'EXTERMINATE'
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Friday, June 24, 2005
OH NO EVICTION TIME AGAIN!!!!!
Back in the Big Blogger House the tension is raised again as the bloggers are up for eviction and once again I am up for eviction! -again! To tell the truth I am not holding my breath. And after the events of the last vote I sorta feel that the fun and the spontenaity has been knocked out of the House. Some people don't seem to understand that this is just fiction, its about having some fun and seem to want to attribute the attributes of the characters in the house to the character of the blogger and get pissed off if people are blogging too much - what do they want a blank screen or just a few humerous lines?
I think Mike's over view of the last week has shown just how hillarious the house could be if the bloggers were allowed to free form, to just go with the flow, it would, I believe turn into a really really funny exercise. And if a few are busy at work or whatever, that should not diminish their imput, in fact they might have a compleatly different experience which would put a new and different slant on the whole thing.
Most of my blogging in the house has been free form writing, just picking up on a theme and going with it, or having an idea that fits so I'll blog it. Nothing has taken me more than 15 to 20 minutes to write, most of it done in my breaktimes, or when I've just got up. To be honest, I am now feeling a bit intimidated and have lost a little of my enthusiasm. Saying that I probably will keep up the wibble.
So if you enjoy the wibble, please go to the house and do what you have to do, which includes NOT voting for me! Don't let the anti-wibblers grind us down. The campaign starts here!
I think Mike's over view of the last week has shown just how hillarious the house could be if the bloggers were allowed to free form, to just go with the flow, it would, I believe turn into a really really funny exercise. And if a few are busy at work or whatever, that should not diminish their imput, in fact they might have a compleatly different experience which would put a new and different slant on the whole thing.
Most of my blogging in the house has been free form writing, just picking up on a theme and going with it, or having an idea that fits so I'll blog it. Nothing has taken me more than 15 to 20 minutes to write, most of it done in my breaktimes, or when I've just got up. To be honest, I am now feeling a bit intimidated and have lost a little of my enthusiasm. Saying that I probably will keep up the wibble.
So if you enjoy the wibble, please go to the house and do what you have to do, which includes NOT voting for me! Don't let the anti-wibblers grind us down. The campaign starts here!
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
In which I am saved, and then lost again
So the news is I’ve been saved from eviction from the Big Blogger house. I thought that my fate had been sealed and as, you have seen, I had written my last confession. But by a simple twist of fate, and the rules, Mike, the heroic Mike, voted Mr. Hair out and I was allowed to stay because, it seems I am a ‘character’.
According to the dictionary a character is:
1: an imaginary person represented in a work of fiction
As it is plain to see Dr.Rob in da house, is clearly this, a work of fiction, as it would be ridiculous to suppose that I have ever had any recourse to gurgle with Cillit Bang, (we’re still awaiting the royalties on this Cillit Bang manufacturers, for the number of mentions you have had!) play a Euphonium, or indeed wibble!
or it could be:
2: a person of a specified kind (usually with many eccentricities); "a strange character"; "a friendly eccentric"; "the capable type"; "a mental case"
I am sure many of my detractors would put me into one of the categories listed above. I don’t mind, ‘he who lives by the blog, dies by the blog’, that’s what I say, I’m always saying that, everywhere, people are sick of me saying it really.
3: : good repute; "he is a man of character"
Now this is more like it. A man of good repute, that’s me. Kind, caring and friendly to all animals, so much so, I don’t even eat them, except for when I’m cycling and the flies go in your mouth, don’t you just hate that, but then again, I suppose I need the protein. I am a man of character. I stand proudly with my triby on, smoking a pipe and gazing heroically into the distance!
4: a written symbol that is used to represent..., Now this is where Prince went wrong isn’t it, I can’t see my self being just a symbol. Its just not right. I couldn’t think of a title for my blog. Dr. ‘Twiddly things’ day? Not much of a ring to it, is there?
Anyhoo, (I’ve been wanting to write that for days, don’t ask me why!) Anyhoo I am back in, but we have to nominate again today. It’s a terror, I tell ya, it’s a terror.
Piles and Piles
By the by, did you see the adverts on TV last night? I saw one for Germaloids. Which, as the name suggests, is a treatment for hemarroids. It featured a guy wriggling around on his theatre seat grimacing, then coming back and settleing himself down with a grin of pure pleasure.
The treatment, however, was in spray form. And I was wondering just how does one spray their own arseholes. I mean it must be a bit difficult to get your aim right as by rights you should be bent over with your cheeks nicely spread, well just doing that takes two hands! Who is going to do the spraying? The toilet assistant? Your partner for the evening, what if it’s a first date?
Perhaps the tube has a built in camera, with a screen on a wire that you can prop up on the bog while you spray, a bit like those lazer aimed bombs we use in Iraq, so one can see the target (the ‘cats eye’) but there’s still the issue of spreading those cheeks.
There could be a niche here, as it were, to develop and patent an ACME bum cheeks spreader, so that one is able to utalise the pile easing spray with no difficuly and ensuring that the target area is coated evenly.
Anyway, you shouldn’t have sat on the radiators when you were a kid, you know your mum is right. Taking her advice would have saved you the embarresment of walking up to strangers in the public lavs and asking them to spray your arsehole. But then again your aching jaw would probably drive your itchy piles right out of your mind!
See you on the dark side....
