Happy New F&%”!*g Year

I am deflated, crushed and demoralised. Its only January 10th and the New Years not going well. I am not just talking about the normal things as well. Yes I’ve looked at the bank account, gasped, gone white and felt slightly faint and there’s still another 20 days to the end of the month. I have calculated the amount left on the overdraft and the amount of money we need to get to pay day with out having to resort to eating next doors cat and the figures don’t match up. This is also despite having to go to London next week because one of the boys needs a new passport and his embassy demands he attend in person.

I am talking about all those other superfluous things and events that conspire to make sure that life is not the smooth placid, enjoyable experience one would want it to be. So, for example, there am I crowing about how holier I am than thou about cycling to work every day in my feeble attempt to ward off the on coming heart attack (I am well within the death zone). I don all my lycra on Friday morning prior to cycling to work when I noticed that my back tyre looked a little soft. I got out my trusty pump and attended to this minor problem. Half an hour later I am still trying to get some air, any air back into the tyre. No I haven’t got a puncture, the tyre was perfectly OK but I just wanted a little more pressure in it. But every time I have it pumped up hard and tried to take the pump connector off, I lose all my pressure. (This could be an analogy about any 50 year (plus) old man, but its not thank you). So I have to finally give up defeated and get the bus to work! I am deflated.

So I spend my day sorting out my office and when I get home later in the afternoon my wife and I have to go shopping, because as you will remember it was, on Friday, the Ukrainian Christmas Day. So we jump into my trusty Citroen and zoom off to Tesco’s where can you believe it but my car tyre goes down! Two flaccid rubbers in one day can you credit it? Fortunately I am near the garage and can get the tyre pumped up again. No there’s no puncture, the car is sitting outside my home right now, with the tyre nicely plump. I fear I might have some sort of tyre-letting-down gremlin haunting me.

Next in my list of New Year Calamities is my car crash! On Saturday I had to travel to Okehampton to pick up my 6 year old daughter Matilda to bring home for the weekend because my mum and dad and sister and brother in law were all visiting to celebrate the above mentioned Christmas with us. But I had to briefly pop into Somerfield for some stuff and while we were at it got a chocolate croissant for Matty and a plain one for me for breakfast on the road. So we jumped in the car ready for the hours journey home, we were just driving slowly out of the carpark when, I dropped my croissant on to the floor, I looked down briefly and the next second there was that gnarly, crushing screeching sound of me ripping someone’s mirror of the side of their car and all the trim off the side of mine let alone the dent on my front wing. You would have thought they would have been a bit more alert to someone veering into their path wouldn’t you? Anyway we exchanged names and addresses and now I’m expecting a huge bill. BAH!

The final indignity was me falling off the wagon and eating my face off and drinking lots this weekend to make up for the disappointments of these two days. I know that this default was well within my own personal control, but hey its my wife’s first Orthodox Christmas away from her family so I had to get into the spirit of things didn’t I? It would have been rude not to and its not often my parents visit me at home either, this is my new home so they were coming to give it the once over as well. I know you told me so, but I’ll be back on my bike tomorrow, I bought a new value replacement kit so all should be well. I am working at home today expecting the boys new computer to be delivered, delivery time between 8 in the morning and 6 at night, nice to know the precise time they are coming isn’t it?

O well back to the tele!