Animal Magic

It was of some interest that while I was watching the Remembrance Day parade last Sunday that they mentioned that there was a memorial for the ‘Animals of War’. This, it seems, is a memorial for all the animals, dogs, horses and pigeons and so on that served human kind during their darkest hours and suffered the greatest penalty.

Intrigued by this passing reference I decided to do a little more research into the subject and in this blog I will pass on my findings about these courageous animals.

It turns out that a wide variety of animals served including: elephants, camels, cats, canaries and of course glow worms.

However, it seems that a number of animal hero’s have been forgotten and lost to the records. I will attempt to put this wrong right


For instance little is known about the battalions of hedgehogs that were specially trained to work undercover in enemy territory.

Each hedgehog, once dropped into enemy territory would make their way to where the Hun were camped up. Once there the hedgehogs would create a LUP (SAS slang for ‘lying up position’) and wait for night to fall. Ever watchful the hedgehogs would wait under banks of leaves and bonfires waiting to be lit until the German soldiers had had their fill of schnapps and sauerkraut and had staggered off to bed. When all was quiet these brave hedgehogs would snuffle up close to the tents and await their moment, quills a quiver. An hour or two later the unsuspecting soldier would stagger out of the tent bursting for a piss and then the hedgehog would strike, placing them selves selflessly under the feet of the soldiers causing massive trauma to the soles and stopping them marching the next day. Many hedgehogs never survived these encounters and there are countless more lost in the forests of France not knowing that the war has been over for the last 60 years.

In a further futile effort many of these hedgehogs attempted to stop the movement of the Tiger Tanks towards the French Coast and ultimately England by throwing themselves under the tank tracks all a-bristle but to little avail.

Also unknown to us were the vast armies of lice that were trained to live in the clothes of the enemy soldier slowly sucking their blood until said soldier was too weak to even abuse the local French Peasantry. Unfortunately it was not known until more later that these lice had no patriotism or pride in the flag at all as they soon deserted in their millions as the new fresh and clean (somewhat cleaner than the continentals) bodies of the British Soldier clambered up the sandy beaches of France as the invasion started. These traitors, when found, were summarily executed by either vast amounts of DDT or simply crushing between fingernails and burning all ones clothes.


More successful were the VD bacteria let lose on the foreign armies. This has been a traditional way of attacking the enemy since the days of Wellington. During the Second World War a single regular solider, Reg Smith, was chosen to be the carrier. Reg comes from a long line of infected soldiers. Once across the Channel as part of the invasion force Reg had his wicked way with as many unsuspecting French Girls as he could. Once the bacteria was in place it was able then to attack the unsuspecting German soldiers as they raped their way across Europe. This was so successful that it is believed it is this selfless action by the bacteria that finally got the Higher Command, infecting Hitler, Gobbels and all rotting their minds.

Unfortunately, once again, this action was let down by the soldiers of France who, also fancied a bit after a prolonged action and bedded the infected French agents. To this day the boys and girls of England are warned off bedding the French! Mothers say it’s because they don’t wash and smell of Garlic, but we now know the truth!

So friends, lets not forget those selfless creatures that serve on our behalf. At this moment in the war torn areas of the world there are countless animals serving. Our cats are digging up gardens and pooping in Israel. Battalions of pigs are on stand by for Iraq, and of course the friendly butterfly – the A bomb of our time, is awaiting Tony Blair’s word to be shipped out to the far east where it will flap its wings in China and create Chaos across the world!

We will remember them!