According to the dictionary a character is:
1: an imaginary person represented in a work of fiction
As it is plain to see Dr.Rob in da house, is clearly this, a work of fiction, as it would be ridiculous to suppose that I have ever had any recourse to gurgle with Cillit Bang, (we’re still awaiting the royalties on this Cillit Bang manufacturers, for the number of mentions you have had!) play a Euphonium, or indeed wibble!
or it could be:
2: a person of a specified kind (usually with many eccentricities); "a strange character"; "a friendly eccentric"; "the capable type"; "a mental case"
I am sure many of my detractors would put me into one of the categories listed above. I don’t mind, ‘he who lives by the blog, dies by the blog’, that’s what I say, I’m always saying that, everywhere, people are sick of me saying it really.
3: : good repute; "he is a man of character"
Now this is more like it. A man of good repute, that’s me. Kind, caring and friendly to all animals, so much so, I don’t even eat them, except for when I’m cycling and the flies go in your mouth, don’t you just hate that, but then again, I suppose I need the protein. I am a man of character. I stand proudly with my triby on, smoking a pipe and gazing heroically into the distance!
4: a written symbol that is used to represent..., Now this is where Prince went wrong isn’t it, I can’t see my self being just a symbol. Its just not right. I couldn’t think of a title for my blog. Dr. ‘Twiddly things’ day? Not much of a ring to it, is there?
Anyhoo, (I’ve been wanting to write that for days, don’t ask me why!) Anyhoo I am back in, but we have to nominate again today. It’s a terror, I tell ya, it’s a terror.
Piles and Piles
By the by, did you see the adverts on TV last night? I saw one for Germaloids. Which, as the name suggests, is a treatment for hemarroids. It featured a guy wriggling around on his theatre seat grimacing, then coming back and settleing himself down with a grin of pure pleasure.
The treatment, however, was in spray form. And I was wondering just how does one spray their own arseholes. I mean it must be a bit difficult to get your aim right as by rights you should be bent over with your cheeks nicely spread, well just doing that takes two hands! Who is going to do the spraying? The toilet assistant? Your partner for the evening, what if it’s a first date?
Perhaps the tube has a built in camera, with a screen on a wire that you can prop up on the bog while you spray, a bit like those lazer aimed bombs we use in Iraq, so one can see the target (the ‘cats eye’) but there’s still the issue of spreading those cheeks.
There could be a niche here, as it were, to develop and patent an ACME bum cheeks spreader, so that one is able to utalise the pile easing spray with no difficuly and ensuring that the target area is coated evenly.
Anyway, you shouldn’t have sat on the radiators when you were a kid, you know your mum is right. Taking her advice would have saved you the embarresment of walking up to strangers in the public lavs and asking them to spray your arsehole. But then again your aching jaw would probably drive your itchy piles right out of your mind!
See you on the dark side....
Saturday, June 18, 2005
My Fathers Day Card from my daughter
My Card from Matty
This is the Fathers day card my daughter, Matilda, sent to me isn't it great!
Friday, June 17, 2005
news from the BB House
Well things do not seem to be going well for me in the BB house. It seems, according to one blogger that I am 'Stalin incarnate' although what he/she means by that I am totally unsure, But nevertheless both myself and Mr Hair are racking up the votes to be evicted. Why Mr. Hair is racking the votes up I'm not sure either. Maybe it is as he fears because he is the first on the list.
The core of the anti Dr. Rob votes, it seems, is the 'Fear and Loathing' post that I posted. Well I thought it was funny and I thought it was satire and humerous. Obviously I was wrong, perhaps someone other than Trotskys Ghost can enlighten me? I actually thought that the idea behind the post was sound, to offer an overview of the house as the eviction elections kicked in by spoofing Hunter Thompsons rant about the 2005 presidential Elections in the US. Good satire yes? or No?
I also thought that the idea behind Big Blogger was great and that it would give us bloggers a forum to have a lot of fun. And its has been, but it seems that the quietest of bloggers are not attracting any eviction votes, so the key seems to be not blog and win. That seems an anathema to me, as I thought Big Blogger was about blogging, so I took the baton and ran with it. Maybe I blogged too much and alienated people but you know, the competition is about blogging, about writing, there is no other way to take part apart from writing, so I wrote.
Whats the point of just blogging a few lines every few days in a competition about blogging, I am sure the audience would be bored and soon not bother to come back as that seems to be a rule about blogging, if you don't regularly post them people will not come back to read you.
Apart from that I have found the Big Blogger experience, totally addictive, I can hardly go ten minues with out checking to see what the comments are or what someone else has posted. It has been a hoot and I hope that somehow, I stay in the house, but the public vote is the public vote, unless BB changes the rules - again! And I guess I'll be out on Sunday.
I hope you too have enjoyed it and I do send a huge round of applause to BB and LB for coming up with the idea and continuing to set tasks etc. And to the core of fellow bloggers in the house who have had the mettle to blog and not stay silent. Its fun.
The core of the anti Dr. Rob votes, it seems, is the 'Fear and Loathing' post that I posted. Well I thought it was funny and I thought it was satire and humerous. Obviously I was wrong, perhaps someone other than Trotskys Ghost can enlighten me? I actually thought that the idea behind the post was sound, to offer an overview of the house as the eviction elections kicked in by spoofing Hunter Thompsons rant about the 2005 presidential Elections in the US. Good satire yes? or No?
