my whole life? (I am 56 and have worn glasses since I was about 8 - so I have some experience)

First I'm told that I need varifocals (well they've been telling me this for years but I have resisted mainly on the grounds of pure vanity). So OK vanity is for Chavs and teenagers so I go with the suggestion of varifocals. But its not simple is it. First I have to have a demonstration. Hang on I gasp, a demonstration of what - of how to look through glasses apparently.

I tell the young lady that no demonstration is necessary just lets order the lenses and get on with in. No, Im told its procedure, she has to go through with the demonstration. I relent a little bit - she puts some plastic abominations on my face and asks me to look around. I do. Well? She says. Well what? I say. Any problems? She says. I say, no Ive been looking through glasses for nearly 50 years and have managed quite well without any training - please can we get on to purchasing the glasses. No, the demonstration isn't finished. I remonstrate and get the manager.

The manager takes me through a short explanation of varifocals which finishes with the advice that the varifocal lenses will cost another £150 over and above the £140 Im paying for the frames (BoGof)- Ah ha - thus the need for the 'demonstration' its to lead you to the finale and the payoff - another £150 in their pockets.

I refuse and get what I wanted in the first place. Two pairs of distance glasses one tinted for the sun and one pair for my computer vision. Sorted.

So today, I am back at SpecSavers. For my fitting. They have lost my glasses. The woman spends ages faffing around looking in drawers, telephoning people up (remember I am meant to be in work) until another woman opens the same drawer and finds the three pairs straight away - Oh how we laffed!

Then I'm fitted. This is what the consultant optician told me (and he gave me a leaflet)

1. Clean lenses with the appropriate Specsavers cleaning spray and micro-fibre cloth. He added don't use pullovers, shirts, handkerchiefs and so on. Obviously the advice of a man who has never worn glasses in his life! No, pants are softer - but not women's knickers because they have crinkly lace all over them - socks are good to btw.

2. Avoid putting your glasses face down on any surface - this is advice always followed to the letter for oh at least two days with new glasses - then who cares - get in to bed take them off sling them onto the bedside table, floor anywhere as long as you can reach them in the morning with out having to look. Why? Cos most of us are verging on being nearly blind and having to search for your glasses on a cold morning in ones underpants is not pretty.

3. Use both hands to remove your glasses to prevent undue stress on one side of frame. eh? Its often been the case when I have been in a romantic clinch that warming up very nicely that I have had to stop the proceeding's to remove my glasses with both hands (thus having to remove them (my hands) from some very warm and naughty parts btw) and then find a safe place to put my glasses remembering of course to avoid putting them face down.

4. Keep your glasses in the case provided whenever you are not wearing them. This will further reduce the possibility of scratching, protect them against breakage and will help maintain a comfortable fit - Duh. I've tried wearing them whilst they are in the case, but this has ended up with me scratching myself and breaking my nose from walking into things because I COULD NOT SEE. And who wants to carry around three boxes, Ive got my distance glasses, my computer glasses and my sun glasses. And anyway that's what the top of your head is for - to perch your other glasses on. Then all you have to do is to give them a wipe to remove the hair wax with the sleeve of your pullover or the leg of your pants or a table napkin what evers easiest - because usually I haven't bought or ever owned any SpecSaver cleaning spray and I lose the free micro-fibre cloth after about three days.

5. Avoid leaving your glasses in extreme temperatures. I never leave them in the oven - they flavour the pies - but I am worried about the four eyed brethren amongst the intrepid Antarctic expedition, what do they do? - or do their glasses fall apart at -30? Perhaps they just leave them in the box.

Yes being speccy was once a sign of being swotty and intelligent whats happened?

Plymouth dusk

2010-02-27T22:35:00.000Z

London underground

2010-02-24T16:46:00.000Z

Strange fruits in Paris

2010-02-08T18:37:00.000Z

Reflections

2010-02-03T20:10:00.000Z

Mat on Hoe

2010-01-30T16:24:00.000Z

Dog on the hoe

2010-01-30T16:22:00.000Z

BirdGuides Photo of the Year 2009

2010-01-29T18:48:00.001Z

Hi,

I saw this and thought you should see it:

http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2010/1/28/1264696453754/BirdGuides-Photo-of-the-Y-011.jpg

Sent via the Guardian's iPhone application.

Get it Here

Sent from my iPhone

Spring

2010-01-28T10:43:00.000Z

Wee wee

2010-01-26T18:37:00.001Z

PostSecret Number of gallons of water saved in one year by peeing in the shower daily: 1,157

Sent from my iPhone

First Great Western Trains

2010-01-15T19:31:00.000Z

I'm on the last train to nowhere
It's going awful slow
It will take just two eternities
To get to somewhere I know

Then if I get to Taunton
Two million light years yet
It'll only be three eons
Before Totnes I bet

And after endless ages
Have slowly gone astray
We might make Newton Abbot
Hip hip hip hip hurray

And through time and space an swirly stuff
To that timewarped Ivybridge
Where the sands of time stand stilly stalled
Well haul in the sails and luff

So the winds of time can blow us
Through centuries of time
If I thought it any quicker
I might have took the bus

And although this mighty traveller is grizzled and he's tough
The ages he has travelled have been hard and mighty rough
But he'll not roar and moan or get all nasty gruff
But please please please please please please please let me off in old
Plymuff!

Sent from my iPhone

The Ice Man cometh

2010-01-12T13:59:00.001Z

Welcome home!

2010-01-10T18:26:00.002Z

Heerrumph this is me crossing Dartmoor en-route home after the sun, sex and nakedness of my winter sun break. Back to work tomorrow - Ill just pause for another hurump!

Lots of snow over the moors, but even as I was toasting in the canarian sun there was a little bit of me that was yearning to get home to see the snow. Its strange isn't it - how we Brits like our seasons. One often hears of ex-pats complaining that they miss the seasons in their parched part of the world and I slightly understood that.

I went for a walk through the local woods and I must say it was startlingly beautiful. The snow on the trees, carpeting the ground - I took some photos which I'll post once they are off my camera.

So back to work - harump!

The last parrot

2010-01-09T12:51:00.001Z

This is the last post from Gran Canaria where I'm girding my timbers
cos I'm certain to be shivering em back in the uk tonite.

So this is a parrot, a captive parrot which I am not in favour of. But
at least it's not extinct like the Norwegian Blue. And here in Gran
Canaria I have seen a real flock of live parrots or parotkeets flying
around

Sent from my iPhone

The last parrot

2010-01-09T12:46:00.000Z

Naked Beach Volleyball

2010-01-08T15:44:00.001Z

Ok you had it coming and it is my last main day. I wasn't going to
post much nakedness but couldn't help it. Here is the naked beach
volleyball I happened upon today. It was a shock. I don't want to
stereotype but I think they were all German.

This picture also illustrates the meerkatism that seems to inflict
these people as soon as they are naked ie the standing up legs akimbo
hands on hips stance showing it off to the world. And that's both
males and females and all nationalities not just the Germans - I am
not being discriminitory here.

I also went for a swim in the sea with a lot of naked people. I'm glad
I kept my board shorts on because the rip was so strong that I'm sure
some knackers must have been ripped off! Indeed just after I got put
the life guard made people leave the water or a least only paddle.

Sent from my iPhone

Naked beach volleyball

2010-01-08T15:35:00.000Z

Jacuzzi

2010-01-07T17:31:00.001Z

This is a picture of the jacuzzi in my hotel grounds (ignore my feet
please) there are three jacuzzis. Sounds a treat doesn't it. And they
are heated to a nice barhwater type temperature. And I'm sure you'll
agree that people look relaxed in them.

Yes relaxing nicely in a warm soup of bacteria, germs, sweat and other
bodily fluids, urine, faeces, skin cells, DNA, dirt and and I can't/
daren't think what else. I'm not going anywhere near them!

Sent from my iPhone

DNA jacussi

2010-01-07T17:20:00.000Z

Cactus

2010-01-06T15:29:00.000Z

Today, 6th Jan is Christmas in Gran Canaria And Spain - when the three
wise men leave gifts for the children. In Britain I understand that
the gift has been 6 inches of Snow and Bristol airport is shut. I
wonder if I'll get home this Saturday?

