Ikea - The dark pit of hell

Today I will mainly be in Ikea.

As many of you know I have recently moved house to live in that great metropolis that is Plymouth. My wife is ecstatic because now instead of sheep there is Marks and Spencer, all manner of shoe shops, coffee bars, cinemas indeed all the money pits one might expect in this urban jungle.

Yes, we are now living the cosmopolitan life and to do this properly apparently we need furniture from Ikea. Admittedly one does get a little tired of living out of cardboard boxes and suitcases after a few weeks but like anything one can get used to it. My wife however, is not having any of it – maybe its because she’s a Ukrainian?

So I have booked the Transit Van, yes my friends this is serious. So serious in fact that I am considering ‘losing’ my chequebook and getting flu. But I know that this will be in vain, even the guy who rented me the van was sympathetic.

‘Where are you going?’ he asked.

‘Bristol’ I answered.

‘Ikea’?

I nodded.

He shook his head. ‘Most of the rentals for Bristol are for Ikea’ he muttered looking at me with sympathy.

I grunted and looked embarrassed.

We only visited Ikea about 2 weeks ago for a recce, as, if you remember, I had to go to Cardiff. So I took the wife with me planning to have a quick whiz around the shop looking at the prices and stuff. It cost me 300 quid JUST LOOKING. (3 hours!) What did we buy? I DON’T KNOW!

That’s the beauty of this business. You have to trail through the shop past all this stuff and its all just so cheap and yes you just have to have the Smalk light and Tosvig pen holder and the Beork plastic tray etc etc and then at the till its 300 quid! (Ok I did buy a bed for Matilda as well)

This time though its serious – we need wardrobes, a ‘fitment’ (silently screaming inside) for the lounge, table, chairs and other stuff I’m too scared to write it down because the calculator in my head is working overtime (come on now I’m a sociologist, I don’t do maths!) and I’m scared that the total will make my head explode (and yes I do remember it’s a week before Christmas)

The thing that worries me though is none of this furniture is an investment like it was in the olden days. I mean back when furniture was furniture one would buy a Chippendale chair in Oak or Mahogany or a Rosewood whatnot or a Georgian chiffonier and now years later its being featured on Antiques Roadshow on TV with some guy from Eton salivating all over it and caressing it with more sensuality than he has ever done with his girlfriend. I can’t see any one doing that to our Bvalk wardrobes.

Indeed this furniture only has any value while on display in the shop. Once you walk it through the checkout it is basically worthless. Once you have struggled to put it all together and its there in your living room/bedroom, wherever - it is less than worthless because if it ever comes apart it'll never look the same. I mean no one in their right mind is going to buy it off you are they? Unless its to turn the chipboard into toilet paper.

And then due to the wonders of built in obsolescence which seems to be a feature of so many modern designs in a few years it’ll all look so old fashioned the wife will be unhappy and demand another trip to Ikea. It’s a bit like being brainwashed. I didn’t think the Swedes were so clever having being brought up in a time where the only Swedes I knew were the Swedish chef on the Muppets and some tennis player, o yes and ABBA.

So think of me today as I meander around the huge warehouse trying to direct the wife away from more things we don’t need, I can’t even look forward to the meatballs being a vegetarian and all. But on the positive side my house will soon be a palace of contemporary living what with me chipboard fitments and plastic trays that all have names.