I need £20,000 asap please help....

I need £20,000, I need it now, and I’m desperate. To be honest no I don’t need it for a life saving operation, nor is my daughter suffering some rare disease that can only be cured in America. Neither do I have large gambling debts that has led to the mob threatening me with large and well used baseball bats for the return of the money.

No, I need £20,000 for a more mundane reason than that. I need to retire. I’m of that age now (over 50 if you remember) when the thought of getting up for work, or indeed work in general has lost the thrill it had in my twenties and thirties ( and here I am lying because it never did had that thrill, but bear with me here). And of course being April we have all received from our pension companies our statements that tell us what our pensions look like now and what they will look like when we reach 65.

If I took early retirement now I could look forward to the princely sum of £1,500 ish per annum but if I hang on until I am 65 I would be the beneficiary of the sum of about £5,500 pounds per year (of course this will be in the year 2019 when, with inflation, a tin of dog food will be £50 – yum!)

So the prognosis is not good so I have come up with the idea for this appeal, I need £20,000. It’s not a lot. Probably a few hours interest on the capital in the bank for many of you reading this blog. Why do I need it you ask? And after all £20,000 is a very modest sum to ask for.

First if I could get, scrape up, or be given £20,000 me and the wife could re-locate to the Crimea, buy a house and live quite well on my pension of £1,500 per year and I wouldn’t have to work. Of course if you were, for example a sole giver, you would always be welcome in the house and you could have a holiday in Sevastopol when ever you wanted.

Look I don’t want you to think that I am a lazy git who doesn’t want to work or earn this 20 grand. I have had some ideas.

Sell my daughter on ebay, I’m sure she’s worth at least £20, 000 as she’s priceless to me (don’t tell her mum of my plans though!)
Put the wife on the game
Sell a kidney or other part of my body (guys send me an email – you’ll be impressed!!)
Become an international assassin (rates on application)
Put myself on the game (women see the pics I send the guys!!!)
Kill my parents to get my share of the house (this is, of course, a last resort as they may die naturally soon anyway!)
Hassle God a bit more for some good luck on the lottery
Become a best selling author (commissioning editors who read this blog I already have the first 10,000 words of a novel in the bag!)
Find a piece of toast that looks like the Pope to sell on ebay
Put together a crack team of thieves like in Oceans 11 to pull a blag at the local casino

So that’s the ideas, what do you think, got any more?

Until I manage to get any of the above off the ground I’ll just put this little paypal button here so if you do happen to have a few thousand quid to spare or even a tenner or a quid you can donate to the fund by clicking on the button, its easy and secure go on – you know it makes sense.

So if you enjoy this blog and want to make a difference, show your appreciation, or want to be just damn generous (go on you'll feel so good) just click on the link. Thank you in anticipation.

PS if you do have £20 grand to spare and want to lend it to me or just give it to me to buy a house in Crimea get in touch with me, I will pay it back – honest.