Sent from my iPhone

Cactus

2010-01-06T15:25:00.000Z

Pics

2010-01-06T15:24:00.000Z

Sorry about yesterday I couldn't find a wifi spot so had to do it
today. I thought that because most of you are up to your armpits in
snow I would send some topical tropical pics. So this ones bouganville
from along the prom prom prom.

Sent from my iPhone

Bouganville

2010-01-06T15:19:00.000Z

My hotel from sunbed!

2010-01-04T20:44:00.000Z

Windmills

2010-01-03T20:34:00.001Z

The choice today folks was these great windmills made from drink cans
on the beach at Playa Del Ingles Gran Canaria (temp 29 degrees today)
or pictures from the nudist beach I seem to have wandered onto this
morning.

I'll tell you it is pretty surreal standing at a beach bar with naked
men and women next to you. And can you tell me why all nudists seem to
spend a disproportionate lenght of tome standing with their hands on
their hips. I have never noticed us clothies doing that on a beach. Or
why do they seem to have to do a lot of things by bending over?

Here's a fashion tip girls - a lot of women seem to be shaving their
bits - I can tell you for a fact it's quite disconcerting to come face
to face with so many outside of an intimate session with a girlfriend
or porno mags!

Having a great time - wish you were here!
Sent from my iPhone

Drink can windmills Playa del Ingles

2010-01-03T20:25:00.000Z

Gran Canaria

2010-01-02T21:40:00.001Z

So here I am sitting on the pormenade in Playa Del Ingles Gran
Canaria. I'm surfing on someones Internet connect as there isn't one
in the hotel I'm staying in.

I sent the photo below after I spotted this huge arrow on the top of
the clouds pointing the way back home. Is that an omen or what? Or
maybe it's a regular sign put there so pilots can find their way back.
Who knows?

It's 18 degrees here at the moment. And it's 9:30 at night - bliss.
There's a huge full moon out over the Atlantic and I've got a big
bottle of cold beer.

I'm glad I could get my picture off though.

More tomorrow!

Sent from my iPhone

Arrow in the clouds pointing the way back home - taken from the airplane

2010-01-02T20:41:00.000Z

Happy new year

2010-01-01T01:20:00.001Z

Below is the first picture of the new year and the start of my project. This is a sparkler sparkling after the bang and flash of a firework show in a field in deepest darkest Devon. Brilliant new moon bright enough to read the DTI instructions 'Do not set off fireworks after 11pm' so let's start the new decade as we mean to go on - breaking the rules!!!! Happy New Decade!

Sent from my iPhone

Happy new year.

2010-01-01T00:25:00.000Z

3 years later......

2009-12-31T11:01:00.005Z

...and I think I have got my muse back. I don't know where she went, but I have my suspicions that my Ukrainian wife had scared her off. So obviously I had to get rid of the wife. Er, if the powers that be are reading this I don't mean 'got rid of her' in the sense that you need to come and dig up my garden (although it could do with a good turn over), no what I mean is that we are now divorced and she is living happily with her new passport and results of her UK citizenship tests.

So if the proof is in the pudding here I am back blogging and feeling like I want to write again. So perhaps all's well that ends well. Its New Years Eve and Ive been wanting to do one of those projects that makes you rich when some publisher or producer finds your blog and enjoys it so much they immediately want to pay you loads of money for the book and film rights. So I have been toying with a few ideas. Obviously Belle de Jour cornered the prostitution market so that's out. And in truth I didn't really see myself as a high class 55 year old male hooker - and I'm not sure what the market is like here in Plymouth - I guess all those matlots have lots of money when they come off their ships - but think about the diseases - eek.

No I need something different, something eye catching and new and modern. Phew its hard. I'm thinking about posting a picture a day - so a picture about my life every single day of the year. I know its been done before but this year I am looking to change my life. I'm fed up with my job and am seriously looking to move. So it might be quite significant. Ive started the change by resigning a job I had with the Open University. So I am on the path - lets hope its not a slippery slope.

So that's what I going to try and do. The problem is, is I am going to fall at the starting line as I am off to Gran Canaria on Saturday and may not be able to blog till I get home. I going to set up my phone to be able to blog from it - but I may be prohibitively expensive unless I can find free wi fi.

So the first pick will be New Years Day.

Lets hope my muse stays with me for the year!

Its a hard knock life

2006-10-25T14:22:00.000+01:00

Especially when you have to work. I know I have been away for a while and have really been ignoring this blog, well not ignoring it, but just not having the time to spend on it. life has got really busy for a while.

There are lots of things I could write about but for the time being I am all written out, I have been pouring out report after report at work and its exhusting to try and think of something to write on this blog. I should be writing a report now and they are about a month late!!

So I will try to be better please keep the faith

Love to you all

rob

Blimey Is it that Long

2006-07-14T11:37:00.000+01:00

Since I last blogged, it must be, because here I am older and more irritable!

I have been really busy these past few months and have not had the free time to sit and blog or even read blogs so the blogiverse has been passing me by and not noticing apart from Gemmack that is!

Anyway the most interesting thing has happened to me, I seem to have turned into a grumpy old man. And its happened almost over night. Just until recently I was the friendly and calm Dr. Rob you all know and love, but recently I have had some venom! Everything has been annoying me. And I don't think its just the heat. Oh I know I was always one to complain at resturants, but they always desearve it, now I seem to spend a lot of time muttering under my breath about things, people, service, jobs, children furry bunny rabbits and so on.

It came to a point when just this week we had to have a meeting with Enterprise the car hire people because even they had got fed up with my complaining. But once again they deserved it, late cars, dirty smelly cars, damaged cars, surly staff (surly because they are all graduates and the best job they can get is renting cars!) the list goes on, anyway the conclusion of the meeting was I'm right, they're useless and we'll be renting our cars off Vospers from now on! Na nan na na na.

What to do, I know that actually a could do with about a month in a place that has a bona fide Maharishi where I could chant quietly, do soome meditation and yoga on the beach as the sun shines gently down on my relaxing body. But the bloody Greek Embassy can't promise a Schengen Visa for my wife before the dates we want, they can't promise anything not even a quick hummus kebab. And we only want two weeks in Crete please mr nice Greek consulate man, if you're reading this - get a spurt on for Zeus's sake!

We also went to Cambridge for their open day, what a shambles!!! Just because they're the best doesn't mean to say you can't put a bit of an effort into it, not one of the colleges gave so much as a pen away, my uni gives away mountains of them and other stuff as well. My wife was heart broken, what no pens and just a few measly plastic carrier bags, how would that look to her folks back home in Ukraine if we can't send them any freebies.

I mean at least Oxford gave us a lunch! All cambridge could muster was a few fancy bisuits and a plastic cup of tepid orange juice, this for someone who had had to get up at 3.30 a.m. in the morning (middle of the night really) and drive for 5 hours just to get there for the first meetings.

And why o why o why do cambridge seem to employ excentrics as their top people, is it that thing about the line between brilliance and madness is a fine one. Looneys the lot of them!

And even worse my stepson wanted to go to look at the Computer Science Department - ha Geek City Central U.K. is what it should be called. All sandels, google tee shirts and mad hair and thats just the lecturers!

It was pointed out to us by the king of the mad people - the dean of faculty I think he's called, that most of the idiot savants stumbling around the building were probably millionaires or well on the way to becoming one, he himself, I was told had started 12 businesses! And was one of those said millionaires. Actually not much was said about the actual learning of computer science per se, but a lot was said about becoming millionaires, great incentive to keep the application numbers up hey!

The punting was nice though!

Anyway see how irritable I've got, ypou're actually quite lucky that I haven't been blogging for the past month or so or I might have had to vent my spleen!

Have a nice day now!

Bank Holiday Blues

2006-05-30T09:56:00.000+01:00

Isn’t it great to be back at work after the Bank Holiday?

