In Praise of Women's Bottoms - my Valentines theme

As its STILL February I will continue on the romance/in praise of women theme.

I am a bum man. I make no bones about it and if that is a sexist comment so be it. Yes I am a Neanderthal sexist dinosaur. But I cannot help it, like being attracted by scent is a biological imperative, so is being attracted to women via their bottoms. There is all that psychological stuff about bottoms symbolising breasts and all that guff. But I’m not so sure. You’re either a bottom man or a breast man. (Sometimes in the summer I can be a belly button man too)

So for me there is nothing like a good bum swaying away in front of me (an extra bonus of course if the woman in question is wearing perfume!) Don’t get me wrong I’m not at all particularly interested in bare bottoms so if you intend to read on looking for prurient content you will be disappointed. No, for me the bottom nicely encased in a pair of jeans is simple and attractive. It draws the eye and elevates the simple pleasures of the day from the mundane to the magnificent.

I don’t go searching the streets peering at the arses of every woman that pass by. A pert bottom is a found treasure, something unexpected. Sometimes one catches a glimpse of one in the distance like some mirage in the desert. Slipping in and out of view as the crowds ebbs and flows across the pavement. Other times one is glimpsed out of the window of a moving car, out of the corner of the eye, a time-limited masterpiece that makes you want to crane your neck around like an owl just to catch that last fleeting glance.

Then others are just there. In front of you in the queue, on the pavement, in the gym, or on the beach. Often when they are that close it feels inappropriate to look. It is too intense, too personal, and too intrusive. But like a moth drawn to a flame my eyes are drawn to that bottom. I don’t want to touch, salivate too much in public or even stare inappropriately. But one just has to let ones eyes slide over that glorious rump swinging away metronomically, hypnotically away from you. Think of Marylyn Munroe in ‘Some Like It Hot’ walking down the platform just before she is made to jump by a jet of steam.

Of course bottom overload can be found on TV and in particular on the music channels. These channels are bottom central. Some of these music videos are almost pornographic in their use of the bottom and we’re not just talking J Lo here. The majority of female R n B, Swing, Hip Hop etc artists have magnificent arses and boy do they know how to use them. How do they do that backwards and forwards jerky motion? That is so fascinating for a bum man but even I get a little uncomfortable watching them and that’s a worry, maybe its just that these girls are a little too young for my tastes, but you must agree that women like Beyonce, Ciara, ok J Lo, and the 1001 dancing girls that support these singers have the arses of angels.

It must be great to be a woman with a great arse and no wonder that plastic surgeons have jumped on the bandwagon and are offering arseendectomies or bottom replacement therapy. It’s an asset (gettit?) to treasure, not to become a great rolling heap of cellulite so stay away from the chocolate girls and think of those intense moments of fleeting pleasure you bring to the world. So swing that booty as you sashay your way down the street causing all sorts of mayhem behind you as drivers take their eyes off the road and entranced pedestrian’s crash into one another as they strain for that last glimpse of your arse.

I leave with the immortal words of KC and the Sunshine Band:

Shake shake shake, shake shake shake,
Shake your booty! Shake your booty!
Oh, shake shake shake, shake shake shake,
Shake your booty! Shake your booty.
You can, you can do it very well.
You're the best in the world, I can tell.
Shake shake shake, shake shake shake,
Shake your booty! Shake your booty!


And my car of choice - why the Renault Megane of course!