Dearly Beloved We are Gathered here Today

Now we are fast approaching the season of good will, that, if we remember, has some religious significance, it has occurred to me that not only am I Doc Rob but I am also the Rev Rob. I have been an ordained Minister of the Universal Life Church, Modesto, California since the 2nd April 2003. If you too wish to be ordained you can just by going to http://www.ulc.net/ or click here – it’s free.

No I think its time for me to take my ministry seriously. I mean look where the Reverend Ian Paisley has got to in world politics, simply through being ordained into a similar Church. I too, one day, could become a great leader to my flock.

This type of job has its bonuses too. Only work one day a week - on a Sunday. That’s not too onerous is it? And even then it’s not all day. Just Morning Service, and Even Song. Time to get down the pub midday and be invited back for lunch by one of my parishioners.

Then there are the perks, like weddings, christenings and funerals. Not only would I get paid for doing these things I even get invited back for the party afterwards. So it’d be on with the party cassock and lead me to the finger buffet and whiskey. (I think I’m sort of modeling myself on the typical job description of an Irish priest here – they seem to have much more fun that your typical Protestant priests – although the celibacy no sex except with choirboy’s rule seems a bit harsh! Perhaps I can mix n match.)

I’d probably get upgrades when I go on airlines what with being a Doc and a Rev and of course be first in the queue when it comes to the pearly gates. I mean, just being a Rev guarantees being first in line and VIP entry doesn’t it? My theology is not so good in this area so I’m not sure which side of God I’ll be sitting, the right or left-hand side. Perhaps I can seek advice from my readers in this, which is the best side of God to be on, I think its something I need to know. I’d defiantly have a cloud to myself I guess with some foxy angel strumming my harp! I don’t need the thirteen virgin’s thanks very much; the Muslim martyrs can have them. No just one foxy angelic angel’ll do for me.

And of course there’s the TV work. I will probably have a show of my own, on cable or satellite where I’d have to do a few shouty bits of course. Mention fire and brimstone. Have some mates in the audience who can leap up and down a bit and then fall on the floor writhing about a bit making strange sounds like speaking in tongues or klingon or something. One or two could leap up and throw away their crutches, burn their wheelchair or see again. Of course I’d have to have a full gospel choir full of foxy chicks like Beyonce and Aretha and a big haired blonde sidekick like Tammy Faye Bakker (although I promise not to invest all of my money into the arms industry – unless there’s a good return of course)

I guess the workload is rising a bit here isn’t it. But hey didn’t Bobby Dylan once say Gods On My Side? He will Provide.

I suppose once you get into this career the sky’s the limit. I know the Rev Paisley has stalled a bit and has left it a bit late in Northern Ireland, but the Pope’s still going strong. Look at the career path here. If I worked at it I could become a bishop, then Archbishop of Canterbury and then Pope. Why Not? It can’t be that hard. I mean the Pope has been a sick man for the last 20 years and yet he only has to make it to that balcony in Rome mumble a few intelligible words, wave his hands around and the crowd love it.

Although when I become Pope I’d probably not want to live in Rome. I’d probably move. I’ve heard Rome’s not so nice, a bit fuggy, full of nuns, Italians, Japanese photographers and stuff. Can’t be that much fun. I guess as I’m ordained into an American Church I could be Pope in Vegas, I’m sure we have a branch there. And didn’t Jesus hang out with moneylenders and money changers? Yes he went to Jerusalem to the Court of the Gentiles and he had it out with those bad guys. And lo when Jesus arrived with the mass of pilgrims, He overturned the tables and called it a den of thieves and a house of merchandise. Just like Argos or Woolworth’s or Macy's.

See a bit of preaching there, not a bad start. And relevant at this time of year, decrying the houses of merchandise for their money grabbing ways.

Yes so its time for me to mend my ways and take my Reverendship seriously.

God Bless You All

I’ll be attaching my PayPal link shortly so you can make your donations to my Ministry!

Hallelujah