I had a pretty traditional bank holiday – I trashed the bathroom and bought a sofa!

But I also experience the motorway on Friday evening as the great bulk of London decided to make their way South West to Devon and Cornwall for their short break. I had never experienced this before and it was, I can tell you quite alarming. The motorway was overfull and the traffic was moving quite slowly out of London, but that didn’t stop some people trying to reach their destination much quicker than the rest of us. These were the people, often in highly priced cars who simply forgot, or just ignored the basic practices of driving on motorways.

One of the key ‘rules of the road’ in this country is not to undertake. Visitors to Britain will notice that lane discipline on the roads is quite strict and most people do stick to the rules. But not on a bank holiday Friday on the motorways out of London. It was exhausting, not only having to cope with the slow moving traffic but watch out for the kamikaze drivers zipping along on your offside, these are the ones that are not to visible in the mirrors and because of the discipline one doesn’t often expect to have large cars zipping past the passenger doors.

The other thing I noticed was that when we stopped at Reading Services, the place was heaving. This was I expect because all the townies, enroute to Cornwall, were panic buying at the Marks and Spencer’s outlet that is now part of this particular Motorway service station. I guess they were filling up on food in the expectation that in deepest darkest Cornwall they would have to spend the weekend living off pasties and fish n chips rather than this slightly upper crust junk food that they are used to.

I was in London to get visa’s for my wife and family, who are, as you know, Ukrainian, we had to go to Croydon to be exact. When ones goes through this, it has to be planned meticulously months in advance, the right papers have to be generated and collated, bank statements and pay slips have to be saved, letters with names and dates from utility companies have to be placed in date order and so on.

I have been quite satisfied with myself that over the past few years all the visa’s I have had to apply for have been granted, due I am sure to my meticulous planning. So it was a bit of a shock to find that upon arriving at the IND offices in Croydon to find that not only had I used the wrong form fro Vitaly, but I had also forgotten to take my PIN number for the credit card I was going to use to pay the £1000 fee! Disaster! Fortunatly I had just been paid so could use my debit card, the downside of this, of course is now we cannot eat for the rest of the month nor pay the mortgage!

Heres another something wot I wrote published on another website

2006-05-23T11:21:00.000+01:00

Just to keep yoou interested, heres an article wot I wrote:

You can find it here

The Sound of Silence

2006-05-19T16:14:00.000+01:00

I am sorry for the silence, but I have been unseasonally busy these past few weeks and have had to put my efforts into working for a change, I can assure you that I will get back to normal service as soon as I can - Monday hopefully

Enjoy the Eurovision song contest in the mean time !

The Proof of the Pudding

2006-05-05T14:21:00.000+01:00

You Are Gonzo the Great

"Is something burning in here? Oh, it's just me."
You're a total nutball who will do anything for attention.
The first to take a dare, you'll pull almost any stunt.
You're one weird looking creature, but your chickens don't mind!

The Muppet Personality Test

Expensive driving - cheap diesel

2006-05-05T11:46:00.000+01:00

Recently I was driving about this fair country of ours, zooming up and down the motorway as one does. No I really do try to not use the motorway services if at all possible, but there are times, when you know the bladder isn’t going to make it home, or when it comes right down to it you are just hungry and you need something to eat.

So it was that I used the Moto Services in Reading, I used the facilities and decided that I was hungrey and didn’t really want to eat another sandwich. So I went to look at the hotplate, maybe they had a baked potato or something. The time was about 8 o’clock in the evening – they were selling breakfast! And that’s all!

Since when has the ‘all day breakfast’ become the staple diet in this country? Why can’t a large company like Moto provide some sort of decent food for travellers. I know it was tempting fate, because the last time I visited this particular Moto, I was faced with the same problem, then they only had fish and chips on offer, no other food, nothing for vegetarians, well here at least I could have had, should I have wanted a grease laden plate the veggie breakfast! No thanks.

So it was back to the ubiquitous sandwich, I am getting sick of cheese ploughman’s!

The other thing about the motoway services that I noticed was that the diesel was now over £1 a litre!

My solution is hereYou know it makes sense!

May the Fourth Be with you

2006-05-04T13:46:00.000+01:00

Happy Star Wars Day!

HOMEMADE STAR WARS (Funny Videos)

Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

Tis a funny thing - language

2006-04-28T15:41:00.000+01:00

I like this, and I liked it so much I stole it from Cary who you can find here and also because I am half planning to take my wife to Stratford upon Avon to see Romeo and Juliet by the RSC for our 2nd Wedding anniversary which is coming up soon - (romantic hey?) So hail to the chief! (And it was his Birthday on the 23rd!) and I'm pretty sure Bill would've have a blog too!

If you cannot understand my argument, and declare "It's Greek to me", you are quoting Shakespeare; if you claim to be more sinned against than sinning, you are quoting Shakespeare; if you recall your salad days, you are quoting Shakespeare; if you act more in sorrow than in anger, if your wish is father to the thought, if your lost property has vanished into thin air, you are quoting Shakespeare; if you have ever refused to budge an inch or suffered from green-eyed jealousy, if you have played fast and loose, if you have been tongue-tied, a tower of strength, hoodwinked or in a pickle, if you have knitted your brows, made a virtue of necessity, insisted on fair play, slept not one wink, stood on ceremony, danced attendance (on your lord and master), laughed yourself into stitches, had short shrift, cold comfort or too much of a good thing, if you have seen better days or lived in a fool's paradise - why, be that as it may, the more fool you, for it is a foregone conclusion that you are (as good luck would have it) quoting Shakespeare; if you think it is early days and clear out bag and baggage, if you think it is high time and that that is the long and short of it, if you believe that the game is up and that truth will out even if it involves your own flesh and blood, if you lie low till the crack of doom because you suspect foul play, if you have your teeth set on edge (at one fell swoop) without rhyme or reason, then - to give the devil his due - if the truth were known (for surely you have a tongue in your head) you are quoting Shakespeare; even if you bid me good riddance and send me packing, if you wish I were dead as a door-nail, if you think I am an eyesore, a laughing stock, the devil incarnate, a stony-hearted villain, bloody-minded or a blinking idiot, then - by Jove! O Lord! Tut, tut! for goodness' sake! what the dickens! but me no buts - it is all one to me, for you are quoting Shakespeare.- Bernard Levin

Bird Flu

2006-04-27T12:44:00.000+01:00

I'm waiting for the virus
I'm waiting for the cough
I'm waiting for the Bird Flu
Just to pop me off

I'll have a runny nose
And a roaring red sore throat
I'll want a pound of grapes or two
I'll probably start to bloat

So bring me heinz tomato soup
And a mansize box of tissues
Books and mags and lucozade
Write this down now, I've got issues

Send all the swans to Swanage
The ducks to far Peking
The geese re route to Canada
Get the chickens on the wing

Turn the emus into handbags
Smash all the ostrich eggs
Fill the Blue Mosque full of turkeys
Please heed these word I beg

Before I get the sniffles
Send all the swallows home
Send a hundred million pigeon pies
To the Monsegniours in Rome

Lets burn the feather dusters
And spoil the birdsnest soup
Lets send the seagulls out to sea
Before I get the croup

I'm just waiting for the virus
Ducking the sparrows sneeze
I'm feeling rather heady
Hush - Is that a wheeze

I'll give me just a week or two
Before the virus hits
But before the bastard gets me
I'm offing all the tits!

Illness and Fame

2006-04-26T09:43:00.000+01:00

I have been away awhile because I have had the dreaded virus, not once but twice, hardly a week or so after the first attack a second virus got me and placed me on my back over the easter Holidays. So while everyone was enjoying the sun I was sneezing into tissues in my crumpled and sweaty bed. God help me if the bird flu does arrive in my enfeebled state I'll be one of the first to go.