I also thought that the idea behind Big Blogger was great and that it would give us bloggers a forum to have a lot of fun. And its has been, but it seems that the quietest of bloggers are not attracting any eviction votes, so the key seems to be not blog and win. That seems an anathema to me, as I thought Big Blogger was about blogging, so I took the baton and ran with it. Maybe I blogged too much and alienated people but you know, the competition is about blogging, about writing, there is no other way to take part apart from writing, so I wrote.
Whats the point of just blogging a few lines every few days in a competition about blogging, I am sure the audience would be bored and soon not bother to come back as that seems to be a rule about blogging, if you don't regularly post them people will not come back to read you.
Apart from that I have found the Big Blogger experience, totally addictive, I can hardly go ten minues with out checking to see what the comments are or what someone else has posted. It has been a hoot and I hope that somehow, I stay in the house, but the public vote is the public vote, unless BB changes the rules - again! And I guess I'll be out on Sunday.
I hope you too have enjoyed it and I do send a huge round of applause to BB and LB for coming up with the idea and continuing to set tasks etc. And to the core of fellow bloggers in the house who have had the mettle to blog and not stay silent. Its fun.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Michael Jackson not a monster - official
So Michael Jackson has been aquited of the charges of child molestation. On the whole I think I'm glad, I think it was trial by media and an example of what a money grabbing society America has become. If you can't get your money by fair means get them by fowl, like hounding a guy, who although very talented, has major psychological and I would guess psychiatric problems.
I understand that his childhood and his family life were a mess and his adult life has been even worse, a travesty of people probably fawing all over him and saying 'Yes Michael', No Michael' irrispective of the problems he was facing.
Like 'Guys, Guys shall I cut my face off'
Chourus 'Yes Michael'
'Guys Guys am I black'?
Chourus 'No Michael'
Lets give the guy a break, he bankrupted, he's made a mess of his body and he life is in tatters, lets just enjoy his music and remember what great songs they are to dance to and listen too ( well most of them anyway) and isn't Thriller still a great album?
Listen to some of them here
Friday, June 10, 2005
News From the House
As I'm now in the Big Blogger house, my loyalties are being split, but of course dear reader, my first loyalty is to my home blog, so I am sending these blogs out written on the very thin and crispy toilet paper we are forced to use in the house to a secret compatriot who will publish my secret diary for you all to read.
First a few worlds about the big blogger house, it seems at the moment to be inhabited by halfwits, who can't string a word together without entering the realms of both the impossible and the implausible. I think they are all on drugs, both illegal and those legal ones that are designed to keep one on an even keel, I believe they call it the 'liquid cosh'!.
The men are all gay or think they look like Tom Cruse spending their time leering at all the women, who, if you ask me are asking for it by wandering around naked or partialy clothed, hoping for a contract on This Morning or some other freeview channel afterwards no doubt. I'll take no part in it, being above that sort of thing.
The women seem to be all a bit deranged, one spends all her time drawing and the other spends all her time trying on thongs and trying to look at her arse. They are clearly all demented and I hate to think what will happen in the house once all their periods synchronise!
So you can imagine, after only one day in there what the state of my mind, is, fortunatly I took some stella in with me, I only hope it will last!
Secondly I want to point you in the direction of JonnyB's blog, who although a competitor in the House with me also has a great blog and is at this very moment, even from the blogger house, carrying on a very important campaign to save his local post office in Norwich or Norfolk or somewhere rural and backward like in that film Deliverance, nevertheless it VERY IMPORTANT. Its called Post8 and you can hear a very nice protest song, in the tradition of Julie Felix and Pam Ayers here.
Please send me parcels with toilet paper, happy drugs, and several neoprean sheets.
Thank you
Your's in Secret
Dr Rob
First a few worlds about the big blogger house, it seems at the moment to be inhabited by halfwits, who can't string a word together without entering the realms of both the impossible and the implausible. I think they are all on drugs, both illegal and those legal ones that are designed to keep one on an even keel, I believe they call it the 'liquid cosh'!.
The men are all gay or think they look like Tom Cruse spending their time leering at all the women, who, if you ask me are asking for it by wandering around naked or partialy clothed, hoping for a contract on This Morning or some other freeview channel afterwards no doubt. I'll take no part in it, being above that sort of thing.
The women seem to be all a bit deranged, one spends all her time drawing and the other spends all her time trying on thongs and trying to look at her arse. They are clearly all demented and I hate to think what will happen in the house once all their periods synchronise!
So you can imagine, after only one day in there what the state of my mind, is, fortunatly I took some stella in with me, I only hope it will last!
Secondly I want to point you in the direction of JonnyB's blog, who although a competitor in the House with me also has a great blog and is at this very moment, even from the blogger house, carrying on a very important campaign to save his local post office in Norwich or Norfolk or somewhere rural and backward like in that film Deliverance, nevertheless it VERY IMPORTANT. Its called Post8 and you can hear a very nice protest song, in the tradition of Julie Felix and Pam Ayers here.
Please send me parcels with toilet paper, happy drugs, and several neoprean sheets.
Thank you
Your's in Secret
Dr Rob
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
My Blogmates
Just before we enter the fray for the first time, and as I have just had a large bottle of Stella and am feeling generous, heres the full list of my blogmates, go and visit them, but please come back and let me know how its all going.
