Monday, February 20, 2017

My Facebook posts got TRUMPED.

I have been writing since my last update about my new novel The Twelfth Rune. It's coming along although I have been suffering from a cold, a cough and a thick head, so I will not suggest its been coming in leaps and bounds. More like little increments as my brain lightens up enough to let some words flow.

The main problem is just feeling tired all the time and not having the energy to think beyond watching something on YouTube and just longing out.

I've been having a bit of fun on Facebook. Because my new website has a blog facility I was wondering if I really needed to close these blogs down and start another new one on the website.  It was draining just to think about it. Then someone asked a similar question and posted that they were going to use their blog to allow their characters some freedom, so the blog could fill in back stories and so on.

Bingo I thought. So I posted this.

Dear Ann, Please consider this my application to steal the shit out of your idea. I have been wondering how to start my blog on my new website and my mind has been a blank. I, with your gracious permission, of course, will use my main characters voice - so it's not my blog, I don't need ideas - it's his. Yours plagerismly Rob

So then I started doodling a bit an idea for my blog and posted this:

My blog is gonna be so good, so very very good, I'm going to write bigly, I mean that literally it's going to be so so great, it'll be the best blog ever, I mean that, I see words, great words, words like you have never seen words, it'll be great, people will love it, love the words, mark my words, they'll be vetted and checked and edited. They will be edited so so hard that some won't even be allowed into my blog, thats how hard it will be. It'll be great believe me.

It seemed to be popular and someone asked me this. 

Are you going to build a wall around your blog?

And I answered thusly.

 I will build a wall and it will be a great wall, it will be a wonder wall, a wall of wonder, back beat the word will be on the street. It'll be so so great so fantastic, It'll be there until the fire in your heart is out. Really. I love our fantastic firefighters. Really love those guys. Girls too. I just wanna say that. Look I'm sure you've heard it all before, but I just wanna say it again and again. I have no doubts it will be fantastic, really great and you'll never really have a doubt. I don't believe that anybody especially the media with their fake news about my wall, my wonder wall, feels the way I do about it now. I feel great, I love it, I love you all, my Blog is great. Its an alternative fact that I haven't started it. So so bad. I have eleventy billion readers right now. At this moment. Its so so popular. And after all it's my wonder wall. Today was gonna be the day...

But I had my detractors who commented

Don't listen to crooked Rob and the fake news media, my blog is gonna be amazing, simply amazing and run by top people, the best people, better people than you, that's right, we're gonna lock up crooked Rob and his so called blog, we're gonna lock him up, then build a wall around him and make mexico pay for it

I retorted

 Look I like Greg I really really do. Great guy. Love his family too. Lovely family nice nice family. And his daughter. Lovely. Just 19, so so very young. I've known him a long long time really, I have, been to his house, lovely, nice daughter. Great friend. You know why I like him? He wasn't captured in Vietnam. Fantastic. a Hero. American hero. Keeps America great by not being captured by the gooks. Right. Look he does a great job. A fantastic job. Calls Putin daily by the way. Collect. Putin pays. its great. I love him. He works so so hard for me. Greg - you're fired!

Oh the fun you can have with words... and a Trump - et.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Thursday, February 02, 2017


I have just noticed that we are in the month of February. It sends shivers of fear down my spine. For February is that month, that month when we men must, above all the other months, have our wits about us. We must, when speaking with our significant other, understand every nuance of what they say to us, we must listen carefully to every sentence, analyse every word and notice every glance, every slight wrinkle of worry and doubt upon their brow, every soft sigh. We must be sure that we dredge up some romantic spark and fulfil their unspoken wishes, albeit that none of us are psychic and must fulfil these unspoken desires even though they are – unspoken!

Yes my fellow men the month of St. Valentine is upon us. 

