O For Gods Sake Its Now Mothers Day!

I have just discovered to my horror that in seventeen days it will be Mothers Day! God Love Us, can’t somebody do something about all these special days – maybe I should just set up a direct debit in favour of Hallmark cards so they can just suck my bank balance dry.

Now I know that most of us in this world are lucky enough to have had a loving mother, the exceptions to this statement are - Margaret Thatcher (spawn of Lucifer) G.W. Bush (alien impostor), Michael Jackson (scientific experiment gone horribly wrong) and Robocop! And it is right that we should honour this wonderful woman with a special day, but so close to Christmas and Valentines Day – I ask you. I’m not a skinflint, but I would like my bank balance to level out for a week or two.

Now mothers are wonderful beings, despite what Freud and Jung and all those psychologists may have to say about them. I have never wanted to *&$! my mum (thankfully she was not Goldie Horn) or murder my Dad (not yet anyway, not until I’ve checked the insurance, the will and value of their house). So it is right and proper that we should honour our mums (or for the American readers moms).

We have to thank them first for doing the dirty deed with our dads (I know it doesn’t bear thinking about, but hey, they were young too - once) so that we might actually exist in the first place. We also have to thank them for protecting us from our Dad’s genetic faults as well. I mean we could all now be suffering from male pattern hair loss, middle aged paunch, knock knees, short-sightedness, loss of libido and heart problems, if it wasn’t for your mums genes fighting a deathly battle with your dads genetic warriors (if you are a woman reading this, and if you have developed any of the above because your father was selfish enough to pass on his defective dna to you, I apologise, but don’t blame me, blame that little old grey haired sex fiend in the corner who thought the sun shone out of his bottom for a few brief years as she rode him like a stallion!)

We also have to thank our mum’s for continually reminding us that our house needs cleaning because when she visits she spends half her time dusting, washing up, hoovering and generally making a nuisance of herself instead of enjoying the cakes and sandwiches we have prepared for her, she points out that our shirt buttons are not done up to the top and do you have on clean pants and vests (fortunately I have never been knocked down by a bus because now I’m a man naturally my underwear is minging and would make all the Casualty nurses pass out and my mother die of shame), she will remark that I’m looking a bit pasty, (i.e. ‘is she treating you well’ meaning the wife of course), and that the children are absolute angels (at her house - in her presence) so why do we moan about them all the time, she will make a point of telling you about all your old girlfriends and how well they are doing in front of you and your wife and get upset when you tell her to a. shut up, b. stop interfering and c. I am now fifty and can dress oneself thanks very much and chose when to change my own underwear.

Mum’s are great aren’t they?. I was trying to come up with a list of the ten best mums in the world and I actually couldn’t because there are so many great mums. My first one was that one in the Bible who kept begetting everybody (although it might have been those biblical blokes who did all the begetting and the wives were just the recipients of all that passion – my bible knowledge is a bit hazy) if it wasn’t for her, the first mum, none of us would be here, we might be all orang utans (one of the few animals I would like to be!). I guess Noahs’ wife was a good mum because she all those kids and a houseful of animals to look after. (But then again there’s loads of trailer trash that live in homes like that – ive seen them on Oprah!) See it’s difficult to come up with a list of the good mum’s – Mary perhaps, she was Jesus’ mum so she must be OK for God to have chose her to be a mum.

It’s just too hard to come up with the definitive list of good mum’s. It’s sad when you lose one (I would recommend an electronic ankle bracelet as they get older) but they have make us what we are today, the caring loving sensitive men that buy our wives cards and presents because they too will soon be the mothers of the fruit of their loins. And yes as we get older we men will need a surrogate mother as we descend into that second childhood where all our dribbling needs are met by our loving caring wives.

So Mum’s of the world I salute you, I am just sorry I can’t buy you all a card this mothers day the 6th march which, for those of you who note these things, is just two days after my birthday and four days before my daughter matilda’s 6th. I’ll be adding a PayPal link just as soon as a can for those kind gifts and donations!