The list in full:
Grocerjack
JonnyB
Mr Hair
Miss Mish
Mike
Girl
Vitriolica
Nick Barlow
Zoe
Dr Rob
Peter
NML
Clair
Vicus Scurra
Gordon
Reserves:(the other)
Alan
Leonie
The list in full:
Grocerjack
JonnyB
Mr Hair
Miss Mish
Mike
Girl
Vitriolica
Nick Barlow
Zoe
Dr Rob
Peter
NML
Clair
Vicus Scurra
Gordon
Reserves:(the other)
Alan
Leonie
Big Blogger right here right now!
Its official! I am now a contestant on Big Blogger. I am all of a tizzy. I know that there is some stiff competition in the house and I will have to be at my most erudite and witty best to get one over on some of these lads and lasses I will be entombed with.
It looks like it will be fun and I guess not a lot of work will get done in various offices across the country once we get started with the threatened tasks. It’s all a bit worrying as who wants to be the first out. What should I wear? Who will be my friend and who will be the Nasty Nick of the group? I hope we don’t have any Scottish whingers who’ll want to climb on the roof or have sex under the table eeeeyuuuwww - dirty.
I’m sure it will mean a constant watch on the site to pick up on the threads and the trends, one doesn’t want to be the quiet wallflower at the back and by the same token should one be a leader and popular, or the ‘father’ of the house? ‘Who’ll win no one knows’ is echoing around my head in an awful Geordie accent, not that the accents awful, its just that my mind can’t do a Geordie accent – its crap, my mind, at doing impersonations. It tries to impersonate some one quite bright, what with me being a Dr. and all, but it often fails miserable in its impersonation – a bit like Mike Yarwood.
Yes, so its going to be fun, a melange of bloggers all blogging out to the final bell. And to the winner the spoils. It looks like I have to donate something for the winner. I thought instantly about my wife, but what would the winner want with a Ukrainian woman that professes to own a Beretta automatic, anyway I’m too scared to give her away – she says she’s a good shot. And I guess that’s not in the spirit of the games. Of course it’s not the winning or losing but how one plays the game eh what! (Bollocks I want to win and rake in all the goodies, I can see it now parcels flooding to my address from across the country, O I’ll have a wild time putting them all up on ebay to reap my just (monetary) rewards.)
This could be the start of something big you know. I am sure that all the commissioning editors from all the big publications will be watching us. Gauging our talent and looking for the next Jeffery Archer or other good writers. We’ll be asked to maybe write a daily column in one of the dailies or the New Yorker, I’m personally going to be holding out for Playboy magazine, because as we all know people only buy it for the writing and the articles, so that’ll be a good audience to start with, people who know good writing when they see it. I think that having all those naked women in the magazine actually detract from the subject matter. Why o Why o Why do they have to spoil a good mag by having naked women in it, I just don’t understand!
Yes I know I will become a E list celebrity, they’re actually the best, a bit more down to earth than those who are D and C listers and who would want to hang out with the A’s and B’s anyway. Why would I want to hang out with Ms’ Jolli and Kylie (get well soon dear) and J’Lo etc etc, yawn, yes too boring. No us E listers will stay together moaning about stuff and having a nice cup of tea.
So Big Blo here I am, I’m coming, get ready,
It looks like it will be fun and I guess not a lot of work will get done in various offices across the country once we get started with the threatened tasks. It’s all a bit worrying as who wants to be the first out. What should I wear? Who will be my friend and who will be the Nasty Nick of the group? I hope we don’t have any Scottish whingers who’ll want to climb on the roof or have sex under the table eeeeyuuuwww - dirty.
I’m sure it will mean a constant watch on the site to pick up on the threads and the trends, one doesn’t want to be the quiet wallflower at the back and by the same token should one be a leader and popular, or the ‘father’ of the house? ‘Who’ll win no one knows’ is echoing around my head in an awful Geordie accent, not that the accents awful, its just that my mind can’t do a Geordie accent – its crap, my mind, at doing impersonations. It tries to impersonate some one quite bright, what with me being a Dr. and all, but it often fails miserable in its impersonation – a bit like Mike Yarwood.
Yes, so its going to be fun, a melange of bloggers all blogging out to the final bell. And to the winner the spoils. It looks like I have to donate something for the winner. I thought instantly about my wife, but what would the winner want with a Ukrainian woman that professes to own a Beretta automatic, anyway I’m too scared to give her away – she says she’s a good shot. And I guess that’s not in the spirit of the games. Of course it’s not the winning or losing but how one plays the game eh what! (Bollocks I want to win and rake in all the goodies, I can see it now parcels flooding to my address from across the country, O I’ll have a wild time putting them all up on ebay to reap my just (monetary) rewards.)
This could be the start of something big you know. I am sure that all the commissioning editors from all the big publications will be watching us. Gauging our talent and looking for the next Jeffery Archer or other good writers. We’ll be asked to maybe write a daily column in one of the dailies or the New Yorker, I’m personally going to be holding out for Playboy magazine, because as we all know people only buy it for the writing and the articles, so that’ll be a good audience to start with, people who know good writing when they see it. I think that having all those naked women in the magazine actually detract from the subject matter. Why o Why o Why do they have to spoil a good mag by having naked women in it, I just don’t understand!
Yes I know I will become a E list celebrity, they’re actually the best, a bit more down to earth than those who are D and C listers and who would want to hang out with the A’s and B’s anyway. Why would I want to hang out with Ms’ Jolli and Kylie (get well soon dear) and J’Lo etc etc, yawn, yes too boring. No us E listers will stay together moaning about stuff and having a nice cup of tea.
