Alan Tichmarsh’s Compost Heap

OK so California didn’t slip into the Pacific Ocean last night, well I guess it didn’t as no one called. So now I am on tenterhooks not knowing what to do re the End of the World and to make it worse, without my even noticing, the Students are all back on campus!

Yes they’re there, I’ve seen them, swanning around the University with their brand new mobiles and their brand new fashion branded fleeces and tee shirts, showing off their trainers that cost their mums and dads and arm and a leg as Christmas presents. How can a pair of trainers cost over £100? There’s not even enough material in them that justifies that amount, I guess as a marketer I should understand more about added value or maybe as Marx suggests, the surplus value, ‘cos that’s what ends up slopping around in Mr. Nike’s back pocket as he buys another island somewhere.

O to be a student again, those long afternoon sitting in the bars, canoodling in the study carrels in the library, those long, intense discussions about philosophy, the state of the world, the university and who’s shagging the Sociology lecturers! It’s a world I once inhabited and how I envy these bright young things on the threshold of a new life, experiencing new highs and lows, losing their virginity, experiencing projectile vomiting for the first time from too many vodka and red bulls, kissing frogs and princes down in the Student Union and still getting their essays in on time. All hoping upon hope for at least a 2nd or even a 2:1.

This wish is more than a wish to be young again. I don’t want that. God, just seeing Jackie Stallone on TV last night scared the living daylights out of me. Are we sure that Sty is her son cos I would put money on the fact that she shares at least some DNA with Michael Jackson, maybe it was the same batch of Botox or lamb (or monkey) foetus. Please don’t let those two procreate, I know she’s nearly 102 but stranger things have happened on this earth, I don’t know what but I’m sure they have.

Can you imagine it? The monster that would emerge from between her thighs, or from the test tube, if you want to dive right into the Brave New World of Aldous Huxley, this thing created from the union of these two cyborgs! Ugh.

Lets change the subject before I even sicken myself. And in an attempt to make my life better, so I am match fit for the final countdown which is no doubt upon its way, I am currently drinking a cup of Dr. Stuarts botanical Detox Tea.

If I just list the ingredients you will have some idea how foul it really is:
Dandelion Root, Burdock Root, Corn Silk, Milk Thistle, Bearberry Leaves, Liquorice Root, Peppermint, Spearmint, Ginger Root, Sage, Galangal Root, Artichoke leaves.

This teabag pouch reads like the contents of Alan Tichmarsh’s Compost heap and believe me when I tell you it tastes much the same. Perhaps I have to abide by that old adage, ‘if it tastes bad then it must be doing you some good’. Wrong. The only way this tea will Detox me is by helping me relive those moments, when as a mature student, I still entered the spirit of the student experience and succumbed to projectile vomiting.

I mean I don’t even know what Corn Silk is, lets google for a minute…

Corn silk is useful with the following
Zea mays (yes - the soft hairy strands on the top of the fresh cob) is great in helping and treating the following problems and conditions
soothing urinary tract
assists with prostate problems
relaxation
kidney tonic
cystitis
diuretic
boils
fluid and water retention

Sounds good so soon I’ll need to rush to pee but I won’t get boils. Fine now what about Galangal Root…

In Western Europe in the Middle Ages, the root was considered an aphrodisiac.

Whooohooo watch out wifey I’ll be in the mood tonight!

Hmmm this is interesting, what about Bearberry leaves never heard of those either…

Bearberry leaves are, therefore, used in inflammatory diseases of the urinary tract, urethritis, cystisis, etc… Cattle, however, avoid the plant.

Hmm so it seems my urinary tract is going to be healthy, but I’m gonna worry about the cows, what about their urinary health (have you seen them pee - think Niagra Falls!) and what do they know about this plant that we don’t? We need to be told!

And Milk Thistle

In the 19th century the Eclectics used the herb for varicose veins, menstrual difficulty, and congestion in the liver, spleen and kidneys. Milk thistle has also been taken to increase breast-milk production, stimulate the secretion of bile, and as a treatment for depression.

So after this foul cup of tea, it looks like I am going to be a happy randy sod with a healthy liver and urinary tract, no varicose veins, no period pains and more breast milk! Bonus and I got this for free in the local health food shop.

I’m sure the rest of the stuff is probably aimed at my bowels so we’ll draw a swift curtain across those and see what happens. This Dr. Stuart seems to be a clever sod and according to Google he existed as well as the ‘Father of Modern Herbalism’.

O well another day and…excuse me I must just slip off to the…….