He wear no shoeshine he got toe-jam football

I seem to have, over the past couple of weeks, been growing something in my shoes. Yes I seem to have toe nail fungus. This seems to be linked with the fact that for some unknown reason I developed an infection in my right big toe – how does that happen? I didn’t bang it, I am perfectly healthy, I don’t stick things into my big toe nor do I stick it where it’s not wanted, I basically stick it into my sock everyday with the rest of my foot and forget about it.

But now something hideous is growing on it or in it. Seems that what this is is called onychomycosis and one webapage tells me ‘Onychomycosis refers to the invasion of the nail plate by a fungus’. Arrgh I have a fungus. I’ve been invaded.

Now the closest I have been to a fungus recently is the quorn fillet I had for my dinner the other day oh and the quorn sausages I had recently. I really don’t want to think that what I have under my toenail is of the same genus as what I have on my dinner plate I mean UUURRRRGH!

Look even the quorn logo now looks a little like a big toe nail doesn’t it. I feel a little nauseous.

toejam


The doctor told me to get some canestan (Thrush) cream to put on my toenail but I have been treating it with tea tree oil which is antiseptic and anti fungal. But another webpage gives a lot of alternative cures. But first Ask Alice lists the main symptoms of toe nail fungus

thickening of the nail
brownish or yellowish discoloration of the nail
"toe jam" accumulating under the nail and along its edges (sometimes that toe jam can smell pretty rank)
brittle crumbling or breakage of the nail

I can go with thickening of the nail, the brownish discolorations – but Toe Jam? UUURRRRGH number 2. Why does everything have to refer back to food? What the F? is Toe Jam? Wait while I search Google…….

Well according to the Urban Dictionary one of the few places I could find a definition it is either:

An insulting reference to someone affiliated with the University of Southern California (also known as the "University of Second Choice" or the "University of Spoiled Children." The mascot of the University is one Thomas the Trojan, also known as Tommy Trojan. Thomas is often prophylactically sheathed in plastic in order to protect him from his admirers at that fine cross-town academic institution, the University of California at Los Angeles.

(a cultural reference which of course being a Brit I don’t get – Americans please clarify)

Or

the tiny treats that accumulate between the toes of attractive female feet
"I enjoy eating the tasty toe jam I find between DragonLily's toes at the end of the day."

(retch)

or

That grey-brown shit that accumulates between your toes. Primarily composed of dead skin cells, sock fluff and sweat.

(But I never get that….)


So having searched the whole of the internet I cannot find any thing that vaguely satisfies any definition of what toe jam is and how to recognise it apart from Alice telling us that it smells pretty rank and some people like to suck it off their girlfriends toes. Call me kinky but I prefer my fungus disguised as a healthy vegetarian sausage next to a pile of mashed potatoes!

So what are the remedies?

Vinegar, Vicks Vapour Rub and Tree Tea Oil seems plausible; Potassium Iodide (KI), diluted bleach and piss seem slightly less plausible. To me that is, some people might find it perfectly plausible to use Potassium Iodide which is more commonly known as a tablet that you take, immediately after being exposed to nuclear radiation.

Further has whoever recommended using piss thought this out? I put it to you that while it is relatively simple for us guys to point and shoot, with some degree of accuracy, the girls would have one whale of a job hoping around trying to hit to offending toe!

And here is a recommendation from the wacky side of the farm:

Here is a remedy you can add to your list. I read this on the internet probably 5 years ago. I can't find it now. The web site said to take a magnifying glass and concentrate the sun on the bad nail for 30 seconds a day. He said he didn't know if it was the heat or the ultraviolet light that killed the fungus. I don't remember how many days you were supposed to do this. I thought it was interesting.
I am currently using the Vicks on two bad fingernails. My husband's aunt swears up and down it worked for her on fingernail so we shall see.
--Michele

So I have to live with the realisation that there is something resembling a Lemon and Black Pepper quorn escallop living under my toenail.

toe jam quorn



Salad for tea tonight!

No Prize for guessing which song does the line I have used in the title of the blog comes from.

Well maybe a little pot of Toe Jam perchance?