So Big Blo here I am, I’m coming, get ready,
Monday, June 06, 2005
My Career as a Novelist starts right here, right now
I’ve been thinking about writing a novel. I mean it can’t be that hard can it? Loads of people do it, even Jeffery Archer! And they get paid for it! Even one of my colleagues, here at the Uni, is on her third one. Although I can’t understand why she isn’t in some beach hut in the Caribbean living the high life, while writing her next novel - I mean its not as if her books are in the bargain bins!
All I need is a good idea, and I could become famous and rich. I actually would prefer rich over famous as my pension plan isn’t doing so good and my retirement day, although not imminent is closer than it was say 20 years ago!
Look at it in a practical way, there’s loads of us frustrated writers knocking out these blogs everyday, never knowing really how many people are reading the stuff. Sometimes people comment sometimes they don’t, they lurk there in the background, just reading, we writers don’t ever get to know what they think. Here we are day after day trying to write about something in a witty and erudite manner and what do we get – the sound of silence and not even one penny for all this original work.
Anyway back to the novel idea. I’ve been reading the books of Dan Brown, you know the Da Vinci Code etc and I have come to the conclusion that basically, to follow his example, you find a formula that works and stick to it. That’s what the best authors do. Look at Ian Fleming and James Bond – formulaic, the bloke what wrote Morse – formulaic, the Sharpe Novels, formulaic.
Here’s a Sharpe Novel in a few sentences:
Sharpes in France or Spain fighting Napoleon
He’s got a chip on his shoulder cos he’s common
An Officer don’t like him
He meets a woman – probably foreign but mixed up with some foreign aristocrat
He disobeys orders but saves the day by killing loads of French soldiers
He loses the woman
Kills the aristocrat
Kills more French soldiers
The Officer what don’t like him turns out to be a rotten traitor
Sharpe kills him and more frogs
He gets the woman
Saves the day by killing more Frenchmen
The End
See it’s easy. Dan Browns are even more formulaic, I’ve just read ‘Angels and Demons’ and read 'The Da Vinci Code' a while ago.
He goes the plot of both
Old Geezer gets killed because he will not give over secret to hooded killer
Cryptology Prof woken up by mad idiot on the end of the phone
Prof gets taken to scene of murder to help make sense of it because someone has left a cryptic clue
Cryptic clue leads to other more cryptic clues which must be followed to find the truth/save the planet
Enter beautiful other scientist ( a woman)
Enter melodramatic evil criminal (a la ‘The Hooded Claw')
Time is ticking away as Prof and beautiful scientist run around a lot solving clues either being perused by Police or overly melodramatic hooded (probably Arabic or other foreign stereotype) criminal who is being directed by another even more melodramatic villain
Prof and beautiful scientist run around passages and old buildings solving things and narrowly avoiding being killed or captured by being brave and resourceful
Prof kisses beautiful scientist after a particular gruelling event and then becomes even stronger and resourceful speaking in a Loud and Deep voice
They solve all the clues, kill some of the criminals, and the melodramatic villain, who in a cruel plot twist turns out to be the person you first thought it was.
The world is saved, they find the truth, which turns out to be both an anticlimax for both them and you the reader.
The End
Actually I think this works for his other novel as well – 'Digital Fortress '– only the hero here is a beautiful female cryptologist, O and a handsome American who is a brilliant English Professor who gets embroiled in the plot to find a secret code – familiar huh?.
So all I need to do is to get me a formula and hey ho it’s the high life for me.
How about this right of the top of my head:
All I need is a good idea, and I could become famous and rich. I actually would prefer rich over famous as my pension plan isn’t doing so good and my retirement day, although not imminent is closer than it was say 20 years ago!
Look at it in a practical way, there’s loads of us frustrated writers knocking out these blogs everyday, never knowing really how many people are reading the stuff. Sometimes people comment sometimes they don’t, they lurk there in the background, just reading, we writers don’t ever get to know what they think. Here we are day after day trying to write about something in a witty and erudite manner and what do we get – the sound of silence and not even one penny for all this original work.
Anyway back to the novel idea. I’ve been reading the books of Dan Brown, you know the Da Vinci Code etc and I have come to the conclusion that basically, to follow his example, you find a formula that works and stick to it. That’s what the best authors do. Look at Ian Fleming and James Bond – formulaic, the bloke what wrote Morse – formulaic, the Sharpe Novels, formulaic.
Here’s a Sharpe Novel in a few sentences:
Sharpes in France or Spain fighting Napoleon
He’s got a chip on his shoulder cos he’s common
An Officer don’t like him
He meets a woman – probably foreign but mixed up with some foreign aristocrat
He disobeys orders but saves the day by killing loads of French soldiers
He loses the woman
Kills the aristocrat
Kills more French soldiers
The Officer what don’t like him turns out to be a rotten traitor
Sharpe kills him and more frogs
He gets the woman
Saves the day by killing more Frenchmen
The End
See it’s easy. Dan Browns are even more formulaic, I’ve just read ‘Angels and Demons’ and read 'The Da Vinci Code' a while ago.
