Farting - the end of the world is nigh

What is it about farting that’s so funny?

Isn’t it ironic that farting will cause the end of the world as we know it! Not a great apocalypse as described in the Bible, not a huge flaming meteorite from outer space, nor aliens even but farts!

Farmers in New Zealand have to pay a ‘fart tax’ because of all the cows and sheep out there are farting us to death and are being blamed for the hole in the ozone layer over the Antarctic. My guess is that the rest of the livestock around the world, the farting millions of them also contribute so it is wrong just to blame the cows and sheep of NZ.

So farting is no joke.

Apparently the most popular toy this Christmas is going to be a farting robot! It’s just won toy of the year and was designed by some guy who worked at NASA. Hurrah isn’t it wonderful what technology is used for. Lets not work on useful technology, something that benefits humankind lets build a farting robot! Brilliant! Maybe we could come up with something to stop cows and sheep farting thus saving the world from a hot stinky death! Now that’s an idea - I’ll email NASA straight away! (Damn can you believe it someone’s already invented it – I bet Leonardo is spinning in his grave)

Another thing that worries me about farting (putting the end of the world aside) is fart protocol.

I guess number 1 is don’t fart in crowded lifts or airplanes.

I suppose number 2 is don’t fart in bed holding girlfriends head under covers shouting ‘Dutch Ovens’.

Where would lying in bed with girlfriend/boyfriend etc in ‘spoons’ position be in the protocol list should one let one go into the groin area of the opposite number? Or quickly spin over and play the Dutch Oven trick?

3.Farting in cars is a no no unless, of course, one is on their own.
4. Silent but deadlies are totally antisocial
5. Lighting farts – why?
6. Why do girls tell us they don’t fart? Is it so they will not be held responsible for the ozone layer thing and can blame us men along with the cows, sheep etc ‘cos we’re all brutal animals, for the end of the world?
7. Don’t fart when you’ve got an upset tummy – obvious reasons
8. This is a bit specialised but farting in space could be a problem. A. the capsule is very small with no windows so it’ll be there forever – you’d not be popular with your space colleagues B. Even worse if you’re in your spacesuit. C. If you were out space walking the resultant jet effect could have you the other side of Uranus before you could blink. (I don’t even want to think about the problems in the Russian spaceships – all that cabbage soup!)
9. Farting tunes – why?
10. Gratuitous Farting – it’s just impolite.
11. Don't brag about the 'Fart Art' in your pants unless you're Tracy Emin.