My wife - the thief!

My wife is a thief! Yes a tealeaf. It doesn’t bear thinking about. The shame and the dishonour that will soon be upon our collective family heads – shame spread all over us like a collapsing tent at Glastonbury - it will probably be too much to bear. We’ll be hounded out of the City.

It’s getting so I can’t even take her out. Every where we go is a potential crime spree for her. I don’t know what to do. I’m at the end of my tether. The trouble is she ropes me into getting her ill gotten gains.

Take last weekend for instance, there we where enjoying a nice day out, the sun was shining and the next thing I notice is that’s she’s slunk off and is filling her bag with swag! In the middle of the day, in broad daylight – this woman has no shame. Now I know what the government is going on about when it keeps complaining and blaming all of the problems of this country on these Eastern European migrants who are, it appears, according to some govt spokesperson, ripping us off blind.

It must be something genetic or cultural, in their blood, like people from Liverpool! This crime gene that she has just started to display, O yes, she was the picture of honesty and good behaviour before I married her, now look, I’m married to the Ukrainian equivalent of Bonnie Parker - Bonniski Parkerski but I’m no Clydeski let me tell you that! Oh no a picture of honesty me!

We can’t go for a simple walk without her being tooled up and ready for an easy blag. I tell you no ones garden and flowers are sacrosanct when she’s on the prowl. I’ve mentioned that last week we went to the Eden Project which is an oasis of rare and protected plants and trees, as well as loads of common or garden varieties. She took two plastic carriers and a knife with her! Fortunately there were loads of people around so not much got into her bags, but the shame of it all, I even found myself pinching off a leaf from a trailing geranium for her in the Californian area! And I hate geraniums, they have a horrible smell!

Then there was the time when I was doing an exhibition at a stately home, not a million miles away from Plymouth, and she decided to come with me on the Sunday as it was a nice day and this place was by the sea. I thought that it was a bit strange that I didn’t see much of her that day, but I must admit I was busy and she popped up now and again for tea and cakes etc. It wasn’t until we were leaving that I noticed the two very large and bulging carrier bags that she was carrying.

What are those? I said in an accusing tone?
‘O just a few plants, a few cuttings’ she says
I eyed the earthy covered roots hanging out of the bottom of the bag where it was splitting and I walked a little faster to the car and we hurried away.

I know there is one of those apocryphal stories going around about the Eastern European guys catching and eating the Carp out of their local council’s ornamental ponds as they thought they were free but my wife sees the local council’s floral displays as her own personal local garden centre and flower nursery! It can’t go on.

She’s terrible – but saying that our garden is a picture!