Spooky - foreginers you're not allowed to read this - its secret - you have been warned!

I don’t really know what to make of this and any of you foreigners out there had better shut your eyes because the rest of the message is secret and will self destruct in 30 seconds!


I have just received an email via a job agency informing me of a job in MI5 – yes the secret service.

‘Dear Jobseeker, Our customer, MI5, would like you to know about vacancies they have for linguists. See below for further details’.

They want me for a spy. They can tell that I am from the same mould as James Bond but without the Celtic burr.

However, on closer inspection, though it seems like they might not be as clever as they thought they are (and isn’t this why Mr. Blair and Pres Bush are in trouble), the advert – which is clearly targeted (not a good word to link with MI5) at me is for:

ARABIC, URDU AND SORANI SPEAKERS – I am useless at foreign languages – where do they get their information from?. I'm no cunning linguist (say that carefully!)

They go on to say:

The Security Service protects our society from terrorist threats. To do so we need to recruit people from all the diverse communities we serve.

Working as part of a team in support of an investigation, this is what you would do:

• Translate telephone conversations into English.
• Extract the relevant information.
• Provide help with understanding cultural backgrounds.
• Communicate with people working on other parts of the investigation.
• You may also be involved in interpreting.
In return we offer flexible hours, generous training and opportunities to progress.

In order to apply you must be a British Citizen. Due to our vetting process, your application may take up to 8 months to process.

Salary £21,000 plus benefits. They’ve got to be kidding right. Work as a spy, for MI5 for £21 grand. I earn more than that now! How can you live the life of a true spy on £21 grand – in London! There’s the fast car, the fast girls and of course the casino to consider. Plus there's no mention of guns or blowing things up. Indeed the whole job sounds like its working in a call centre. No creeping around in the middle of the night, cameras through mirrors in seedy back street hotels. No having to kiss beautiful russians. (although I do have one of those at home!)

The interesting bit is in the next sentence:

Discretion is important to the Service, so please only discuss this application with your partner and/or immediate family.

Err I might not be blogging for a while, not until my fingers heal and I get access to the computer wing at the Isle of Wight Prison!

I only done for a laff really officer.