Thursday, March 29, 2012
Garden meditation
Friday, March 23, 2012
How I met my dog....
How I met my dog...
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I am going to China
An adventure in my later years
Escaping the tedium of the office and salary and the 9 to 5 slog
Before I get too old
I am going to China
I'm leaving my old life
And my daughter and my dog
And I can't sleep
I lay on my bed and think
Let the doubt work into my head and kick off the quilt with irritation
My daughter on the settee a metre away snores gently
Supportive but scared of losing her daddy
And he scared
Questions the reason of the decision
I am going to China
And now I cannot sleep
Not like my daughter is sleeping innocent and trusting
But with guilt writhing in my head
And soon the roar of the jet plane with fill my ears
And the smell of China fill my nose
And my daughter will cry her tears
I think of these as I lie, awake, in my bed.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Danny Baker
I once taught sociology at the University of Exeter. It came to my attention via the usual sources that the students had nicknamed me 'Danny Baker'. I'm not sure why as I don't think I particularly look or sound like him. Although I do recollect that at an OU summer school disco I was asked if I was Danny Baker by a rather nice looking girl. Obviously stupidly I answered in the negative and will never know if I could have got a shag out of a positive response.
Back at Exeter ( the obvious choice for student that had failed to get into Oxbridge or Durham) I carried on through the term knowing that these bright sparks were still calling me 'Danny' (perhaps it was my working class roots, or my accent which many placed as London but not cockney although I have spent all my life south of Bristol in the west country)
Throughout the term I planned my revenge. The last lecture of the year is the one where the lecturer might give BIG hints as to what might come up in the exam which he himself had written. So a full turn out was expected.
On the day the students hung on my every word, taking copious notes trying to decipher my words for the much needed exam hints. At the end of the lecture I summed up with - 'Now if there is just one thing you need to take from this series of lectures, the most important thing is this......the students sat, attentive, rapt, their pencils poised for my most important insight.
I switched the overhead projector on (yes it was a few years ago) and there in all his glory was a picture of Danny Baker!
'That is' I pointed at the picture 'Danny Baker, a big cockney twat' and 'I' I said, pointing at myself 'am the guy that's going to mark your exams!' I kept a serious slightly pissed off look on my face
There was a stunned silence in the room, lots of nervous eyes and shuffling, until I smiled at which everyone laughed with relief and the lecture series came to a happy end.
So that's my Danny Baker story. You can follow Danny on twitter @prodnose
Thanks Danny - keep on keeping on!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Six Nations Rugby
The power and the glory
The blood and the beef
The thrilling knife-edge story
The kick and the pass
The maul and the ruck
Body slamming tackles
The nip and the tuck
Of the winger and scrum half
The push of the pack
No 10 sometimes the hero
Safe hands, the full back.
The trys and conversions
The full bore drop goal
Playing for their country
Mind, body and soul
The stadiums are singing
The anthems and songs
The flags and the mascots
The shirts say I belong
The players are our Heros
Their courage is unbowed
To proudly play for country
To thrill the watching crowd
The six nations rugby
An immense sporting event
Boys get out on that field
And play with passionate intent!
Lazy Sunday...blues
I'm sitting on my ass
I'm even saving money
By turning off the gas
A massive jug of coffee
A pile of bagels, cheese
I'm just doing fuck all
Doing as I please
Just got the Sunday papers
A forest full of news
Ones gotta keep upto date
To have some valid views
Got my iTunes spinning tunes
Got my tv on remote
I'm drinking so much coffee
My teeth may start to float
I'm not doing any housework
Not doing any chores
Ain't polishing my knickknacks
Ain't hoovering my floors
The washing up can wait a while
While I lie here on my back
I made my mind up recently
Today? I'll just be slack
Not gonna run no five miles
Not gonna hit the gym
Today my energy levels
Are set right down to dim
So pass the chocolate biscuits
Break out the carrot cake
When I hit that sugar coma
DO NOT prod me awake
It's way past Sunday morning
Still lounging on the couch
Just wile away the hours
I admit that I'm a slouch
Only eight more hours
It's slack, I know, I said
But hey just don't bug me
Cos soon I'm off to bed!