He goes the plot of both
Old Geezer gets killed because he will not give over secret to hooded killer
Cryptology Prof woken up by mad idiot on the end of the phone
Prof gets taken to scene of murder to help make sense of it because someone has left a cryptic clue
Cryptic clue leads to other more cryptic clues which must be followed to find the truth/save the planet
Enter beautiful other scientist ( a woman)
Enter melodramatic evil criminal (a la ‘The Hooded Claw')
Time is ticking away as Prof and beautiful scientist run around a lot solving clues either being perused by Police or overly melodramatic hooded (probably Arabic or other foreign stereotype) criminal who is being directed by another even more melodramatic villain
Prof and beautiful scientist run around passages and old buildings solving things and narrowly avoiding being killed or captured by being brave and resourceful
Prof kisses beautiful scientist after a particular gruelling event and then becomes even stronger and resourceful speaking in a Loud and Deep voice
They solve all the clues, kill some of the criminals, and the melodramatic villain, who in a cruel plot twist turns out to be the person you first thought it was.
The world is saved, they find the truth, which turns out to be both an anticlimax for both them and you the reader.
The End
Actually I think this works for his other novel as well – 'Digital Fortress '– only the hero here is a beautiful female cryptologist, O and a handsome American who is a brilliant English Professor who gets embroiled in the plot to find a secret code – familiar huh?.
So all I need to do is to get me a formula and hey ho it’s the high life for me.
How about this right of the top of my head:
Title: The Prospecti Deadline
Brilliant Sociologist Dr. Rob Gets up and goes to work
He’s got a chip on his shoulder cos he’s common
His Boss likes him though
He meets a woman – probably foreign who used to be a communist (his wife)
Enter melodramatic evil criminal (a la ‘The Hooded Claw')
Melodramatic evil criminal tries to get Dr. Rob to skew his data about the prospecti
(the prospecti is a ancient document written in code that only 18 yr olds with 3 A’Levels can read)
Enter beautiful other scientist (a woman) (Don’t tell the wife)
Dr. Rob and beautiful scientist run around passages and old buildings solving things and narrowly avoiding being killed by being brave and resourceful and not running on wet floors and taking note of all the health and safety advice, like not eating peanuts and having 10 minutes rest after spending more than 40 minutes in front of the computer monitor.
Dr. Rob kisses beautiful scientist (please please don’t tell wife) after a particular gruelling event and then becomes even stronger and resourceful speaking in a Loud and Deep voice
The Boss what likes him turns out to be a rotten traitor and puts Dr. Rob on a written warning for sexual harassment of a colleague (i.e. beautiful scientist)
The world is saved, they find the truth which turns out to be both an anticlimax for both them and you the reader. (Yes you can enter Uni with less than 3 C’s despite the hidden code in the prospecti)
The End
Will all prospective publishers please form an elderly queue the ones with the biggest advances at the front – Thank You
Brilliant Sociologist Dr. Rob Gets up and goes to work
He’s got a chip on his shoulder cos he’s common
His Boss likes him though
He meets a woman – probably foreign who used to be a communist (his wife)
Enter melodramatic evil criminal (a la ‘The Hooded Claw')
Melodramatic evil criminal tries to get Dr. Rob to skew his data about the prospecti
(the prospecti is a ancient document written in code that only 18 yr olds with 3 A’Levels can read)
Enter beautiful other scientist (a woman) (Don’t tell the wife)
Dr. Rob and beautiful scientist run around passages and old buildings solving things and narrowly avoiding being killed by being brave and resourceful and not running on wet floors and taking note of all the health and safety advice, like not eating peanuts and having 10 minutes rest after spending more than 40 minutes in front of the computer monitor.
Dr. Rob kisses beautiful scientist (please please don’t tell wife) after a particular gruelling event and then becomes even stronger and resourceful speaking in a Loud and Deep voice
The Boss what likes him turns out to be a rotten traitor and puts Dr. Rob on a written warning for sexual harassment of a colleague (i.e. beautiful scientist)
The world is saved, they find the truth which turns out to be both an anticlimax for both them and you the reader. (Yes you can enter Uni with less than 3 C’s despite the hidden code in the prospecti)
The End
Will all prospective publishers please form an elderly queue the ones with the biggest advances at the front – Thank You
Friday, June 03, 2005
I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE
I AM THE KING OF THE JUNGLE, I am the BIG CHEESE, I am Superman flying faster than a speeding bullet, I am KING KONG beating his chest at the top of the Empire State Building, I ROAR and the world quivers, I am John Wayne killing injuns, I AM THE ALMIGHTY bow down before me.
Yes I, Me, myself, fixed the washing machine last night and now it’s working perfectly.
Emergency plumbers, bicycle repair men and washing machine ‘engineers’ I sneer at you. Look at my sneer smeared all over my face, you are humiliated – non?
These vexed machines with their built in obsolescence are no match for me. Deftly using the tools at hand – to wit- one table knife, I deftly took off the back of the machine, despite not having the special (so called) tool needed for the job and then using my great powers of deduction proceeded to deduce what was wrong.
Symptom: machine not agitating, revolving, undulating, gyrating, spinning, thus leaving clothes a soggy mess in puddle on kitchen floor and (here’s a clue) the Fairy sachet of liquid undisolved. The plot thickens.
Using my enormous powers of recall I also remembered that over the past weeks the said machine had been squealing like a pregnant pig in the throws of a breech birth to twins. And wobbling about a bit on the spin cycle.
