Super Star DJ

Am I getting old or is it that I just do not understand the superstar DJ phenomenon?
Why is it that these guys are so famous, just for playing music? Not that they are actually playing the music, merely putting the CD in the machine or cueing up a track on some vinyl. Some don’t even choose the music, most radio DJ’s have producers who choose the music according to the play list. They just press a few buttons. In America I believe all you have to do to become a DJ is shout loudly and swear.

It seems to me to have all got a little disjointed and out of hand. A bit like Ferrari mechanics becoming more famous than Schumacher! And they all have such stupid names like Flat Boy Dim, DJ Bang, DJ Jazzy Deff, DJ Funkmaster Drunk. Come on, it’s not that hard is it?

Get down to Maplin’s get your ‘DJ in a Box’ kit (160quid) then off to the car boot sales and charity shops for the albums and singles and you’re away on your new career – don’t forget the crazy name!

I did DJ’ing for a bit one summer down in Newquay. It’s not hard. My day went like this.

Wait on Breakfast
Clean Bars
Serve bars
Afternoon off
Wait on Dinner
Serve bar till about 9 ish
Be a superstar DJ till 2 in the morning.

It was easy. My bar mate would ensure a constant surreptitious supply of bottled Pils (on the house of course) and I would be off.

Here are some tips for the likes of Flat Boy that I picked up when DJ’ing to the holiday crowd in Newquay during the summer of 81 – they are probably still relevant today.

Get some red jeans – cos you gotta look the part!
The Nolan Sisters – I’m in the Mood For Dancing will fill the dance floor pronto, especially useful if you have a moody crowd.
Play the Gap Band - Oops Upside Your Head about 5 times in a row, while the dance floor goes mad with everybody doing the ‘rowing’ dance
Save the slow ones for the end, cos every one likes a smooch and it’s a guys last chance to cop a shag after all the nice girls have been picked by the dance floor John Travolta’s.
Remember the context, so in Newquay the Beach Boys always goes down well with the surfer crowd, if you are touring your act for example try not to use a mega mix of the Dam Busters March and the Theme to the Battle of Britain in Berlin, they might prefer David Hasselhof or Kraftwerk better.
Remember Americans can’t dance (apart from aforesaid Travolta, Gene Kelly and Astair) play something they can stamp their feet to like Dueling Banjo’s, it makes them feel at home or a nice polka.

So there you go - all the inside knowledge of what it takes to be a superstar DJ. Follow these tips and you will probably have a number one hit and be a big star by the summer when you can zoom off to Ibiza for fun in the sun.

Mail me your DJ name so I can watch out for you. Good Luck