Monday, February 07, 2011
Journey
Outside it's very grey
On my way to London
A businessman today
Yesterday I was daddy
To darling daughter girl
Eatin chips and fizzy pop
Sugar popcorn till we hurl
In the evening I was Rob
With daughters dizzy mum
Coffee n cakes and laughter
I think we we're having fun
Tomorrow I'll be worker bee
Lost in the mindless hive
Head stuck in my computer
Count the seconds till I leave
I really don't know who I am
And where I want to go
But it's not where you are going
But the journeys none stop show
Sometimes I might be static
Sometimes I might be lost
Sometimes I need a helping hand
To fix the fences crossed
With no handy map or compass
I'm going with the flow
Because on this mortal journey
You just never bloody know.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Where are the geeks?
I hate my desk
I hate my office
I need a rest
I hate my boss
I hate the place
I hate the smile
Across her face
I hate her words
I hate her tasks
I hate the people
Behind their masks
I hate the gossip
I hate the smarm
I hate the rules
I might self harm
I hate this pencil
I hate this pad
I hate that mouse
I might be mad
I hate my pc
I hate my phone
I hate my laptop
Don't leave me alone
I hate this morning
I hate the wait
I hate the supportdesk
The geeks are late
I hate my keyboard
I hate my water cup
I hate them mixing
My. Computers. Fucked. Up!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
mademoiselle stalker
I know she's reading this
Its probably gone past midnight
And shes probably a little bit pissed
Shes checked my dating profile
And gone to my staff page online
She been following me on twitter
As she sips sweet white wine
She got onto my facebook
Via a family friend
She notes down from my diary
Events i'm going to attend
My post its always being tampered
My parcels expertly unwrapped
Sometimes in my kitchen Im feeling
That Im just a little bit trapped
Changing my mobile number
Is not a solution for this bitch
Within the hour of changing numbers
Texts tell me its pointless to switch
My blog is not infallible
She knows Im live online
and if MSN is working
She can messenger me real time
No more a friendly 'Hi There'
No more a winking eye
Just jagged threating wordscapes
Telling me how I might die
Im in an electronic prison
Captured in a virtual hell
And my stalker, she knows, I know it
shes one twisted mademoiselle
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas Poem
There's nothing on the tele
All that's left for me to do
Is contemplate my belly
I'm having Christmas Home alone
No festive fun for me
No tinsel baubles shiny bright
No poor sad dying tree
No turkey death on the plate
No turnip, spud or sprout
No Christmas pud in alcohol
No relatives to chuck right out
Oh I've got my loverly choc Brazils
And my mighty mincey pies
Ive got the cheese and biscuits
Not telling any lies
I don't believe that Jesus said
Go get yourself in debt
Force feed yourself with Turkey
To honour what my life beget
I'm not even Christian
But would much rather see
A Christmas that was spiritual
It's got to be the key
So let's think peace and happiness
And goodwill to all mankind
And make those wishes happen
I think that we will find
That the revolutionary message
That Jesus bought to us
Would make the world a better place
So to all and everyone I wish a Happy Christ-mas
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Broke Down blues
My car it didn't start
So I rang up the garage
To quote me for the part
I got the broke down blues
The broke down blues
My car it wouldn't start
I gotta use ma shoes
Went down to the garage
It's all down the hill
I gotta get the car there
Don't worry bout no bill
Yeah got the broke down blues
The broke down blues
Gotta get ma motor running
The mechanic needs his dues
Well the man with the spanner
He say the engines shot
Not gonna get it running
And it's gonna cost a lot
I got the broke down blues
The broke down blues
Can't get to see ma baby
Ain't gonna get me no flooze
So listen hear now people
If you don't want to pay
Don't be getting your hot wheels
From an auction on eBay
Oh I got the break down blues
Yeah the break down blues
Got no wheels a turnin
Got the broke down blues
Thursday, December 09, 2010
Revolting students
We said this all along
But are facing big bad coppers
With a slogan and a song
They want an education
They don't want some hopeless debt
So they've taken to the streets
To face up to the Met
The students are revolting
Some barely in their teens
Are taking it to Parliament
They know what anger means
They face the armoured bully boys
To try to tell Nick Clegg
Now that you've all lied to us
We're gonna make you beg
The students are revolting
By dancing in the square
All they ask of parliament
Is to make the choices fair
These children of the nineties
Can only make you proud
As you stand there amongst them
That dedicated crowd
The students are revolting
They're just your kids and mine
Let's make sure they've got a future
So stand with them on the line
The students are revolting
I'm proud they made the stance
Let's sing their higher praises
And join them in the dance.