However, despite that I have become famous albeit for probably less than the fifteen minutes promised me by Andy Warhol. I have been reading many blogs by people who are achieveing wonderful things. Jonny B in Norfolk is bring up a baby, I wonder, if like the Norfolk Chavs highlighted on a documentary on TV last night the child too will need subtitles to be understood - innit! Various bright and brainy academics are also on my list of reading and they all seem to be doing wonderful things in their fields of expertise and of course Vit is an artist par excellent and lives the good life in Portuglandi. What more could one want? Well I would want to live here and have Jamie make me wonderful cakes

But until then there is an article nearly all about me in the Guardian online and you can read about it here.

I am waiting now to be headhunted!

I may have to kill you now

2006-04-13T10:12:00.000+01:00

Isn't it wonderful that we now live in such an open society that even MI5 can advertise openly for spies, although they call them 'Senior Information Professionals' - well we all know what that means don't we - a job with a double 0 prefix!

Senior Information Professional

Although as I've mentioned before £25 - £33 grand don't seem much for a spy, one wonders how one will be able to afford the vodka martinis (shaken not stirred), the gambling, the beautiful jet setting women and the Aston Martin on £33 grand a year? I would imagine its a bit tight. I suppose though that there's a bit of 'back pocket' cash flying around to suppliment the income. You know the drill, brown paper envelopes stuffed with cash left at remote 'letter boxes' in Regents Park in exchange for the negatives or the top secret plans.

I would guess theres a bit of foreign travel thrown in as well, so there should be some expenses to claim back, I expect its a bit pricey getting to the Bahamas and staying in the best hotels and rolling the dice in the casinos, so that you can ingratiate yourself with Mr Big and theres always a bit of excitement to look forward to, to tell your mum about when you get home, the pools filled with Piranha, the crocodile lakes, the exploding underground HQ's and such!

I'm not sure that I want to apply I'm not too sure whether a white tux suits me and my wife would probably kill me if she caught me flirting with Moneypenny! And anyway I've a strict NO Sex in the Office rule! It messes up my desk!

This blog will self distruct in 30 seconds, if not please eat it!

Senior Information Professionals
Organisation: MI5 THE SECURITY SERVICE
Location: Central London
Salary: £25,826 - £33,428
Date posted: 10 Apr 2006
Closing date: 12 May 2006

We can’t afford to know half the story. With access to the very latest information sources we can carry out research vital to national security. Without it, we can’t. Don’t let that happen. That’s why we place the importance we do on our Information Bureau Team and the intelligence they supply. After all, having the right information, at the right time could mean the difference between obstructing terrorism, espionage and other threats to security – and the unthinkable. It’s that vital. Put simply, you’ll drive the development of our service. Based centrally or within a specific department, you’ll need to be able to perform a range of duties such as research, procurement, evaluating of sources and training. You’ll need to be able to build customer relationships and be proactive in marketing your capabilities. Innovative thinking, a flexible approach, CILIP qualifications and experience within an information role are essential to enhancing our knowledge base. Up-to-date with all the latest online and hard copy information sources, you’ll also have experience of business development and resource selection. You will be eligible to apply, you must be a British citizen and one of your parents must be a British citizen or have substantial ties to the UK. Candidates must normally have been resident in the UK for 9 out of the last 10 years; this is particularly important if you were born outside the UK.

Due to our vetting procedure your application may take up to 8 months to process.
Closing date to request an application: Friday 12th May 2006. Closing date to return your application: Friday 19th May 2006.

Discretion is important to the Service, so please only discuss this application with your partner and/or immediate family. The Security Service is committed to reflecting both Equal Opportunities and the society we protect.

10 things a guy should know by the time he's 50!

2006-04-12T09:40:00.000+01:00

Now I’m 52 it has become clear to me that there are certain things a guy should know by the time he is fifty, now this isn’t a definitive list and you might want to make additions, they are not in ranked order either!

1. Use chopsticks
2. Know where and what a clitoris is and how to use it
3. Know how to change the oil on your car and have done it – this doesn’t mean you know to take it to Kwik Fit when the red lights on!
4. Order 2 beers in at least four different languages not counting your own
5. Fix a dripping tap
6. Be able to cook a reasonable meal – cheese on toast or pizza do not count!
7. Use a washing machine
8. How much alcohol it takes to get you pissed and generally stay below that limit
9. That tight snow washed jeans a waist size too small are a fashion mistake
10. Know instinctively where the best bluebell wood is, the best beach, the best tearoom in a strange town, the nicest walk, the best view - when the wife wants a day out.

What else should be here?

Only Cowboys cause the blues

2006-04-05T11:24:00.000+01:00

It seems that my plumbing fame has travelled and that I am in demand by my wife’s Ukrainian Girls! So with spanners, hammers and assorted screwdrivers I attended the scene.

One bathroom. The problem is explained to me, the water isn’t draining out of the bath. So out comes the tried and trusted solution – Caustic Soda – Two bag full and loads of boiling water later the bath still isn’t draining properly, in fact, as is demonstrated to me, when the sink is emptied, the water comes back up out of the bath drain – huh?

Obviously more drastic plumbing action is needed. So the side of the bath has to come off and the inner workings have to be viewed. While my sink plumbing may have been put in by someone named Heath Robinson, I understand that this plumber was called Shane Clint Rowdy Maverick Doc No Name Cassidy and apparently he had turned up for work on a Palomino chewing on a ceegar, whilst whistling Dixie having come from his homestead in Missoura.

Yes it was that obvious this was the work of a cowboy! Had no one ever taken it upon themselves to explain the inner workings of plumbing and perhaps just an inkling of how gravity works, perhaps a short example, like dropping a large brick onto the guys head! It was obvious to see why the bath wasn’t draining, it was because the drain pipe rather than being fitted so that the water would flow downwards (hence the gravity lesson) the drain pipe to this bath had a distinct upward slant away from the trap. This is what gave it away to me.

Plus the pool of water under the bath was also an indication that something else was wrong. A quick examination shows that this lonesome cowboy had fitted the plughole but without making it water tight by using putty or silicone or something that would stop the water from leaking out of the bath.

Closer examination bought about by the fact that when the water came up out of the drain it bought with it what seemed to be granules of sand and cement suggested the pipes were still blocked, ah, its obvious isn’t it, that’s why the Caustic soda didn’t work. This rhinestone cowpoke had let the tile cement fall into the bath and then just swilled it down the plughole and as there was no gravity to push the cement down the pipes, it has probably solidified on the upwards portion of the piping.

There gonna be a showdown in the old town soon, I’m going up against this mangy dawg on Saturday and see if I can solve the doggone problem.

Aw shucks, I’ll keep you posted Kimosabe! Hi Ho Silver awaaaaay! I'm off to Nottingahm for a few days to a conference I've organised - nothing to do with plumbing or DIY related however.

DIY Time

2006-04-03T11:22:00.000+01:00

This weekend it has been DIY time again – there is never any rest!. This time was the kitchen tap. We had one of those mixer taps in some sort of moulded plastic that matched the sink, both were in a foul creamy brown sort of colour. And both seemed to attract stains. Tell me this Mike Da Hat, don’t the people who make these things ever ever test them for staining? I mean throw an old tea bag into the sink and there’s a brown stain that never seems to disappear!

Anyway the also seem to have failed to test the tap for longevity. Unusually rather than the tap mechanism failing what happened here was that a split actually appeared on the ‘neck’ of the tap and water started spurting out of it, so that every time we turned on the tap we had a little replica of the Mannequin Piss! And as Murphy’s Law dictates whenever we had the hot water on the spurt cascaded across the hot water tap, so if one forgot to add cold water then scalding water would leave red marks on the back of your hands.

So it was on to ebay to find a replacement kitchen tap, this was easy enough as there are loads of them at reasonable prices, we got quite a modern one to match our modern, stylish lives. The next job was to fit it.

Of course by now you know me, I laugh in the face of the tradesmen and women in this country, you will remember that you are reading the words of a man who single handedly repaired his washing machine, plumbed in the dishwasher and rebuilt the bedroom window, replacing a tap would of course be a matter of a moments work to a man such as I.

That was until I looked into the cupboard under the sink!

I now firmly believe that the plumber who did the plumbing in our kitchen was called Heath Robinson, the maze of pipes under there was remarkable, fortunately not a soldered joint could be seen, at least this genius used Yorkshire fittings.

