Secret Santa Ho Ho Errr!

Secret Santa

Ho Ho Ho, Its that time of year again, yes we’ve hardly entered November and the buzz around the office is the Secret Santa event. This is where a member of staff is designated to put all the names of our work colleagues into a hat and then we have to troop down and take a pick. The name you choose then becomes the recipient of an anonymous gift from you at the Christmas Lunch.

This means that I have to pick a name and then go and spend, to the maximum of £5, my money on somebody I don’t really know and if the odds are against me somebody I really loathe. Of course this also means that I will be the lucky recipient of a gift somebody has tried to buy me on the basis of what they know about me. For the life of me I cannot remember even one gift that I have received in all the times I have participated in this event.

Oh I know everyone will say stop being a ‘humbug’ and enjoy it, it’s Christmas after all! So? Goodwill to all persons and all that! So? I don’t have much goodwill when it comes to the people I work with. Ok I don’t hate them per se, but they’re not my mates either. I work-therefore I am.

Maybe I should go out with them more on the social events and get to know them. But I live over 30 miles away and their idea of a good time is going to the local bars and getting bladdered. Now I don’t mind having a drink, I am not a stick in the mud or a party pooper, but what fun is it to stand with a group of drunken work colleagues while you sip mineral water and stare around boredly.

So I have to do this Secret Santa thing and think about what gift I can possibly get for someone I don’t know that will raise an uproarious laugh around the table as the recipient is slightly humiliated by the content of the packet. Because that’s what people do isn’t it? Search out the slight flaw in the character that everybody knows about and selects a present that points right at it. The guy who’s the office letch with bad breath gets given something that lets him know everybody knows what he’s up to, like mouth wash, the office slag gets the blow up boob’s because hers are always on display. The Boss some arselicking present that costs way more than £5. Me, something I don’t even remember (perhaps I should worry about that!)

And then of course there is the Office Christmas Dinner. Booked in May into some god awful restaurant offering cheap Xmas lunches to the corporate Christmas Junket seekers.

First problem is we have to pay for it ourselves, that’s because our boss makes Scrooge look like Paul Getty giving his money away. So that’s going to be about £20 for lunch! So everybody gets their Turkey etc with all the trimmings, funny hats and crackers. As a vegetarian I am really not sure what to have, either the festive veggie lasagne, or the Christmassy veggie pastry covered thing I forget what they call it but it’s trendy because it has feta cheese and cranberries in it! Okay I know I’m bitching a bit, and you might say its my fault for being a veggie, but all I am asking is that the chef is a little more thoughtful about what he/she can offer as a festive meal – its not that hard!

So you can tell I am looking forward to this event, which I believe is happening around the 10th December, because May was too late to book anywhere remotely near to the day we finish – December 24th. I can’t even look forward to getting drunk and then necking with one of the office juniors in the photocopy cupboard. 1. Because the photocopy cupboard is now my office (so I suppose technically the option is still open*) 2. Because we have to come back to work after lunch, so there is no opportunity to get drunk (and I still have the long drive home) and 3. I have to buy a stupid Secret Santa gift.

(*but my wife would somehow know psychically and kill me)

Any ideas for the perfect gift which seem fine but is slightly insulting in a humorous way? All gratefully received.

Ho Ho Ho Happy Holidays (to my American readers) and Happy Christmas to the rest of you!