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Winter from a train
GeoTagged, [N50.89934, E3.37280]
It's icy on the outside
The fields go flashing by
Dark skeletons of tree branch
Against the darkening sky
White fields of icy sculpture
The grass an icing froth
Sheep huddled gainst the hayrick
The lakes a solid broth
Ghostly shapes emerging
From the riming mist
Bushes sparkling brightly
Whitely blushing, frost kissed
Quilted horses blowing steam
Above the icy stream
Trains hot blasting
Through this winter dream
England in the winter
A monochromatic view
From my speeding window
On the train right back to you
Landrover
Winter train poem
My nose is going blue
I've got a wooly hat on
I hope you've got one too
Cos the train is bloody freezing
It's getting rather cold
No heating in the carriage
The excuses are rather old
Can't understand why Its not working
Other carriages are warm
But hey this is Great Britain
And Great Western have got form
So a sub standard service
For a mighty mighty price
So we all sit here freezing
My toes are blocks of ice
No free hot coffee or chocolate
No refund of monies paid
Just blind indifference always
That's how profits are made
The temperature is falling
The windows covered with rime
There only one thing left to do
Men, I might be gone some time....
Friday, September 24, 2010
And now some good landrover news.
But when I picked up the disco the bill came to )230 - result!
Well done Mark and team at Malborough Garage St. Levens Rd. Plymouth. I've used em for the last 5 years and they have never let me down. 5 stars from me.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Beware the Cowboy - a lesson learnt
So Jason fixed my land rover by sorting out the electrics for me and charging me £100 for the pleasure and looking under the bonnet it seemed like he had done a good job. All the wires were nice and tidy and of course it was going so I could drive it again.
Unfortunately I was struck down with a kidney stone and didn't get to drive the disco until last friday when I had to go up to the Hospital to pick up some medicine. On my way home I noticed that I seemed to be driving in a cloud of smoke. I soon realised that I was creating the smoke and yes once again it was coming from under the bonnet!
I stopped opened the bonnet and quickly noticed that I had a fire in my engine bay - yikes - panic!
So I swiftly ripped off my tshirt to put the fire out before it got out of hand (note to self - buy a fire extinguisher - quick)
Battery £80 ish will dig out receipt when I have a minute
Electrics £100
Repair burnt electrics £30
Monday, September 06, 2010
Electricity clean simplicity!
No this isn't some sort of Modern Art this is the burnt wiring that caused my Disco panic last week when clouds of smoke poured out of my dashboard.
These are the wires that caused it. Not much plastic insulation left on them - most of it has melted.
Caused according to the sparks that sorted it by wires rubbing against stuff in the engine compartment and finally shorting out causing said plumes of smoke and stalling engine.
He also said if the circuit was a continuous one ie on all the time I would basically have been left with a pile of smoldering aluminum. As fire would have been a certainty.
That and the loads of seemingly diy wiring in the engine compartment. Now, of course, nicely squared away and shipshape like what they should be.
I'll take a picture when I can and post it.
So rolling total of spend on the disco
Alternator £55
Battery £80 ish will dig out receipt when I have a minute
Electrics £100.
Happy motoring!
Well who'd a thought it....
For better or worse I guess. The story is this. Obviously the landrover was on ebay the last time I wrote and that was because it had an electrical fault. And the last time I wrote I was in the thrall of the ebay auction - should I take cash offers, should I let the auction run?
The bidding was creeping up and I was hopeful of getting a good sale what with 24 people watching the auction and well over 500 actually having a look at the page.
But DRAMA!
At the 20th hour, the auto electrician that had come on Saturday at the behest of a mate to give my Disco the once over txted me and asked me to call him.
So I did.
Turned out his mate had bought something else so was no longer interested in my Disco (remember they had bid £500 cash on Saturday - but I had decided to let the auction run) so he could come and fix the vehicle for about £100.