St Valentine looking sad and worried because he forgot to buy her chocolate

10 things to remember about St Valentines Day

1. St. Valentine suffered a grisly death at the hands of the Romans. This serves to remind us men what will happen to us should, by some simple twist of fate, or sudden onrush of Alzheimer's disease, we forget the day

2. Saint Valentine is also the patron saint of epilepsy. No doubt this condition was bought on by the amount of money he had to spend on Cards, Chocolates, Flowers, Sexy underwear and other trinkets in the annual attempt to convince his partner that he is truly in love with her – and at a time, I might add, when the credit card and the bank balance are still suffering from exactly the same exercise at Christmas.

3. Lovebirds are tiny African parrots that carry disease. Therefore, although initially this seems like a romantic and apt gift for your lover, they are likely to contract psittacosis. This condition can cause fever, chills, weakness and fatigue, chest pain and loss of appetite, all of which are classic symptoms of being in love and will for a short period engender some sympathy if not out and out fawning. But as soon as the vomiting, diarrhoea, headaches and sweating start you can be sure this would be a Valentines to remember.

4. Hallmark Cards generates $4 billion in sales and charges an average $2.95 or more for a greeting card at retail while it costs the company a mere seven cents to manufacture the card. However, it is a huge mistake (see No 1) to recycle last year’s card. Don't attempt to make one unless you went to a top arts college or god forbid, forget.

5. Roman youths drew the names of girls who would be their partners during Lupercalia. This custom was Christianized and spread to Europe, England and Germany. The modern name for this is ‘swinging’. It is doubtful that your partner would be thrilled if you suggested this as a Valentines treat unless of course she is Swedish or German, where this sort of thing goes on non stop – or so I’m told. I’m not sure about what happens in the Americas.

6. Do not present your secret or intended loved one with a bouquet of Bay leaf, although this is the Valentine symbol of ‘hope’, she is more likely to interpret this as a request for a stew or soup of some kind. Better the Gardenia: ‘I love you in secret’ or the traditional Rose: ‘I love you passionately’. Although the Persians believe that ‘at night a nightingale flew toward the white rose attracted by its fragrance. He was pierced by the thorns and his blood dyed the flower red’. So not a nice image to plight your troth with.

7. One explanation for not buying chocolate this year is that the Roman equivalent of Valentine is Lupercus, the Greed god. Telling your partner (symbolically) that she is a greedy bitch whose cellulite is getting out of control is not the real message of Valentines Day is it?

8. Apparently ‘Diamonds are a girls best friend’ and are popular gifts for women during Valentines. This is perhaps because the diamond derives its name from the Greek adamas, "untameable" or "unconquerable", referring to its hardness. Similar traits to those we find in women. They may well get all soft and dewy eyed upon reciving such a gift and we men may strike it lucky that evening, but beware, these traits will re appear as soon as normal service is resumed on February 15th.

9. Apparently food is the key to expressing love and going out for a meal on Valentines Day is popular. According to one website Lobster is very popular. Last year in the UK there were 90,000 reported instances of food poisoning. Even under the best of circumstances, eating lobsters can be a public health risk. Seafood is the number one cause of food poisoning in the United States, and shellfish are involved in more than 66 percent of all seafood-related illnesses. In fact, as much as 10 percent of raw shellfish are infected with organisms that can cause hepatitis, salmonella poisoning, cholera, and even death. Maybe Valentines is the night to stay in, protect the credit card and have some Pasta! She’ll love you for being so thoughtful.

10. Cupid and Psyche, once together, (it’s a bit of a yarn) had a daughter born to them whose name was Pleasure. A lovely story of true romance but let this be a warning to all you young lovers out there, a few glasses of champagne, half a lobster and some chocolate pudding, if you survive the food poisoning, you’ll end up pregnant and be paying for it for the rest of your lives. A daughter called Pleasure, I think not. Maybe a daughter called Wilful, Disobedient, Headstrong and ‘You’re not going out in a skirt that short are you’?

So men, muster your courage, grab that box of dairy milk, and the wilting bunch of twelve roses from the garage forecourt, strengthen your resolve and with beating heart, bend your knee and pledge yourself to your loved one.

You know it makes sense.

BTW - Check out my new website Rob Burton