Cold Bottomed Women

Why are women SO COLD? Perhaps I should rephrase that. Why are the women who sleep in my bed so cold? Not emotionally you understand but physically.

First off I am not a serial woman sleeperer with. I am simply talking about the women who have entered my life and have slept in my bed for legitimate reasons. I.e. we have been married, or ‘seeing’ each other. (Not at the same time I may add – I am British after all!).

All of these women, (by all, I mean I can count the number I have slept with on two hands) have had, without exception cold hands, bums, feet, legs and noses. What is wrong with women’s circulation? Where does all their blood go?

I know for a fact most of it is involved in and around their brain. That’s because they are thinking all the time. Thinking, he don’t love me, he does love me, my hands are cold, lets see if I can remember everything he has said in an argument over the last 7 years, my bums cold, why has he just moved his foot half an inch into MY space in the bed., my feet are cold, what colour curtains would go in the living rooms as I don’t like the new ones I have just bought, my nose is cold. I could go on but the blog would be boring then.

Even when we go on holiday to some trendy hotspot, there are still bits that are cold. Can the women out there in blog land, California and all parts west confirm to me whether this is a global phenomenon? (I can understand why Canadian women have cold spots, particularly in Alaska.) What about in Australia do the Shelia’s out there suffer from cold bottom syndrome? The answers to these questions may help me choose wife number 4 when wife number 3 gives up the ghost (married in May and still fingers crossed!).

It’s just not fair is it. I get in bed all warm and comfy and then in walks significant other who jumps in bed runs freezing cold hands over my warm body, sticks ice block feet in my crotch and then eventually when those are warmed up turns over and sticks cold bum into my groinal area as we ‘spoon’ together.

She then, on the pretext of being cold steals the entire quilt and takes up 5/6ths of the available bed space. Positioning herself close enough to my body to suck all the heat out of it, but at the same time not close enough for me to get ‘heated’ if you know what I mean.

So I got her an electric blanket. She initially complains and rejects the present as ‘these are only for 80 year old women’. But it still goes on the bed and now it’s set at maximum (it’s only October 11th) so I spend all night getting roasted – but HER BUMS STILL COLD – what’s happening here? Perhaps I ought to contact NASA with this and if they find out the cause they could use the application on the underside of the space shuttle to prevent burn up as they re-enter the atmosphere.

Another week and we’ll have to have the spare quilt on the bed too. What with that and the electric blanket it’ll be like hell. And all this from a woman who comes from a country where in the winter it drops to -30 degrees C. Perhaps that’s it, for all those years living in Ukraine she has stored the cold in her bum and it’s now being released like a storage radiator but in reverse.
I am going outside, I might be some time…….