Result I thought.
So I took him up on his offer and closed down the auction. This morning I left the keys at a local garage (the one I usually use by coincidence - the electrician is a mate of the owner) and before lunch I had a call that my disco was fixed - all the electrics tidied up and bingo I'm back in business.
That I am pleased is a bit of an understatement.
Saturday, September 04, 2010
The End Game
So the Land Rovers on eBay and we're entering the end game. There's 1 day 14 hours left as I write 21 people are watching the auction and someone has started the bidding at £400.
BUT I've had some one come and look at it for a mate. He was an auto electrician and he had a good poke around. Did some jiggery pokery with a wire and we started the engine. And even with the little I know it's a good engine. Only done 100k.
So his mate rang up later and offered £500! Someone else has emailed and tried the old well it's fucked I'll give you £400/450 for it. Well someone had already bid the £400 for it on eBay - duh!
So what to do? My instinct is to let the auction run and see where it goes. If I only get my £400 back - well it's a lesson to be learned.
I'd hope to break even ie get what I paid and the alternator and battery back.
Best case - make a little profit.
But we'll see.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Landrover disaster
What's this the oil light is on. So check oil - that's ok. Hmm wonder what that is?
Get home. Sit outside with the engine running thinking about the oil light when the engine stalls and lots of smoke comes out of the dashboard.
Oh no - fire! What's that? Panic
No fire. But the disco don't start. :-(
I don't think I've got the ability to sort that and I think it could be expensive.
So the new Landrover Project is now back on eBay.
Sigh
:-(
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
The return of the Alternator 2
So here's the disco ready for the minor surgery I was preparing to perform on her on Bank Holiday Monday the traditional day for tinkering around with the house or the car.
I had all the spanners laid out and my latex gloves on. First it took pictures of all the important bits
Which I will add here
Then proceeded to remove said Alternator. This is pretty easy procedure although the nuts are a bit fiddly to get to with normal spanners even with a ring end. I need to invest in a set of sockets. (I did have one can't think where they have gone)
One I had taken all the fittings off the alternator still was attached by the wiring. So I took a pic of that too
So then disconnected the electrics and fitted them to the new alternator. Together with two black boxy things that were not on the new alternator but I guessed they should be.
Getting the alternator back on was pretty straight forward.
The whole thing took me about 1hr 20 minutes
The disco started - which was suprising as I thought the battery was down BUT it didn't seem to be charging (I've got a extraneous battery charge gauge on the dash)
Took it up the local quik fit andctheyvtold me the battery wasn't charging and the alternator was only putting out 11 volts. I'm guessing the belt was still a bit loose
So I got it home and tightened the belt BUT despite me topping up the water in the battery it hadn't enough charge to start the motor.
So the story stalls here until I swop the battery from my Rover 416 to see if I have cured the alternator problem but have got a duff battery !
Thursday, August 26, 2010
The ALTERNATOR 2
So this is the new Alternator for my Land Rover Discovery 200tdi bought from my local Alternator and starter motor shop. It cost £55 brand new unused.
So the Alternators from the carbreakers online cost £40 plus carriage. With a 90 day warranty. So that's gotta cost about 50 quid or more with the carriage.
So why buy a scrapper when you can buy new for about the same price.
So I went into Halfords in Plymouth City Centre to buy a new belt for the alternator. But left after a few minutes figuring that if the guy on the till cannot workout how to use the till to find the correct belt any advice or help I was going to get would be suspect. And this isn't a new till guy. He's been there a long time but the till was still beating him. Then in the middle of serving me he started to help someone else.
So I'm going to a proper motor factors place with proper grease monkeys on the till
Now I want to fit the Alternator I'll take pictures and post them here
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
OOOppps I just bought a Landrover Discovery 200tdi
Why you ask?
I did it because I was pining for my old land rover like a Norwegian blue pines for the fiord's. And it was a cheap bargain O'Bargain.
A picture will be posted later of course, because at the moment all I have is a picture of the Alternator.
O well if you do really want to see the Land Rover part by part here's the alternator.
But it will not be The Alternator for much longer because The Alternator 2 will be coming to a Land Rover near you soon. So enjoy while you can.
