Monday, January 30, 2006

Delicate situation - advice please

A delicate situation has developed here at home and I need some advice, and I know dear readers that you are always available to give the rest of the world the benefit of your experiences.

What has happened since we bought the place we live in (its a masionnette i.e. we have someone living in a flat above us) is that the guy upstairs has decided to sub-let his flat. Now first off this is in flagrant disregard of the terms of the lease as the property is leasehold. But we can put that to one side for a bit.

Because he decided to sublet, he and the two girls he is subletting to (his girlfriends daughter and friend, both students) have been renovating the flat since about september.

Let me first say that while we were away this summer he had a leak in his flat which has damaged a ceiling in one of our rooms, which he has promised to fix and its still not done, I keep being told that the builder, who is helping with the renovation will 'do it soon'

So since the summer we have put up with regular bangings, sawing, drilling and hammering going on upstairs. We have complained when its gone on too long, like twelve midnight and they promised not to work after nine o cloclk in the evening as some mornings we have to be up at 6. But neverthe less they have broken the rule occassionaly.

Now the work is nearly finished, our cealing is not fixed, but they have started to move in . So the other night they were banging and drilling till 11,but we let it go as we were up. Then the next early evening they had music on so loud we couldn't hear the TV without putting the volume up, so I went and complained and the music went off.

I do keep reminding them that there is no sound proofing in this building and we can hear everything

Then saturday night hoovering at 11 o clock

And Sunday morning at 7 o clock the Ohhs and ahhs of sex going on, the grunting arrghs uuurrrgggs of orgasms

Now I'm not a prude but do I really want that and also my 6 year old daughter was visiting and usually awake at that tiime.

So the dilemma is, the next time they make a noise and I go up to complain do I tell them that I can even hear them fucking to see if I can embarass them into silence, or simply tape it and sell the tapes to porno movie manufacturers - who can contact me via this blog!

Advice please

Saturday, January 21, 2006

MY extra pet hates

My extra pet hates are those new cars in which the designers have decided that the old fashioned and perfectly usable hand brake is a bit outdated and needs a re-thinK

So in the Renault megane, one doesn't have a hand brake, sited perfectly usefully between the driver and passenger seats, no they have a flippy flappy thing on the dash board on the right hand side of the steering wheel. So when ever one is braking at traffic lights or stopping on a hill, one finds one's left hand flapping around in the empty space where the hand brake should be while at the same time the vehicle stards drifting slowly backwards as you start to panic slam the foot brake on and then remember the flippy flappy bit on the dashboard.

On hill starts the thing is automatic but until one understands that and the unconscious brain becomes used to it one spends a lot of time skiping up the hill tryingto work the flippy thing.
IN the Zafira I had yesterday, they hadn't removed the original hand brake as renault had done, but re-designed it, so now its like some sort of plastic handle on a space shuttle, or one of those throttle things you see pilots wiggling up and down on jumbo jets. Again when reaching for the brake ones hand is automatically reaching for a normal hand brake but has to change direction half way down to reach for the big plastic thing lying down where the ashtray and coffee cup holder normally are.
Why o why when a thing works properly and is efficient do designers have to change things.. am I a luddite?

Thursday, January 19, 2006

My Pet Hates of the Month

So ive been busy doing what they pay me for which means a lot of driving around and not getting too much time to blog.

But I thought I would tell you about my pet hates as I have been driving around this past week or so.

Pet hate Number 1. Coldplay have excelled themselves and have now become the new Phil Collins. Whenever you turn on the radio and on whatever channel you happen to choose Coldplay are playing their dreary, lite weight, whimsical, o so laid back and cool toons - how does one describe the noise they make, twanging guitars and what sort of vocal presentation is that? Like Phil Collins they are becoming a national irritant and we need some sort of super cortizone cream to rub them away.

Pet Hate Number 2. In some sort of bizzare upgrade I found myself the recipient of a Nissan Patrol 4x4 rental car the other day instead of the normally staid but zippy Ford Focus I usually have. This was fun, it had lots of buttons to press and levers that I didn't dare touch in case the engine fell out or something but were probably to do with driving over mountains in outer mongolia. The bestest thing was the sat nav, I've never played with one of those and it was great, it could tell me where I was on the planet to within about 2 meters and keep me entertained telling me to go straight on , or as she put it, 'keep to the left', but my pet hate about this car (well not so much car as 've-hic-le' ) which would probably cost about £30.000 plus was that outside of any built up area (just the types of places one should see a 4x4) the bloomin radio didn't work, it just hissed white noise at me, it wouldn't even find one channel to keep me entertained. I would even have been pleased if it could have only played Coldplay all day, but no Nissan have put the cheapest meanest radio in their super ve-hic-le, boo, cheapskates!

Pet hate number 3. Is having rude driving companions. Yesterday I took out to one of the places I go to a colleague, she was interested in the results of what I do, so she came along. Now I don't mind that and usually we chat away the journey as one does. Not this minx, oh no she was more interested in her mobile phone than having anything at all to say to me. Click click click beep. One minute later beep beep beep, click click click - click click click click beep. You know what I'm saying. And all the time, dickhead me keeping the radio sort of lowish, attempting to make conversation, but you know it is inpossible with someone who is so technologically rude that their phone, txting life, is more important that the human being sat next to them. Begone satan!

Pet hate Number 4. Petty managers at work who have banned the wearing of denim in the office - how 1970's is that? Not that I do wear it to work, my jeans are too scummy, so it don't affect me and to my knowledge none of the others wear to work the fashionable stuff, all cuts and rips and tears, most when they did wear denim to work wore normal blue denim jeans. (and in my office it is predominantly women and most of the guys wear 'work trousers' if you know what I mean) So here we are in the 21st century and denim still has a bad reputation, mad huh?

