10 Things Not To Do At Christmas

1. Open the door to the chav carol singers as they will only be casing the joint., have a handy bowl of boiling oil(add a stick or two of cinnamon for that festive aroma) simmering by the front bedroom window to help them ‘ding dong merrily on high’

 

2. Don’t take pictures of your kids doing anything this Christmas and then send them off to SupaSnaps because you will probably be getting a visit from a tall dark stranger over the New Year, an officer from the pervert squad down the local nick!





3. Stay away from Scotsmen and women until about the 10th January (I have followed this advice since being ‘chatted up’ by a drunken Scots woman in a chip bar in Johannesburg on New Years Eve, I have fond memories of her whisky breath, her rum and black ‘moustache’ and the deep fried haggis she was spitting all over me)

4. Do not give an extra quid to the Big Issue salesmen just because its Christmas, he’ll/she’ll only go and waste it on more designer clothing – what has happened to the tradition of raggedy, smelly, drunken, Dickensian beggars at Christmas? Have they no sense of the traditional?




5. Buy your husband, boyfriend, significant other an aquarium, unless you are 100% sure that he has asked for one (I speak from sad experience – it still smarts)

6. Buy your wife, girlfriend, significant other anal lubrication gel unless you are 100% sure that she has asked for it (It will smart and you might be spending a lonely Christmas day eve on the couch)

7. Invite your Muslim friends around for a non secular Christmas Lunch, roast turkey will all the trimmings, inc Pork sausage meat stuffing…..




8. Tell your wife that instead of the fur coat, pearls, BMW Mini she desperately wanted this Christmas, you have bought her a herd of goats for a village in the middle of Africa (see the final sentence of #6 above! But you will still feel good about it, although lonely)



9. Do not, after the office party, go on to the ‘club’ with your younger colleagues, the chances are you’ll make a fool of yourself by (A) getting drunker and doing ‘Dad or Mum’ dances on the dance floor, (B) getting drunk and thinking the blonde office assistant is making eyes at you so you make an advance only to be made a fool of in front of all your colleagues or s/he might take you up on it and shag you stupid in the bogs. (C) Some one will spike your drink with Rohypnol and you will wake up shagged stupid in the Gents toilets.



10. Do not cover your house with lights and festive Homers it only encourages the Americans, who after all can’t even do Christmas properly as they only have one day’s holiday. Hence the term Happy Holidays – the holidays being Christmas Day and New Years Day – and as a term is probably up there with Happy Xmas!