Tomorrow - the new Shock Absorbers, they're green and they are MEAN!
Yes I bought a Landrover Discovery 200tdi J reg (1991) the last Disco I had had to be sold to finance the D.I.V.O.R.C.E. and to keep the solicitors in Porches and Ferrari's for doing next to no work. (And nice work if you can get it I might add - much better than having an 'ology like me(
And it was cheap. £400! with tax, mot and off road wheels and tyres extra as well as the full set (5) of alloys. Diesels not smoky and runs great, leather seats. The inside trim is a bit ropey and mucked about with, the indicator indicator(?) is not working, but other things seem to be.
Its been lifted 2 inches and has front front protection things on it an all.
Of course the Alternator needs replacing but still that's only £55 new from the local Alternator shop.
So here start the adventures of Dr. Rob and his Red Land Rover.
Oh and I bought some trim wipes in the pound shop too.....(£1)
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
57 Channels and there ain't nothing on
With a trunkload of hundred thousand dollar bills
Man came by to hook up my cable TV
We settled in for the night my baby and me
We switched 'round and 'round 'til half-past downT
There was fifty-seven channels and notin' on (Springsteen)
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Revolution Baby - Whatever happened to the Heroes?

Well, you know
We all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
But
As soon as you’re born they make you feel small,
By giving you no time instead of it all,
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all,
They hurt you at home and they hit you at school,
They hate you if you're clever and they despise a fool,
Till you're so fucking crazy you can't follow their rules,
When they've tortured and scared you for twenty odd years,
Then they expect you to pick a career,
When you can't really function you're so full of fear,
Keep you doped with religion and sex and TV,
And you think you're so clever and classless and free,
But you're still fucking peasants as far as I can see.
Words and lyrics by the Beatles/John Lennon over 30 years ago. But given the economic crisis we find ourselves in why aren’t people taking to the streets. Where have all the revolutionaries gone?
Whatever happened to Leon Trotsky?
He got an ice pick that made his ears burn
Whatever happened to the heroes?
Whatever happened to the heroes?

The economy is down the toilet, we are in recession, the gap between richer and poor has widened and is widening rapidly, The banks have collapsed but the bankers are paying themselves huge bonuses while some people live on less than one dollar a day. Petrol prices are going up. Our politicians of all colours and in most countries seem to be bent, crooked, sex fiends, Nazis, Fascists and downright loony’s. We're fighting wars in the Middle East against what seem to be Medieval warlords and warriors with AK47's and an endless supply of IED's and we're losing. And who gives a fuck except the oil barons and the warlords who will taken any money off anyone and in the meantime we, you and I are paying for it. Plus the State is using all of this to tighten its grips on us at home in the name of security against terrorism. Hmmm, 20 years ago when the IRA were successfully exploding bombs all over the place as and when they wanted to I can't remember being stopped from taking photographs in London and other places because of 'national security'. And I guess even this blog might be picked up by some secret eavesdropping tool and my name get put on a list for even raising the subject.
The Stranglers (above) are right to ask where are all our heroes? Where are the soapbox revolutionaries like Lenin and Trotsky, the unnamed trade union, leaders of the close past that roared and fought for workers rights, people like the Tolpuddle Martyrs who were sent to Australia for the crime of 'association'.
Why is no one complaining about the state of affairs we find ourselves in? Is it because as David Bowie sings: The workers have struck for fame, 'cause Lennon's (or Lenin take yer pick) on sale again.". Is that a fortunate look into the future - to our reality where people are doped with religion and sex and TV (lets add the internet here also) and everyone thinks they are going to be famous and win the lottery or win the X Factor or Britain’s Got Talent (has it?) because its 'their life' - 'their dream'. So we don’t really care that the worlds down the tubes and we are still getting exploited and downtrodden whilst the fat cat Bourgeoisie bankers salt it away as long as some fat bird can hit a high note or a celebrity can dance?