Anyway still undaunted I set too. Now I don’t know about you, but when I do this type of work, I like to be sort of close to what I am doing, by that I mean I find it very uncomfortable to have to do all the work at arms length. Despite the fact that having to do the work at arms length is like some torture devised at Guantanamo Bay where they are hoping to turn the former Jihads into socially useful plumbers, if the ever let them out.

The other problem with working at arms length is that everything is outside my vision, the focal length of my glasses places everything at about that distance fuzzy, I mean they are good enough to drive, I can see the TV, read books, and so on, but doing something under the sink at arms length seems to render me semi blind, so I even try taking my glasses off, but still no dice, maybe one of the consultant opticians reading this blog can come up with some sort of rational explanation!

So I eventually go the old taps off, with few problems, I still had all my fingers and marbles. All I had to do now was reverse the process and get the new tap on. Which I did, got it all connected up, but of course there was a minor problem which meant dismantling it all again and going up to B&Q to get some more olives, no I wasn’t peckish for a salty Mediterranean snack, I mean the brass olives that one uses with the Yorkshire fittings.

But of course I did it, no doubt saving myself a huge fortune in plumbing bills and increasing my credibility with my wife. The tap looks great and works like a dream pouring out hot or cold water at the flick of the stainless steel handle.

Of course it looks the sink still looks like shit and I should have bought a nice stainless steel one while I was at it, but then the cabinets would have looked worse than they are and of course our boiler is old and need replacing, but not where it is, so it has to be moved on to the wall where some cabinets are, and then we would need to strip off the horrible artex (who was the imbecile who invented that and how does one get it off the wall, without actually demolishing the wall – and why o why do people actually think that Artex looks nice?)

O I also fitted on of those pot racks that hang from the ceiling to hang our saucepans from so that our kitchen can look like a professional kitchen where the likes of Jamie and Hugh would cook. _ I’ve only banged my head on the pots three times – I suppose I’ll get used to them – once the concussion has gone.

Next time, fitting laminate flooring in the bathroom, but the question is, should I buy a new bathroom first and get ride of the horrible avocado suite that’s in their now before I do the flooring?

The Great Blog Story - Chapter 13

2006-03-29T12:17:00.000+01:00

Your humble writer here, has stepped into the breach and has written chapt 13 of the Great Blog Story and its now up and live and you can read it by clicking on the link on the side bar.

Enjoy!

Holiday in St. Ives Cornwall

2006-03-27T13:44:00.000+01:00

This last week I have been on Holiday. Together with the Ukrainian Wife we went for a few days to sunny St. Ives in Cornwall. We walked around a lot in the rain and went into a lot of galleries where struggling artists were trying to sell paintings similar to the picture above. I took that for free on my digital camera. If I had wanted the same picture but in acrylic on board or canvas, it could have cost me about £300!

They look something like this:

After walking around a bit more and having a coffee, we went to the Tate Gallery in St Ives. It wasn't very good. Although there were some nice pictures by Turner
Turner moonlight

who had toured around the West Country making sketches, as one does. We looked at the graffiti outside of the Tate and that was much more interesting that some of the artwork inside the Tate.

The main display other than the Turner was by some women who painted things like this:

Blue Square

I'm sorry but I just don't get it.

We walked around some of the craft markets as well, but some of the things on offer there were, well, just a bit too dubious!

On another day we went to the Seal Sanctuary in Gweek. And looked at the seals, it rained that day too!

But all in all St Ives is a Beautiful Place

I recommend it.

Trading Standards and DELL Computers

2006-03-17T14:53:00.000Z

I've just this minute reported DELL computers to trading standards. It really annoys me that these companies can get away publising misleading ads about their products.

It all started when I saw an ad in last wednesdays Daily Mirror. The ad draws you attention to what they call 'Dell's Lowest Priced Notebook' and it is priced at £299. Which to me looks like a bargain because I have been looking for a laptop for my wife, who just want to use word and excel, so we don't really need a top spec one.

This laptop, the Dell Inspiron 1300 is quoted as having

Intel Celeron M processor 370
Windows XP Home edition
256mb ram
40gb hard drive
24x CD/DVD drive
56K modem
1 year euro collect and return service

Sounded good to me, so I went to their website, think I might purchase one.

On the website www.dell.co.uk/offer you actually find that the Inspiron 1300 is quoted at £348 pounds, you click through the links to buy and suddenly the price is up to £424 and I havenh't done anything yet, just clicked through the links!

By changing some of the selections I now have it down to £407 .48p, thats a bit off the quoted £299

So I telephone their sales desk, and speak to a very nice man, probably in Bombay because I couldn't recognise his irish accent!

He goes all through the listing again and comes up with a price of £405

Now where is that £299 Laptop they are advertising?

Illness abounds

2006-03-15T09:23:00.000Z

Since last week, my last post actually, I have been ill. The virusy sort that makes you feel like a peice of felt thats been swept under a carpet in a place where lots of people in spiky high heels are walking all over you! PLus its making me cough a lot and I have an on going headache.

So i have spent much of the time in Bed, except for the weekend when it was my daughter matilda's seventh birthday, and I as it was also my weekend to have here I couldn't be ill for her could I, so I put on a brave face and soldiered on. We did all sorts of things and went to see Chicken Little. I thought that this might give me the opportunity for 90 minutes of sleep in a darkened cinema, but I actually watched the film and it was OK (ish) and sort of relative to a situation I am embroiled in with my littlest sister - all that moralising about closure and talking it through and listening to each other touched a raw nerve!

But most spookily, yesterday I did actually attempt to come back to work, even though I still wasn't feeling my best and guess what happened...

Yes I had a POT NOODLE!

What you say 'A POT NOODLE? - yeeuuuurrrrgh!

I Know I know, the last time I had a pot noodle was about 20 years ago, but yesterday after a team breifing I walked out of my office into the local shop and bought myself a POT NOODLE for lunch.

I don't know why I did it, perhaps it was some sort of Benylin enduced hympnotic state I had entered into (especially after snoozing through nearly 2 hours of a team briefing).

Or perhaps my body was craving some of the stuff thats in this, I hesitate to call it food. Maybe the antioxidants and stuff they use will have some beneficial effect on my raddled body, ease the coughing maybe (I've been coughing like an elephant with a hair stuck up its trunk) or something, maybe the eminent doctors and scientiosts that read this blog will come up with an answer - my name on the patent please.

Anyway today, even though I am coughing my way towards my coffin I have to drive up to Bristol, I should be in bed, I think, but I have something to do that has been booked for a while and it would just be such a hassle to have to re book it.

Who says us men make a meal out of being sick, I think I am being a brave soldier an all.....

Lots of pink fluffies and sympathy in the comments box please!

INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY MARCH 8TH

2006-03-08T10:09:00.000Z

womens day

Today March the 8th is International Women’s Day. Apparently it is a day when women on all continents, often divided by national boundaries and by ethnic, linguistic, cultural, economic and political differences, come together to celebrate their Day, they can look back to a tradition that represents at least nine decades of struggle for equality, justice, peace and development.

And yet we hear very little of it in this country. For my Ukrainian wife, this is a big day, a day of celebration, in her country it is a holiday – why not here?

These are some of the issues raised by International Women’s Day

Some of the issues the U.N. and International Women's Day have focused on include the following:
• About 25,000 brides are burned to death each year in India because of insufficient dowries. The groom's family will set the bride on fire, presenting it as an accident or suicide. The groom is then free to remarry.
• In a number of countries, women who have been raped are sometimes killed by their own families to preserve the family's honor. Honor killings have been reported in Jordan, Pakistan, Lebanon, Syria, Iraq and other Persian Gulf countries.
• According to the World Health Organization, 85 million to 115 million girls and women have undergone some form of female genital mutilation. Today, this practice is carried out in 28 African countries, despite the fact that it is outlawed in a number of these nations.
• Rape as a weapon of war has been used in Chiapas, Mexico, Rwanda, Kuwait, Haiti, Colombia, Yugoslavia, and elsewhere.