Gotta go much more driving to be done this week, hopefully on my own and I can't say without hearing coldplay, because of course when I switched on my car radio this morning there they were lurking like stalkers out to get me!

Have a nice day.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Blog Story - My Chapter


My chapter, Chapter 9, in the great blog story has been published if you would like to go and read it go here

Thank you

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

A Charity Appeal

This is an appeal in the same vein as those adverts we are seeing for lost and lonely doggies on the TV. You have to read this blog in a slightly soft, o so caring voice, that is almost but not quite patronising, you have to imagine the tug at your heart strings, the welling up of tears in your eyes, the lump in your throat, that slightly sqishy feeling in your pants.

But this is not an appeal that concerns you the ordinary reader, lurker or blogger, this appeal is made to my celebrity bloggers, nay not even to the celebrities who can all turn away in a huff at being ignored, no this blog goes out to my multi-millionaire readers.

Yes that’s you the King of Brunei, Howard Hughes, Duke of Westminster, Bill Gates, Roman Abramovitch, The Count of Monte Cristo, King Midas, George W Bush and all you rich people out there – pay attention.

I was born and raised down in Weston-Super-Mare
In a house way back near the woods
I was so ragged folks used to call me Patches
Papa used to tease me but he was hurt cus he done all he could
My papa was a great old man
I can see him with a splinter in his hand
See, gloves he never had
But he did wonders when the times got bad
The little money from the maggots he raised
Barely paid the bills we made
Oh life had kicked him down to the ground
When he tried to get up life would kick him back down
One day papa called me to his dyin bed
Put his hands on my shoulders
And in tears he saidPatches,
I'm depending on you son
To pull the family through
My son, it's all left up to you

An I’m tryin Daddy I’m tryin

Folks all we need to make things good, to give my family that happy home, where we’ll never be sad again, why even little Yaroslav may smile again, is really a small amount of money.

What you give can bring a little sunshine into one family’s life, it will make a husband stand tall again as he looks out across the Ocean with a sunset in the background, it will make his wife feel like a woman once again, a mother, a shoulder that all too many times has been cried upon.

Yes we’re asking you rich folks to donate probably less than 1% of one hour’s income to support this hard up family here in the UK.

This is the year of giving.

This is what your donation will mean to this family.

$10 buy this family some bread
$100 will make sure they have a floor in their bathroom
$500 will allow a daughter to see her mum
£1000 new clothes
$80,000 will give this family a home in the Crimea
$100,000 will remove the strain of years of hardship
$1,000,000 will give you so much publicity that it will make you a household name and people will think of you like a saint.

Thank you for listening

God Bless

Here’s the paypal link for your kind donation.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Key Questions Answered

This is the start of some occasional postings answering some of the questions that have puzzled us for eons. I feel that I can do this because I am, as you know a Dr. of some repute, in some areas.

The question exercising us today is: Are Fluffy Kittens cute?

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If we look at some of the available evidence we will find that enormous amounts of the internet are given up to the worship of fluffy kittens. Some bloggers are incessant in their praise of fluffy kittens, blogging millions of words, wasting valuable internet resources and bandwidth which could be utilised searching for aliens or at least Osama Bin Laden, (See Gemmak) saving the world rather than ooohing and arrrhing over fluffy kittens.

These people seem to overlook a number of important pointers which indite these so called fluffy kittens, i.e the fact that while they beguile one with their fluffiness and wide eyes and tippy toe steps around the kitchen they are simply looking for somewhere new to have a crap and a piss, normally the new duvet cover, your brand new slippers or a handy beret.

The clincher to this thesis is the antithesis that Kittens are not in fact fluffy and cute. The simple way to prove this is to shave one.

Here’s one I prepared earlier.

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This proves that Kittens per se are not Fluffy and Cute, the fluffy and cuteness is inherent in their fur and not as a crucial part of the kitten in itself, that is why of course women want to wear cat fur because it then imbibes them with certain aspects of cute and fluffiness, which is something all women seem to aspire to and if they can’t make it themselves by naturally looking nice, they utilise fluffy kitten or cat or other cute and fluffy animal fur to disguise their natural unfluffy kitten like characteristics (not I note peeing and pooing on the duvet covers but other aspects like hissing fits, sharp claws and so on)

Here’s an example:
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To be honest we’d all prefer to see this woman without the fur coat wouldn’t we and I’m not talking about the politics!

I think that you’ll all agree that I have fairly answered the question Are Fluffy Kittens Cute?

Sunday, January 01, 2006

My New Years Revolutions

These are my New Year resolutions:

1. I will not attempt to overthrow the legally elected government of the United States of America – not this year anyway

2. I do not intend to get any of my bits pierced ( accidental piercing don’t count)

3. I will remain continent

4. I will not lower myself and respond to the constant sexual harassment I suffer by watching all those RnB babes shaking their booties on MTV, Beyonce in particular is lucky I don’t sue

5. Once again this year and since being able to read, I will not believe in aliens, or that human beings were ‘seeded’ onto this earth by aliens and the evidence is in the bible, this is an emergency resolution bought on by a particularly boring New Years eve guest last night, who I believe in a strange twist of fate will never be coming again, if I have my way – perhaps an alien abduction!

6. I will not persecute and harass forever the three young local boys whom I just caught tiptoeing up our front path casting avaricious glances at my mountain bike.

7. Once I have won the lottery I will pay someone to blog for me – that’s how shallow I am

Happy New Year and Snovom Godom to all my Russian/Ukrainian readers!