Whiz Waz splish splash

I’ve just come across this website which is selling a product which allows women to pee standing up. It’s all well and good, I think, if you want to do that but to tell you the truth I hate having to have a pee standing up, especially in public it’s a minefield of unwritten protocols and laws.

You women may think that being able to pee standing up is some sort of sign of our advanced evolutionary development or something. That it is a power sign that we can sign our names in the snow and have competitions to see who can piss the highest up the wall. I can see the attraction but you might want to think again about the so called benefits of wanting to stand up to pee.

First and I am sure you women know this - male urinals are not the most savoury places in the world. In most cases they do not require signs as you can smell them a mile off. One you have found it you are usually required to wade through about a centimetre of stale piss to get to the actual urinal. The urinals are usually filled with a mixture of phlegm, pubic hair, cigarette butts, chewing gum and those blue things which try to mask the smell but just add another nauseating chemical whiff to the already sordid aroma.

The other thing about standing up to have a piss is that people will come and stand next to you to do the same.

There is generally a protocol in gent’s toilets that is well known. If the urinal has the porcelain ‘individual’ piss pots then the done thing is to choose one that is at least one away from any occupied pot. If it is the older gulley type where everyone just pisses into the half pipe the protocol is to stand as far a way as possible.

If the place is busy then often one is forced to stand next to someone already busy relieving themselves.

This opens up a nightmare of horrors. The worst horror is the guy busting for a piss with the two gallon bladder who pisses like a horse. This is a problem because of the splash back, there is nothing worse that being splashed by someone else’s piss (ok water sports fans I know you do but not me OK and this is not in the context of a loving relationship!)

Then there are the glancers and lookers. One of the key protocols of being in a male urinal, simply to take a leak, is to stand there facing the white tiles two inches away from your nose, not looking at the other guys cocks. But it’s not enough for some guys, no they come and stand next to you shower you with piss and cop a look at your cock. Then on top of it all that they might want to start a conversation! Now come on that’s a complete faux pas. I do not go to point percy at the porcelain to have a conversation with some guy covering me in piss, checking out percy and chatting about the price of fish!

This leads to the second horror of wanting to take a whiz but not being able to because we are now being psychologically terrorised by the guy stood next to us who can waz at will. This means having to stand there for two or three times longer than usual, which for the lurkers in the bog marks you out as someone who might be up for a trip into the cubicles for a bit of fun and games or a blow job at the least.

Then as you start to panic about the lurkers, the glancers and lookers your bladder will start to feel like and resemble the Kalahari Desert in the middle of August, dry dry dry. Not one drip will drop from the end of your knob! (poetic huh?) . This leads to the ultimate humiliation of having to zip up and saunter off like you have done the business back to your table or drink and then five minutes later have to go again and suffer the same horrors like a recurring nightmare or groundhog day.

Then there is the insufferable humiliation of the rogue drips and even unexpected spray back from your own member. This usually happens when you have on light coloured trousers and are at some gala evening or meeting with your girlfriend for the first time. What does one do? Hopefully the place will be empty and they have a multidirectional hand drier that’s not too high up on the wall, so you can dry it off. Another tip is to spray your groin area with water from the tap and blame the high power taps and laugh it off, or stay in the cubicles fending off the lurkers until you have dried out claiming on return a dodgy tummy.

Girls, I know standing up to have a pee is tough and manly and I guess even the peeing etiquette in the ladies toilets gets a little off sometime, but with you it’s much easier to aim, just sit and you hit the target 100% of the times. I guess it’s the hoverers that spray the seats or the transvestite males who use the ladies and still stand spraying the seats. But be warned peeing standing up will not be as much fun as you think it might be.