The Diagnosis: It’ll be a broken belt I muttered under my breath as I deftly unscrewed the screws from the backplate. First one screw then the next and the next. The tension rises in the kitchen, my wife paces the floor wringing her hands, humming some sad Russian dirge from the Eurovision song contest 1956. My knife slips off the screw and with a grating screech marks the white surface of the machine. My wife falls to the floor. No she hasn’t fainted she’s slipped on a gherkin rind. We breathe again. Then at last like Indiana Jones lifting the lid of the Ark of the Covenant, the backplate is free. Alas no white smoke or blinding light emits from the cracks, there’s just the dull clank of the metal back hitting the floor.
I sit back on my haunches, knife held at the ready in front of me. But no, no further tinkering has to be done. Because there, on the floor, like a coiled serpent, lies the cause of the problem. Yes it’s the belt. My instincts had held true. I poked it gently with the knife, even though I could see that it had been shredded, it had given its life for the family. We mourned, well we didn’t really I just thought YES! No Washing Machine repairman will darken this doorstep! Sucking in their cheeks and gauging how much they can take us for, using their inbuilt mug-o-meter to calculate the cost of the ‘repair’! NOT TODAY Sunny Jim. You have been shafted by Moi! O How the worm turns, not that I am a worm by any means, its just a saying , you understand!
Its Shakespeare I’m just being a bit literary in the middle of all this drama, like an intermission of sorts, just to keep the tension:
Here you go:
To whom do lions cast their gentle looks? Not to the beast that would usurp their den. The smallest worm will turn being trodden on, And doves will peck in safeguard of their brood.'" Henry VI, Part 3,
Anyway, I digress, A quick email to this company Ace Domestic (to whom I will give a major recommendation to) and the new part was delivered the next day – cheap too!
Prognosis. Clean Pants from now on!
I am the EGGMAN, I are the EGGMAN, I AM the WALRUS goo goo ga jube
No I don’t know what it means either.
Have a good weekend!
Yes I, Me, myself, fixed the washing machine last night and now it’s working perfectly.
Emergency plumbers, bicycle repair men and washing machine ‘engineers’ I sneer at you. Look at my sneer smeared all over my face, you are humiliated – non?
These vexed machines with their built in obsolescence are no match for me. Deftly using the tools at hand – to wit- one table knife, I deftly took off the back of the machine, despite not having the special (so called) tool needed for the job and then using my great powers of deduction proceeded to deduce what was wrong.
Symptom: machine not agitating, revolving, undulating, gyrating, spinning, thus leaving clothes a soggy mess in puddle on kitchen floor and (here’s a clue) the Fairy sachet of liquid undisolved. The plot thickens.
Using my enormous powers of recall I also remembered that over the past weeks the said machine had been squealing like a pregnant pig in the throws of a breech birth to twins. And wobbling about a bit on the spin cycle.
The Diagnosis: It’ll be a broken belt I muttered under my breath as I deftly unscrewed the screws from the backplate. First one screw then the next and the next. The tension rises in the kitchen, my wife paces the floor wringing her hands, humming some sad Russian dirge from the Eurovision song contest 1956. My knife slips off the screw and with a grating screech marks the white surface of the machine. My wife falls to the floor. No she hasn’t fainted she’s slipped on a gherkin rind. We breathe again. Then at last like Indiana Jones lifting the lid of the Ark of the Covenant, the backplate is free. Alas no white smoke or blinding light emits from the cracks, there’s just the dull clank of the metal back hitting the floor.
I sit back on my haunches, knife held at the ready in front of me. But no, no further tinkering has to be done. Because there, on the floor, like a coiled serpent, lies the cause of the problem. Yes it’s the belt. My instincts had held true. I poked it gently with the knife, even though I could see that it had been shredded, it had given its life for the family. We mourned, well we didn’t really I just thought YES! No Washing Machine repairman will darken this doorstep! Sucking in their cheeks and gauging how much they can take us for, using their inbuilt mug-o-meter to calculate the cost of the ‘repair’! NOT TODAY Sunny Jim. You have been shafted by Moi! O How the worm turns, not that I am a worm by any means, its just a saying , you understand!
Its Shakespeare I’m just being a bit literary in the middle of all this drama, like an intermission of sorts, just to keep the tension:
Here you go:
To whom do lions cast their gentle looks? Not to the beast that would usurp their den. The smallest worm will turn being trodden on, And doves will peck in safeguard of their brood.'" Henry VI, Part 3,
Anyway, I digress, A quick email to this company Ace Domestic (to whom I will give a major recommendation to) and the new part was delivered the next day – cheap too!
Prognosis. Clean Pants from now on!
I am the EGGMAN, I are the EGGMAN, I AM the WALRUS goo goo ga jube
No I don’t know what it means either.
Have a good weekend!
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Summer Reading List
As it is getting close to the Summer Holidays (about 7 weeks for me!) I thought it would be nice to have a Summer Holiday type theme blog. So I have thought about it a little bit (about 30 seconds) and decided that it would be impossible for me to do something like a sunscreen test as I feel that none of the female staff here in the office would let me smear factor 25 all over them for the ‘smearability’ test without the possibility of a sexual harassment claim going into personnel. So I am afraid that’s a no go.
The best I can come up with then is a Summer Book list where I will recommend my favourite reads and maybe you, dear reader can add a few to, in the comments box.
The list is not in ranked order, but just as I can remember the titles and authors.
