Teenagers- all you need to know

Teenagers – why? That is the focus of today’s blog.

First we need to understand the historical development of this phenomenon. We need to delve into the texts, search out learned papers and the scientific insights into why these creatures roam the world in their never ending search for Pizza, their cries of ‘Get outta my life’, ‘I hate you’ and ‘where is my T-Shirt’ echoing around suburbia.

We have to first accept that the teenager is not one of God’s creations. This is based upon a number of points. The first is God made men and women in his image, not you might notice in the image of a spotty adolescent with BO. He might have thought about it fleetingly because in the bible we find this quote “We will make thee borders of gold with studs of silver.” This suggests that maybe God was a bit of a punk rocker on the side but probably gave it up for Lent or Something. Of course if God had created teenagers they would have been around for a lot longer and we would have all become desensitised to them and by now they would be hardly noticeable.

So I think we have to turn to Darwin and evolutionism (I know this will raise the debate once again in the Southern States of the US but it has to be said). It is clear in the history books that ‘teenagers’ suddenly appeared in the 1950’s. Spookily this happened in the UK and the US at about the same time. Clearly in these two countries the climate was ripe for this major change in the evolutionary track of the Homo Sapien. Pizza had been invented, McDonalds came onto the scene (1954), and partially formed teenagers had been sighted in the new moving media (Elvis, Gene Vincent, Cliff Richards). This change in diet and the move from working down t’pit 23 hours a day allowed for such a swift evolutionary change.

It is clear that evolution has, in her time, thrown up some specially designed creatures, one thinks of the Duckbilled Platypus, the Giraffe, the Blue Whale, all of which Darwin claims are the result of Natural Selection. So too is the teenager subject to the forces of natural selection, the forces of evolution forming this being into the malevolent force we find ourselves living with today.

For instance the modern teenager has adapted some of the natural behaviour of the North American Brown Bear. This creature, like the teenager, spends much of its life asleep; when not asleep it is out foraging for food. It lives in a den like cave, living in a sort of half sleep, occasionally getting up and rummaging around. One knows when a teenager is in residence because like the Brown Bear there is a certain stench that emanates from the lair and strange grunting and rumbling noises are heard during the early part of the day.

The teenager has also evolved to the point where it has become incredibly hard to get off their fat arses and walk anywhere. This is despite the interesting evolutionary contradiction that their feet seem to be getting bigger. This is in total contrast to the amount of walking or exercise involving the use of the legs. This is probably where the teenager is in an evolutionary limbo point waiting for the development of jetpacks, or the Star Trek type transporters that they have been promised over the years in programmes like Tomorrows World or films like the Matrix which they believe are documentaries. In the mean time there is always the use of the family taxi that is available 24/7 and just a phone call away.

Teenagers have a natural affinity with the colour black as it saves having to change clothes everyday and time spent on needlessly choosing which outfit to wear today. On the day of their thirteen birthday they evolve, like beautiful butterflies into a Goth. They start to ‘enjoy’ the sound of Marilyn Manson, and bizarrely begin to look like him too; this is in part the effect of the chameleon gene, which allows them to blend in with any situation. This is why when your son/daughter of darkness brings friends home; they are the nicest sweetest kids you have met. Don’t be fooled it’s just the chameleon gene kicking in. Your kid’s gene only works by default in other kids houses. It also kicks in when visiting the grandparents, but that’s only because they know there’s probably a 20 quid gift coming their way later as you leave.

The girls get their periods, breasts and attitude all in one day, while the boys get their first erection and discover the joys of masturbation. This is a bed friendly activity so for many it is the only exercise they will get. This activity goes some way to explaining both the stench and the grunting that comes from a teenage boy’s bedroom.

A few facts that will help the parents understand this:

According to http://strongbad.surrealistic.net/ejaculator.php if said teenager were to masturbate 3 times a day (conservative estimate) from age 13 to 19 he would have:

Made 29.859375 gallons and 249.1885475625 lbs. of Jizz,
If you lined up the ejaculations in 1 inch pools end to end it would stretch the length of 2.1233333333333 football fields!He would have killed approximately 1,375,920,000,000 little swimmers.He would have killed 7644 kittens.