Once upon a time I would have happily simply seen the Monarchy dissembled Let HM go and live on a nice estate somewhere and let’s use all that money for something else. I wouldn't want to go as far as the revolutionary Comrades did in Russia. And do away with the Monarchy. (and before you complain lets get this straight the revolution in the soviet union was a middle class revolution - it was not a Marxist revolution - there was not an industrial proletariat which is what Marx argues was needed for a revolution - that’s why we needed a 1st World War to stop the proletariat rising let them massacre each other in the fields of France - and by the way, Lenin’s Bolsheviks were a bunch of middle class academics as was Lenin himself ) Anyway where was I , yes lets not send the Monarchy to the guillotine they deserve to understand what its like to live on a council estate and eat £1 ready meals from Iceland.
As a political class we HAVE been emasculated, even the very act of voting and the electoral process has become a farce - just look at the way our politicians preen themselves and try to present themselves - not a single useful thought or policy amongst them . And I’m sorry to hark back to past thinkers but Lenin (or was it Marx) was right in telling us that democracy and voting is worthless, political parities simply vie to manage capitalism - they only offer us a different way to manage the same thing - Capitalism. And over a hundred years ago Marx told us that Capitalism was going to collapse under its own momentum - and it is. Marx must be rolling in his grave laughing his ass off as he watches the US becoming bankrupt - all the Western States are bankrupt - the whole system is based upon a house of worthless promises we call cash - we've seen it happen just in the last 12 months - its a House of Cards - worthless. Paper and promises that are worth nothing once confidence is lost. Notice not cold hard cash or gold, no confidence in whatever it is we call the economy or even those sheets of paper that tell us are worth five or ten pounds, if we lose confidence in the promise then we are lost and will go the way of Zimbabwe and its currency (and don't tell me the Mugabe is in any sense following a Marxist model - purleese)
I'm not even advocating a Marxist revolution by the way (Special Branch please note as this is important). What I am wondering is why o why is nobody shouting this from the streets, a hundred years ago we would have had riots in the streets about MP's expenses. Lynch mobs would have been out - the strongest critique of all these idiocies seems to be Steve Bell cartoons in the Guardian. And the 'disgraced' MP's probably will buy the original to hang in their homes , paid for, painted, moated, duck islanded, lightbulbed, protected, window cleaned, used as love nests by us - yes us - our money is simply being used (as always ) by this political middle class/aristocracy and NO ONE IS DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
Is it really this?
Keep you doped with religion and sex and TV,
And you think you're so clever and classless and free,
But you're still fucking peasants as far as I can see,
That we are so fucking comfortable in our MDS settees drinking Stella wife beater watching our 46 inch Samsung surround sound TV's that churns out tat like Eastenders, Coronation St, X Factor , Britain’s Got Talent ect eating delivery pizzas so that we can't be arsed to drag our fat asses out to the barricades and shout about the state of things.
If this is it. If this is the End of History - then I want out.
Making you aware of the state of things
A little introduction to the state of things
I'm making to sing about the state of things
They never taught you at school about the state of things
I'm telling you straight about the state of things
1-9-8-4 state of things
Cuts me wide open, the state of things
I am the reverend, I'll tell you about the state of things (Thank you Reverend and the Makers)
So, my friend, I wish that you could see,
Never make a politician grant you a favour;
Thank you Mr Bob Marley
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Tis the eve of my birthday.
And I'm lieing in my bed
If the year was really 1710
I'd probably now be dead
But now we Live forever
A hundred years or more
I've only got some 44
It sounds a wretched bore
So I'm now not even middle aged
Just over blooming youth
Tell that to my aching knees
And this niggling bitchy tooth
Tell that to the ladies
Or should I call them women
No all us hearty single men
Are obssesed with looks and slimming
Am I really all that bothered
Should I really give a shit
As I wait here for my birthday
I suppose a little bit
But this birthday time I'm single
Got no one in my bed
I tell you what I think I'll do
Is paint the bloody town red!
Happy birthday me!
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Monday, March 01, 2010
On the train poem
I thought that you were bored
But now that you want one
How my heart has soared
Shall I rite about the train
And of my little trip
Or shall I be all arty
And rite something really hip
Or maybe just a love poem
But valentines has gone
Let's see how many to rite to
Er yes oh right just none
So I rite a rustic poem
About the country fair
As it flashes by the window
Look there and there and there
I'll rite about the cows and sheep
And all that rustic stuff
And rabbits in the greeny fields
Little grey balls of fluff
I bet with all this riting
You really are quite bored
But really rustic poems
I'm not a poetic fraud.
