When I dumped the mug of coffee into my lap, as I sat at my desk, I knew I was in for a bad day. That I did it in front of the glamorous PR assistant who had just bought me the coffee was even worse. The peels of laughter that rang from my office bought more gawkers from their offices to watch me hopping about whilst holding the fabric of my soaking trousers away from my legs and other sensitive bits.
To top this, I then had to walk downtown in my sopping trousers, like someone with a very bad incontinence problem, to the shops to purchase a new pair of trousers because I had a meeting to go to later in the morning. I could see the passersby looking at me their eyes drawn to the wet patch that started, hugely, in my groin and then spread, like the Niagra falls down my left leg. I noticed, also, that as I moved towards them they changed the angle they were walking so that they left a good few feet between them and me as we passed, as if I could pass on some awful pissing disease to them. I felt like I should have been wearing a badge, or a sandwich board stating ‘Its Coffee’ not Piss!)
Then, the garage called about my car, I’ll not bore you with the details but they said it would cost about £200 max. I believed them. See what a mug I am. (Please disregard all I said in my last blog, it doesn’t relate to me at all, no that was someone else who hacked my blog passing themselves off as Dr. Rob!) Yes fooled again because the final total is £200 AND 96p! What a rip! See how one can’t trust a mechanic. Even if you asked a mechanic the time, he first has to suck in his breath, put a tortured look on his face, rub his grubby chin with grubbier hands, shake his head a bit, wince, pick his nose with grime encrusted fingernails (has no one ever told him about the link between dirty fingernails and cervical cancer?) then tell you it was about one o’clock, that its already two thirty in the afternoon, proves my point!
The next indignity to befall me this tainted day, was when having to walk into town again (not because of trouser problems) to get the said 200 quid from the bank, it rained on me. When I started out it was beautiful and sunny, I was lulled into thinking Spring was really here. All the signs were there. Bluebells and daffodils, birds making nests, and female students not wearing a lot around the campus! So I joined them in my new trousers and short sleeved shirt. Before I was half way there I was wet again.
I know about April showers and all that but please God (if you’re reading this – and I know you are!) why me. What have I done so badly in a past life that you send me this Karma? The only good thing to come out of this damp trip, is that when it rains and there’s a bit of a nip back in the air, the female students tops become interestingly topographical! Hurrah for thin tee shirts!
Of course the day is barely half over as yet, so I am hoping that this run of bad luck has passed. My main worry is when I return for my car the mechanic will say ‘yes boss yer spheres are fixed but I did notice that yer flange sprocket divider is a bit worn’ ‘O yes’ I’ll say ‘and how much will that cost?’ (see above because I can’t be arsed to write it all again but you know the score)
There is a bit of a storm outside my window at the moment, thunder and lightening, so knowing my luck all they’ll find later in the day is a pile of slightly smouldering carbon dust on my chair. Although I have great faith that my new trousers will protect me as they do resist ‘everyday spills’ according to the label (Marks and Spencer’s you know). I wonder what everyday spills they refer to though?
Ho hum Have a nice weekend folks!
To top this, I then had to walk downtown in my sopping trousers, like someone with a very bad incontinence problem, to the shops to purchase a new pair of trousers because I had a meeting to go to later in the morning. I could see the passersby looking at me their eyes drawn to the wet patch that started, hugely, in my groin and then spread, like the Niagra falls down my left leg. I noticed, also, that as I moved towards them they changed the angle they were walking so that they left a good few feet between them and me as we passed, as if I could pass on some awful pissing disease to them. I felt like I should have been wearing a badge, or a sandwich board stating ‘Its Coffee’ not Piss!)
Then, the garage called about my car, I’ll not bore you with the details but they said it would cost about £200 max. I believed them. See what a mug I am. (Please disregard all I said in my last blog, it doesn’t relate to me at all, no that was someone else who hacked my blog passing themselves off as Dr. Rob!) Yes fooled again because the final total is £200 AND 96p! What a rip! See how one can’t trust a mechanic. Even if you asked a mechanic the time, he first has to suck in his breath, put a tortured look on his face, rub his grubby chin with grubbier hands, shake his head a bit, wince, pick his nose with grime encrusted fingernails (has no one ever told him about the link between dirty fingernails and cervical cancer?) then tell you it was about one o’clock, that its already two thirty in the afternoon, proves my point!
The next indignity to befall me this tainted day, was when having to walk into town again (not because of trouser problems) to get the said 200 quid from the bank, it rained on me. When I started out it was beautiful and sunny, I was lulled into thinking Spring was really here. All the signs were there. Bluebells and daffodils, birds making nests, and female students not wearing a lot around the campus! So I joined them in my new trousers and short sleeved shirt. Before I was half way there I was wet again.
I know about April showers and all that but please God (if you’re reading this – and I know you are!) why me. What have I done so badly in a past life that you send me this Karma? The only good thing to come out of this damp trip, is that when it rains and there’s a bit of a nip back in the air, the female students tops become interestingly topographical! Hurrah for thin tee shirts!
Of course the day is barely half over as yet, so I am hoping that this run of bad luck has passed. My main worry is when I return for my car the mechanic will say ‘yes boss yer spheres are fixed but I did notice that yer flange sprocket divider is a bit worn’ ‘O yes’ I’ll say ‘and how much will that cost?’ (see above because I can’t be arsed to write it all again but you know the score)
There is a bit of a storm outside my window at the moment, thunder and lightening, so knowing my luck all they’ll find later in the day is a pile of slightly smouldering carbon dust on my chair. Although I have great faith that my new trousers will protect me as they do resist ‘everyday spills’ according to the label (Marks and Spencer’s you know). I wonder what everyday spills they refer to though?
Ho hum Have a nice weekend folks!
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1 comment:
Hey it's not all bad think of the royalties coming to you from the single we've just recorded. You ARE the new Bernie Taupin.
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