So to all you women who read this have a happy Women’s Day solidarity, peace – and when you’ve got a minute I’d like a nice cup of tea please!

And by the way, us men have an International Men’s MONTH – who says size doesn’t matter!

happy day!

Hooray todays my birthday!

2006-03-04T08:16:00.000Z

Today it is my Birthday
I’m feeling kinda tired
Yet only 20 years ago
I’d have been feeling kinda wired

Today it is my Birthday
Another year gone
I’m wondering about all those
Great things I shudda done

I shudda travelled round the world
And seen the Taj Mahal
Kissed all the lovely women
Not let my life just pall

I shudda climbed some mountains
And swim in the Japan Sea
Sing monkey songs with monkeys
Eat marmosets for tea

I shudda walked the China wall
And swum with dolphins free
I shudda leapt that canyon grand
On a fat boy Harley D

I shudda worshipped idols
On the road to Shangri La
Listened to the silent monks
Just one hand clapping – Nah!

I shudda spent some money
On diamond rings and pearls
I shudda spent some evenings
With durty durty girls

I shudda found some inner peace
I shudda found a route
I shudda got my arse in gear
For my tree of life to fruit

I shudda had the kumquats
The centre sweet and soft
Lived a magazine type lifestyle
In an airy New York Loft

Or I shudda been a poet
Eating canapés and brie
Like William Butler Bloody Yeats
On the isle of Innisfree

But today it is my birthday
And all that stuff is tosh
If I really take a look around
My life is just awash

My loving wife and family
My darling little girl
Make all these sad sad sad regrets
Unpick, deflate, unfurl

Who wants a New York Lifestyle?
And Marmosets for tea?
Who cares about the idols?
And the fat boy Harley D?

I’d rather have my family
Than all the china tea
Because after all that moaning
I’m pretty pleased with me

So hurrah today’s my birthday
Next one I’m fifty three
But maybe one day you’ll find me
On that Isle of Innisfree.

Ricky Gervais downloads for your FREE ipod/mp3 player

2006-03-03T21:51:00.000Z

This is great, its the only place to get Ricky Gervais downloads

The Ricky Gervais Show, only on Audible

And you can get ba FREE ipod here

Free iPod

He wear no shoeshine he got toe-jam football

2006-03-01T14:59:00.000Z

I seem to have, over the past couple of weeks, been growing something in my shoes. Yes I seem to have toe nail fungus. This seems to be linked with the fact that for some unknown reason I developed an infection in my right big toe – how does that happen? I didn’t bang it, I am perfectly healthy, I don’t stick things into my big toe nor do I stick it where it’s not wanted, I basically stick it into my sock everyday with the rest of my foot and forget about it.

But now something hideous is growing on it or in it. Seems that what this is is called onychomycosis and one webapage tells me ‘Onychomycosis refers to the invasion of the nail plate by a fungus’. Arrgh I have a fungus. I’ve been invaded.

Now the closest I have been to a fungus recently is the quorn fillet I had for my dinner the other day oh and the quorn sausages I had recently. I really don’t want to think that what I have under my toenail is of the same genus as what I have on my dinner plate I mean UUURRRRGH!

Look even the quorn logo now looks a little like a big toe nail doesn’t it. I feel a little nauseous.

toejam

The doctor told me to get some canestan (Thrush) cream to put on my toenail but I have been treating it with tea tree oil which is antiseptic and anti fungal. But another webpage gives a lot of alternative cures. But first Ask Alice lists the main symptoms of toe nail fungus

thickening of the nail
brownish or yellowish discoloration of the nail
"toe jam" accumulating under the nail and along its edges (sometimes that toe jam can smell pretty rank)
brittle crumbling or breakage of the nail

I can go with thickening of the nail, the brownish discolorations – but Toe Jam? UUURRRRGH number 2. Why does everything have to refer back to food? What the F? is Toe Jam? Wait while I search Google…….

Well according to the Urban Dictionary one of the few places I could find a definition it is either:

An insulting reference to someone affiliated with the University of Southern California (also known as the "University of Second Choice" or the "University of Spoiled Children." The mascot of the University is one Thomas the Trojan, also known as Tommy Trojan. Thomas is often prophylactically sheathed in plastic in order to protect him from his admirers at that fine cross-town academic institution, the University of California at Los Angeles.

(a cultural reference which of course being a Brit I don’t get – Americans please clarify)

Or

the tiny treats that accumulate between the toes of attractive female feet
"I enjoy eating the tasty toe jam I find between DragonLily's toes at the end of the day."

(retch)

or

That grey-brown shit that accumulates between your toes. Primarily composed of dead skin cells, sock fluff and sweat.

(But I never get that….)

So having searched the whole of the internet I cannot find any thing that vaguely satisfies any definition of what toe jam is and how to recognise it apart from Alice telling us that it smells pretty rank and some people like to suck it off their girlfriends toes. Call me kinky but I prefer my fungus disguised as a healthy vegetarian sausage next to a pile of mashed potatoes!

So what are the remedies?

Vinegar, Vicks Vapour Rub and Tree Tea Oil seems plausible; Potassium Iodide (KI), diluted bleach and piss seem slightly less plausible. To me that is, some people might find it perfectly plausible to use Potassium Iodide which is more commonly known as a tablet that you take, immediately after being exposed to nuclear radiation.

Further has whoever recommended using piss thought this out? I put it to you that while it is relatively simple for us guys to point and shoot, with some degree of accuracy, the girls would have one whale of a job hoping around trying to hit to offending toe!

And here is a recommendation from the wacky side of the farm:

Here is a remedy you can add to your list. I read this on the internet probably 5 years ago. I can't find it now. The web site said to take a magnifying glass and concentrate the sun on the bad nail for 30 seconds a day. He said he didn't know if it was the heat or the ultraviolet light that killed the fungus. I don't remember how many days you were supposed to do this. I thought it was interesting.
I am currently using the Vicks on two bad fingernails. My husband's aunt swears up and down it worked for her on fingernail so we shall see.
--Michele

So I have to live with the realisation that there is something resembling a Lemon and Black Pepper quorn escallop living under my toenail.

toe jam quorn

Salad for tea tonight!

No Prize for guessing which song does the line I have used in the title of the blog comes from.

Well maybe a little pot of Toe Jam perchance?

My Wife in Ukraine

2006-02-24T12:14:00.000Z

I thought my blog was getting a bit plain so here's a pic of my wife in Ukraine last year.

Waiting for four o clock and the weekend - do this

2006-02-24T12:10:00.000Z

http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html

A Newer Fitter Me

2006-02-23T07:47:00.000Z

So it’s been a month now without any alcohol, except for two glasses of wine when friends came around and about two glasses of champagne on Valentines Day. I must say though I don’t feel any better for it apart from losing weight. When you see those people on the TV who have stopped alcohol for a bit they’re always praising the way they now feel. It must be all in the mind.

Mind you I wasn’t a big drinker anyway. If we had it in the house I would have a drink most evenings but I never go out to bars etc. just for a drink, to bloomin expensive to start with.

Yes I have been good this last month. I started off reading the Gillian Mckeith book ‘You Are What You Eat’ because even as a vegetarian of about 30 yrs one can still get into bad food habits and eat junk – and I had got that. Plus after Christmas I started to feel really down and I had noticed that my weight had really crept up.

So I started the detox diet she suggests, not majorley sticking to what she wrote but my own sort of version of it. Warm lemon water first think in the morning, lots of green stuff, fruits and vegetables and stuff like nettle or dandelion tea, which I quite enjoy now!

Luckily I also found a juicer and a blender at a carboot sale and have started juicing; now that does make you feel good. So its juice, smoothies and salads for me! This guys book is really good: Jason Vale, The Juice Master’s Ultimate Fast Food.

Search Gillian McKeith and Jason Vale here!

Plus we joined a gym. I’ve been going for about two weeks now and things are fine.

I think these are the things that make you feel good, not just giving up alcohol, but the combination of eating well, drinking juice and exercise, but I still wake up at about 5a.m! I hope that this will solve itself as I get fitter!

