I Hate Shaving

I hate shaving. Every morning it’s the same routine day after day after day. First have shower, helps to soften bristles. Fill sink with hot water, smear shaving oil over face and scrape scrape scrape. It’s just soooo tedious. Why can’t someone invent a cream like the ladies use for their legs and bits? I mean they don’t have to shave every day do they? Just smear on some of that cream stuff, wash it off, and let the bit of silk stuff waft down their legs and they’re off. Why can’t I do that with my face?

I admit that on weekends I might let it go and not shave, but my stubble isn’t sexy like say George Michael (not that I’d want to be sexy in that way!). I don’t want to grow a big minging beard. I mean come on. Tell me girls how can you bear to kiss some guy with a beard, it must be eeeeeuuuuuuuccccch! Like planting one on a big fozzy bear! And I can’t see me growing a moustache either. That must be just as bad. Come on girls fess up it can’t be fun can it?

Look I’m not particularly beardist or moustachist I just don’t think they would work on me and I would feel embarrassed should I have to snog someone. (hope’s wife isn’t reading this – dear it’s writers license - really). And what about those guys with the sculptured whiskers, the ones that look like Midge Ure in the 1980’s very precise. I guess one would have to spend hours with a micro cutter every day or at least have a season ticket at a salon somewhere. And goatees are so goaty – nah not for me.

I suppose I could go and live in Turkey. The best shaves I ever had were in Turkey. The barbers there use a cut throat razor (disposable blade) and you get a face massage thrown in too. My face was really like a babies bum and it seem to last for days. Nice lemony oil stuff sprayed on face too. But it’s just a bit too far to commute to and from work. So that’s out.

I can’t even use an electric razor. I know it looks sexy and smart driving to work running that Remington across the stubble but apart from the obvious dangers, electric razors seem simply to bend my bristles and make them grow back into my face! That leaves me with big septic bumps across my face and that’s even less attractive than a beard!

Even these new razors the ones with 4 blades that David Beckham uses are useless. You’d have thought that Dave would have noticed this; they just clog up with cut off bristles. The 3 bladers are the best for me.

I think we need to take a lesson from the girls and get some manly creamy type product invented that we could just smear across our faces every few days and just wipe it off. I guess they would even invent a manly silky thing to waft across our chins that’s not too poofy to go with it.

I mean it can’t be that hard. The cream stuff women use on their legs and near their other bits and armpits can’t be too chemically dangerous can it? I mean our manly chins are made of sterner stuff than ladies armpits we drag cold steel across them day after day.

I draw a line at waxing – I’ll leave that to the girl’s and their bikini lines thanks very much.

ps. Why do girls’ waxing have different names are there different styles? I’m curious.