1. Dan Brown – The Da Vinci Code. This is an easy to pick up book, you’ll find it at Car Boot sales and in the remainder shops for about £3. This is not the main recommendation of course, but it helps if the books are cheap. Despite the hype this is a great book, I really enjoyed it and it was one of those un put downable books. Get past the hype, forget about all the phoney conspiracy theories and read this as the great thriller it is. A good beach book.
2. Look out for any of the books by James Lee Burke. His detective thrillers set in New Iberia, a sleepy backwater parish in Louisiana are well written and Lee Burke writes a good story. Again these books are often to be found Car Boot sales, start with ‘Neon Rain’ for a steamy look into the nasty streets of New Orleans and an introduction to Dave Robicheaux the main character
3. Mark Haddon. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time. A teenage autistic savant narrates his search for the killer of his neighbor’s dog, which leads to discoveries about his own life. Another unputdownable read. I think I read this in one sitting. A strange but interesting read.
4. Life of Pi by Yann Martel. This is a really really good book, it takes a while to get into, but persevere, and it is well worth the wait and leaves you thinking about it afterwards. Brilliant!
5. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: by Robert M. Pirsig. This is one of those books that has been with me always. I keep lending it to people and then having to buy a new copy. Its not an easy book to read, it makes you think and takes you on a journey, but stick with it, its worth the ride.
6. Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach, while we are being philosophical lets read this book. Perfect for sticking in your back pocket and reading a few lines now and then.
7. Birdsong by Sebastian Faulks. I didn’t think I would like this book, not my type at all, but it was a great read a romance set against the first world war.
8. Janet Evanovich and the Stephanie Plum Novels which start with One for the Money. Great, Funny detective novels starring Stephanie Plum who tries her hand at bounty hunting. After all, how hard can it be? Just the thing for the beach.
9. I am recommending two books from this author Anthony Bourdain Kitchen Confidential, and A Cook's Tour. The first book is Bourdain's bestselling expos̩ of twenty-five years of bad behaviour and haute cuisine. The book follows the chef from his first oyster in the Gironde to his lowly position as dishwasher in a honky-tonk fish restaurant in Provincetown Рa great read. And the second book follows Bourdain as he criss-crosses the world sampling local delicacies from the sublime to the bizarre. Great reading for when you are about to sample those foreign delicacies!
10. Finally I would recommend most of Bill Brysons Books, travel literature for the traveller. Witty and sharp observations.
Oh there are loads more I could add to this list but I would be interested in getting recommendations for me, for this summers reading. I will be away for a month in Ukraine from the middle of July, so I will need a pile of books to take with me, so please, lets hear what you are reading and what you recommend.
The best I can come up with then is a Summer Book list where I will recommend my favourite reads and maybe you, dear reader can add a few to, in the comments box.
The list is not in ranked order, but just as I can remember the titles and authors.
1. Dan Brown – The Da Vinci Code. This is an easy to pick up book, you’ll find it at Car Boot sales and in the remainder shops for about £3. This is not the main recommendation of course, but it helps if the books are cheap. Despite the hype this is a great book, I really enjoyed it and it was one of those un put downable books. Get past the hype, forget about all the phoney conspiracy theories and read this as the great thriller it is. A good beach book.
2. Look out for any of the books by James Lee Burke. His detective thrillers set in New Iberia, a sleepy backwater parish in Louisiana are well written and Lee Burke writes a good story. Again these books are often to be found Car Boot sales, start with ‘Neon Rain’ for a steamy look into the nasty streets of New Orleans and an introduction to Dave Robicheaux the main character
3. Mark Haddon. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time. A teenage autistic savant narrates his search for the killer of his neighbor’s dog, which leads to discoveries about his own life. Another unputdownable read. I think I read this in one sitting. A strange but interesting read.
4. Life of Pi by Yann Martel. This is a really really good book, it takes a while to get into, but persevere, and it is well worth the wait and leaves you thinking about it afterwards. Brilliant!
5. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: by Robert M. Pirsig. This is one of those books that has been with me always. I keep lending it to people and then having to buy a new copy. Its not an easy book to read, it makes you think and takes you on a journey, but stick with it, its worth the ride.
6. Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach, while we are being philosophical lets read this book. Perfect for sticking in your back pocket and reading a few lines now and then.
7. Birdsong by Sebastian Faulks. I didn’t think I would like this book, not my type at all, but it was a great read a romance set against the first world war.
8. Janet Evanovich and the Stephanie Plum Novels which start with One for the Money. Great, Funny detective novels starring Stephanie Plum who tries her hand at bounty hunting. After all, how hard can it be? Just the thing for the beach.
9. I am recommending two books from this author Anthony Bourdain Kitchen Confidential, and A Cook's Tour. The first book is Bourdain's bestselling expos̩ of twenty-five years of bad behaviour and haute cuisine. The book follows the chef from his first oyster in the Gironde to his lowly position as dishwasher in a honky-tonk fish restaurant in Provincetown Рa great read. And the second book follows Bourdain as he criss-crosses the world sampling local delicacies from the sublime to the bizarre. Great reading for when you are about to sample those foreign delicacies!
10. Finally I would recommend most of Bill Brysons Books, travel literature for the traveller. Witty and sharp observations.
Oh there are loads more I could add to this list but I would be interested in getting recommendations for me, for this summers reading. I will be away for a month in Ukraine from the middle of July, so I will need a pile of books to take with me, so please, lets hear what you are reading and what you recommend.
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