Anyway it seems to work as I have lost about a stone in weight (about 7 kilos) a new slimmer fitter me beckons!

Valentines Night- a cautionary tale

2006-02-15T11:13:00.000Z

Ok so the restaurant is booked, I have paid the £40 deposit. We are expected at about 9:15 as I am working on Tuesday night. We look forward to a romantic dinner, listening we are told to the gentle strains of a saxophonist!

We arrive at 9:15 as planned and are shown to our table where we sit. And we sit and sit. After about half an hour of sitting, we have run out of romantic chit chat and am fed up of yelling over the blare of the saxophone and the three piece band that seems to have been fitted into a small box . We are now both fidgeting on our chairs. A waiters comes by, I catch his eye. ‘Has someone taken your order sir? He asks. ‘No’ I reply. He takes our order, I remind him that I am a vegetarian and that I had informed the restaurant of this salient fact when I booked, it was ‘no problem’.

We wait for the appetiser. I have eaten all the bread, the rose looks appetising, but on inspection it is a false rose (cheapskates!) About 10 minutes later the waiter turns up with a plate of Oysters which he places in front of my wife, we wait for my appetiser. After another 10 minutes, I get up and go looking for the waiter. He tells me that ‘there isn’t a vegetarian appetiser’. I sit and watch my wife eat her Oysters.

10 minutes later he’s back saying very sorry but there is after all a vegetarian appetiser, although he hasn’t got it with him, he goes away, I wait, my wife eats her oysters (3). I wait and wait, we play with the foil hearts strewn across the table trying not to think of Kenny G whose music at this moment is quite appealing.

After another 10 minutes I get up in search of the waiter and find him on his way with lentil soup. I start to complain, but he insists that its not his problem and they are really busy, do I want to speak to the manageress? I say yes.

I sip my soup, the lentils are chewy, uncooked. This is clearly a soup that has a hint of desperation about it. The bread thing floating in it, tastes bad. I remove it from the soup. Well I call it soup but it was basically brown water, enlivened with chilli and ginger at the bottom of which were a couple of teaspoons of uncooked lentils. I can make better lentil soup and I know you cannot cook a lentil soup from scratch in about 20 minutes unless its out of a tin – which at that moment I would have preferred. – I left it.

The waiter came back, ‘is every thing OK sir?’ ‘No, the soup is uncooked’ I said. He whipped it away from under my nose and stalked off. The manageress had still not appeared to listen to my complaint.

The saxophonist blared away in the background.

The manageress turned up bearing our next course, all chatty and smiles, she didn’t ask what was the problem and my wife had asked me not to cause a scene. So I left it and ate my gnocchi.

We ate and drank a little, we yelled sweet nothings at each other. They bought a flaming sambucca to finish the meal. It was now nearly midnight.

I went to pay. There was a obnoxious drunken guy arguing with the manageress about something to do with their evening, and she was attempting to totally ignore him while serving me. I was edging away from the desk as it seemed likely that the fracas in front of me was going to escalate as his tone and language also escalated.

She couldn’t seem to find our ticket, so she just wrote out a total on a bill sheet. £130!

I said What?

She said £130.

I said ‘No way, you told me £35 a head when I telephoned and booked, plus you have already had a £40 deposit off me’.

‘Well you have had a 5 course meal’ she said, Its £65 a head.

‘And the service was crap’ I parried ‘I sat there for the best part of 40 minutes without being served and when I was served the food was uncooked’! Plus you told me it was £35 a head, if you had said £65 a head on the phone I would not have booked it.

‘You don’t want to pay then’ she said

‘Well’ I said, ‘I’ll pay the £35 a head’

‘You’re not going to pay then’ she said

‘OK, I’m not going to pay’ I said.

She turned away and ignored me

So we left.

That was our romantic night out!

I cancelled my bank card this morning because she has the number from when I gave it to her over the phone and no way is she getting that money.

This always happens to me in restaurants, I always seem to get bad service, poor food or the waiters forget we’re there. Or is it that I’m one of the few who will complain about bad service in this country.

And its not any excuse to say ‘we’re really busy’ – its Valentines Night for Christ sakes, you knew you were going to be busy!

The food of love hey!

Valentines Day Gift of diamonds

2006-02-08T15:13:00.000Z

While we are at it I may as well suggest that you go an buy the beautiful 4 carat brand new created diamond earrings I am selling on ebay for a bargain price and I only have two pairs!!!.
go here

Valentines Gift Ideas

2006-02-07T16:33:00.000Z

Romantic Gifts
Name a Star
Wine Tasting
Flowers
Jewellery

Unique Gifts
Gifts For Him
Rally Driving
Flying Lessons
Ferrari Driving
Sky Diving
Sailing Day

Gifts For Her
Day at a Health Spa
Balloon Flight
Jewellery
Perfume
Chocolates

Romantic Breaks
Cruises
Spanish Breaks
Visit France
Caribbean Breaks
Luxury holidays

A poem for the Valentines season!

2006-02-07T13:55:00.000Z

Digigran complained that there were too many lists and not enough poems. So here's a topical poem wot I just wrote.

Hope you Like it.

Valentines Day

I’m thinking of my Valentine
It’s that time of year
I’m thinking of my Valentine
I’m thinking of a spear

Or should it be a teddy
The type that she could wear
Or would she be more comfortable
With a fluffy teddy bear

Or a floppy dog with ears
And a great big wet wet nose
A great big box o chocolates
Or a luverly red red rose

I’m thinking of my Valentine
I think she’s thinking ice
Great big stonking diamonds
I’m thinking of the price

I’m thinking of my Valentine
I’m thinking of the food
At the expensive restaurant
I hope it’s not to rude

To point out to my Valentine
The prices al la carte
That lobsters, crabs and oysters
And Frenchy Apple Tarte

Will spoil our little Valentines
When we get the bill
I don’t want my darling Valentine
To see me being ill

So just thinking of my Valentine
I vote that we stay in
It just a cynical marketing ploy
And I’ve just forgot my PIN

So I’m thinking of my Valentine
I’m such a caring man
I’m thinking of my Valentine
Isn’t that a plan?

4x4 meme

2006-02-01T09:43:00.000Z

I have been tagged to do this by Mary Plain and I understand that it is a breach of blogger etiquete to refuse to do it. So here it is.

4 places I have lived:
Vanderbijpark, South Africa
Noordwijkerhout, The Netherlands
Weston-Super-Mare, Somerset
Ley, Cornwall

4 jobs I have had:
Supermarket sweeper
Hospital porter
Soldier
Precision Turner

4 favourite movies
Some Like It Hot
Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars (do DVD’s count?)
Zulu
O brother where art thou

4 favourite TV shows
Time Team
Flog It (for ebay research purposes)
Pay your mortgage off in two year (for obvious reasons)
Life on Mars

4 favourite CD’s
Ziggy stardust and the spiders from mars – D. Bowie
Burn the Black Coat – Juliet Turner
Dustbowl Symphony – Nancy Griffiths
Songs of Leonard Cohen – L. Cohen

4 places I have been on holiday
Crimea – Ukraine
Washington DC – USA
Marrakech – Morocco
St Ives - Cornwall

4 things I love to do
Surf
Travel
Read
Write

4. Favourite Books
Gulag – Ann Applebaum
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - Robert Pirsig
Bhagavad Gita
On The Road - Jack Kerouac

4 websites I visit daily
ebay
jonny b’s secret diary
Travel to Ukraine
The great blog story

4 bloggers to tag! Gemmak, Vit Beer Girl

Delicate situation - advice please

2006-01-30T09:07:00.000Z

A delicate situation has developed here at home and I need some advice, and I know dear readers that you are always available to give the rest of the world the benefit of your experiences.

What has happened since we bought the place we live in (its a masionnette i.e. we have someone living in a flat above us) is that the guy upstairs has decided to sub-let his flat. Now first off this is in flagrant disregard of the terms of the lease as the property is leasehold. But we can put that to one side for a bit.