And of course, each masturbation uses about 5 calories; no wonder a guy needs Pizza!

This also, of course, explains the crispy sheets and why the toilet roll only lasts a day at a time.

The modern female teenager also seems to share a common gene with the artic penguin in that they never seem to feel the cold. Consequently the female teenager can wear the smallest, lightest, thinnest, most revealing clothing even on a day when the outside temperature is hitting minus 30 with out a single goose bump. This ability to stand outside without succumbing to the blistering cold is of some interest to scientists, who on many occasions have invited said teenagers back to their labs for ‘further research’ but have been rebuffed in a language that they don’t understand. For example: "Get out of my grill. You a busta!" Why you always cappin' on me? Don't make me open up a can on you, I'm going to cap your booty”

Teenage boys on the other hand have little in common with the teenage girls but seem to be strangely attracted to them. This takes away the males ability to speak and they have to resort to grunts and strange hand and arm gestures which include cupping genitals (maybe sore after all that wanking)
Crossing arms across chest and posing like Tupac, and waving hands around pointing and gesticulating to emphasise each word said, often punctuated with a ‘yo’ sound. This seems to work best when the baseball cap, used to keep brain warm, is placed on head and is facing the other way.

This inability to communicate face to face is of course the evolutionary result of the use of the mobile phone. If one can’t yet get to visit one’s friends through the use of a jetpack or transporter system, the mobile phone is the best solution; further natural selection has also engineered the use of language. So the simplest of messages uses ‘lingo’
Hi wot U doin 2nt Shall we git a <)
(Hello what are you up to tonight, shall we get a pizza?)

This use of the mobile phone has also given teenagers an unnaturally mobile thumb so that they are able to tap out the longest txt message in seconds. The contrary result of this is the inability to finish any schoolwork on time, especially if it has to be written with a pen in English. Txtese or lingo is so much easier and one doesn’t have to bother to learn to spell (not when there’s spell checker). The comfortable ease and familiarity with technology is another evolutionary sign that the teenager is being naturally selected for modern life. When said teenager has to enter the world of work it will be one that suits the lifestyle. Sat in front of a computer on his/her fat arse, eating pizza communicating in a techno language be it Pascal or txt or lingo, or if really lucky, working from home on the laptop from bed, never having to communicate face to face, having cybersex with some other techno nerd who calls himself Julie and having pizza delivered by some other spotty teenager on a moped.

If your house is being invaded by strange smells and grunts don’t worry it’s not a poltergeist it’s probably a teenager. Here’s a checklist to help you out.


Teenager Alert!!!!
1. He will begin to smell but won't take a bath and can't smell his own odour
1a She will smell like a chemical factory from overuse of cheap deodorant
2. He will want you outta his life, but only after you have driven him to the mall
2a She will too
3. He will eat EVERYTHING in the Fridge
3a She will not want to eat anything so you worry about anorexia but in her bedroom she has 20 bags of crisps and 14 mars bars
4. He will spend hours in his bedroom doing NOTHING right!
4aShe will spend hours doing her makeup so she looks like an extra in frightnite!
5. Sleep will become a major occupation
6. You will lose all access to the internet as he plays games online 24/7
6a She will become obsessed with boys 24/7
7. He will resent you, the family, and the world for being dorky, while he is SO COOL
7a She will resent you too, be nice to her father, and flirt with any other male in a 5 mile vicinity
8. Black will be his favourite colour for the next 7 years
8a Black will be her favourite colour too but you will worry about the lacy black thongs and bras hanging in the bathroom
9. You will start sounding like your mother when you chastise him and her
10. His friends will be the nicest boys you have ever met, why does yours have to be the sulky great hulking sweaty hungry one?
10a You will never meet her friends