Because he decided to sublet, he and the two girls he is subletting to (his girlfriends daughter and friend, both students) have been renovating the flat since about september.

Let me first say that while we were away this summer he had a leak in his flat which has damaged a ceiling in one of our rooms, which he has promised to fix and its still not done, I keep being told that the builder, who is helping with the renovation will 'do it soon'

So since the summer we have put up with regular bangings, sawing, drilling and hammering going on upstairs. We have complained when its gone on too long, like twelve midnight and they promised not to work after nine o cloclk in the evening as some mornings we have to be up at 6. But neverthe less they have broken the rule occassionaly.

Now the work is nearly finished, our cealing is not fixed, but they have started to move in . So the other night they were banging and drilling till 11,but we let it go as we were up. Then the next early evening they had music on so loud we couldn't hear the TV without putting the volume up, so I went and complained and the music went off.

I do keep reminding them that there is no sound proofing in this building and we can hear everything

Then saturday night hoovering at 11 o clock

And Sunday morning at 7 o clock the Ohhs and ahhs of sex going on, the grunting arrghs uuurrrgggs of orgasms

Now I'm not a prude but do I really want that and also my 6 year old daughter was visiting and usually awake at that tiime.

So the dilemma is, the next time they make a noise and I go up to complain do I tell them that I can even hear them fucking to see if I can embarass them into silence, or simply tape it and sell the tapes to porno movie manufacturers - who can contact me via this blog!

Advice please

MY extra pet hates

2006-01-21T12:45:00.000Z

My extra pet hates are those new cars in which the designers have decided that the old fashioned and perfectly usable hand brake is a bit outdated and needs a re-thinK

So in the Renault megane, one doesn't have a hand brake, sited perfectly usefully between the driver and passenger seats, no they have a flippy flappy thing on the dash board on the right hand side of the steering wheel. So when ever one is braking at traffic lights or stopping on a hill, one finds one's left hand flapping around in the empty space where the hand brake should be while at the same time the vehicle stards drifting slowly backwards as you start to panic slam the foot brake on and then remember the flippy flappy bit on the dashboard.

On hill starts the thing is automatic but until one understands that and the unconscious brain becomes used to it one spends a lot of time skiping up the hill tryingto work the flippy thing.

IN the Zafira I had yesterday, they hadn't removed the original hand brake as renault had done, but re-designed it, so now its like some sort of plastic handle on a space shuttle, or one of those throttle things you see pilots wiggling up and down on jumbo jets. Again when reaching for the brake ones hand is automatically reaching for a normal hand brake but has to change direction half way down to reach for the big plastic thing lying down where the ashtray and coffee cup holder normally are.

Why o why when a thing works properly and is efficient do designers have to change things.. am I a luddite?

My Pet Hates of the Month

2006-01-19T08:21:00.000Z

So ive been busy doing what they pay me for which means a lot of driving around and not getting too much time to blog.

But I thought I would tell you about my pet hates as I have been driving around this past week or so.

Pet hate Number 1. Coldplay have excelled themselves and have now become the new Phil Collins. Whenever you turn on the radio and on whatever channel you happen to choose Coldplay are playing their dreary, lite weight, whimsical, o so laid back and cool toons - how does one describe the noise they make, twanging guitars and what sort of vocal presentation is that? Like Phil Collins they are becoming a national irritant and we need some sort of super cortizone cream to rub them away.

Pet Hate Number 2. In some sort of bizzare upgrade I found myself the recipient of a Nissan Patrol 4x4 rental car the other day instead of the normally staid but zippy Ford Focus I usually have. This was fun, it had lots of buttons to press and levers that I didn't dare touch in case the engine fell out or something but were probably to do with driving over mountains in outer mongolia. The bestest thing was the sat nav, I've never played with one of those and it was great, it could tell me where I was on the planet to within about 2 meters and keep me entertained telling me to go straight on , or as she put it, 'keep to the left', but my pet hate about this car (well not so much car as 've-hic-le' ) which would probably cost about £30.000 plus was that outside of any built up area (just the types of places one should see a 4x4) the bloomin radio didn't work, it just hissed white noise at me, it wouldn't even find one channel to keep me entertained. I would even have been pleased if it could have only played Coldplay all day, but no Nissan have put the cheapest meanest radio in their super ve-hic-le, boo, cheapskates!

Pet hate number 3. Is having rude driving companions. Yesterday I took out to one of the places I go to a colleague, she was interested in the results of what I do, so she came along. Now I don't mind that and usually we chat away the journey as one does. Not this minx, oh no she was more interested in her mobile phone than having anything at all to say to me. Click click click beep. One minute later beep beep beep, click click click - click click click click beep. You know what I'm saying. And all the time, dickhead me keeping the radio sort of lowish, attempting to make conversation, but you know it is inpossible with someone who is so technologically rude that their phone, txting life, is more important that the human being sat next to them. Begone satan!

Pet hate Number 4. Petty managers at work who have banned the wearing of denim in the office - how 1970's is that? Not that I do wear it to work, my jeans are too scummy, so it don't affect me and to my knowledge none of the others wear to work the fashionable stuff, all cuts and rips and tears, most when they did wear denim to work wore normal blue denim jeans. (and in my office it is predominantly women and most of the guys wear 'work trousers' if you know what I mean) So here we are in the 21st century and denim still has a bad reputation, mad huh?

Gotta go much more driving to be done this week, hopefully on my own and I can't say without hearing coldplay, because of course when I switched on my car radio this morning there they were lurking like stalkers out to get me!

Have a nice day.

Blog Story - My Chapter

2006-01-12T14:38:00.000Z

Hello

My chapter, Chapter 9, in the great blog story has been published if you would like to go and read it go here

Thank you

A Charity Appeal

2006-01-10T15:27:00.000Z

This is an appeal in the same vein as those adverts we are seeing for lost and lonely doggies on the TV. You have to read this blog in a slightly soft, o so caring voice, that is almost but not quite patronising, you have to imagine the tug at your heart strings, the welling up of tears in your eyes, the lump in your throat, that slightly sqishy feeling in your pants.

But this is not an appeal that concerns you the ordinary reader, lurker or blogger, this appeal is made to my celebrity bloggers, nay not even to the celebrities who can all turn away in a huff at being ignored, no this blog goes out to my multi-millionaire readers.

Yes that’s you the King of Brunei, Howard Hughes, Duke of Westminster, Bill Gates, Roman Abramovitch, The Count of Monte Cristo, King Midas, George W Bush and all you rich people out there – pay attention.

I was born and raised down in Weston-Super-Mare
In a house way back near the woods
I was so ragged folks used to call me Patches
Papa used to tease me but he was hurt cus he done all he could
My papa was a great old man
I can see him with a splinter in his hand
See, gloves he never had
But he did wonders when the times got bad
The little money from the maggots he raised
Barely paid the bills we made
Oh life had kicked him down to the ground
When he tried to get up life would kick him back down
One day papa called me to his dyin bed
Put his hands on my shoulders
And in tears he saidPatches,
I'm depending on you son
To pull the family through
My son, it's all left up to you

An I’m tryin Daddy I’m tryin

Folks all we need to make things good, to give my family that happy home, where we’ll never be sad again, why even little Yaroslav may smile again, is really a small amount of money.

What you give can bring a little sunshine into one family’s life, it will make a husband stand tall again as he looks out across the Ocean with a sunset in the background, it will make his wife feel like a woman once again, a mother, a shoulder that all too many times has been cried upon.

Yes we’re asking you rich folks to donate probably less than 1% of one hour’s income to support this hard up family here in the UK.

This is the year of giving.

This is what your donation will mean to this family.

$10 buy this family some bread
$100 will make sure they have a floor in their bathroom
$500 will allow a daughter to see her mum
£1000 new clothes
$80,000 will give this family a home in the Crimea
$100,000 will remove the strain of years of hardship
$1,000,000 will give you so much publicity that it will make you a household name and people will think of you like a saint.

Thank you for listening

God Bless

Here’s the paypal link for your kind donation.