Sent from my iPhone
Train poem - en route to London
Wallowing in the mud
Did you really know
They make sausages from their blood
Now a few more horsies
And a farm just by a lake
And some trees and grass and stuff
And a wigwam goodness sake
It's all very exciting
The journey on a train
There's a browny river
By a little country lane
And now a barn in a field
And haybails on the grass
A great big stoney chimney
On the left as we pass
And then a little cottage
Flying past so very fast
And then a lovely Norman church
Reminders of our past
A White van making deliveries
Then a wooden style
Over a wooded footpath
That meanders on for miles
So this is what I'm seeing
On the outside of my train
The beauty that is England
In the pouring rain
Sent from my iPhone
Train poem 1 - on the train
I can even hear it flush
It's also a bit pongy
Of that bluey chemical slush
I might just eat my apple
And my can of pepsi coke
I'll be very very careful
In case I start to choke
The countryside is beautiful
I've seen a sewage farm
And horses in their coaties
Doing no one any harm
I've seen lots and lots of cowies
Standing around and farting
It's really them I blame
For all this global warming
I really should be eating them
To teach them a big lesson
But then I have to shoot em
With my great big Smith n Wesson. ( difficult rhyme there)
So there's another poem
I hope it brings you joy
And I'd better get a txt back saying
Brilliant brilliant boy!
X
Sent from my iPhone
Who has made the decision that we are all STUPID? SpecSavers?
Ok so I have taken all the advice and I did go to SpecSavers (that my employers divies up some cash for my computer specs is nether here nor there)
But who has given the order that every customer must be treated like an imbecile or is it the fear of litigation that makes them spell out every little thing as if I have never worn glasses ever in my whole life? (I am 56 and have worn glasses since I was about 8 - so I have some experience)
First I'm told that I need varifocals (well they've been telling me this for years but I have resisted mainly on the grounds of pure vanity). So OK vanity is for Chavs and teenagers so I go with the suggestion of varifocals. But its not simple is it. First I have to have a demonstration. Hang on I gasp, a demonstration of what - of how to look through glasses apparently.
I tell the young lady that no demonstration is necessary just lets order the lenses and get on with in. No, Im told its procedure, she has to go through with the demonstration. I relent a little bit - she puts some plastic abominations on my face and asks me to look around. I do. Well? She says. Well what? I say. Any problems? She says. I say, no Ive been looking through glasses for nearly 50 years and have managed quite well without any training - please can we get on to purchasing the glasses. No, the demonstration isn't finished. I remonstrate and get the manager.
The manager takes me through a short explanation of varifocals which finishes with the advice that the varifocal lenses will cost another £150 over and above the £140 Im paying for the frames (BoGof)- Ah ha - thus the need for the 'demonstration' its to lead you to the finale and the payoff - another £150 in their pockets.
I refuse and get what I wanted in the first place. Two pairs of distance glasses one tinted for the sun and one pair for my computer vision. Sorted.
So today, I am back at SpecSavers. For my fitting. They have lost my glasses. The woman spends ages faffing around looking in drawers, telephoning people up (remember I am meant to be in work) until another woman opens the same drawer and finds the three pairs straight away - Oh how we laffed!
Then I'm fitted. This is what the consultant optician told me (and he gave me a leaflet)
1. Clean lenses with the appropriate Specsavers cleaning spray and micro-fibre cloth. He added don't use pullovers, shirts, handkerchiefs and so on. Obviously the advice of a man who has never worn glasses in his life! No, pants are softer - but not women's knickers because they have crinkly lace all over them - socks are good to btw.
2. Avoid putting your glasses face down on any surface - this is advice always followed to the letter for oh at least two days with new glasses - then who cares - get in to bed take them off sling them onto the bedside table, floor anywhere as long as you can reach them in the morning with out having to look. Why? Cos most of us are verging on being nearly blind and having to search for your glasses on a cold morning in ones underpants is not pretty.
3. Use both hands to remove your glasses to prevent undue stress on one side of frame. eh? Its often been the case when I have been in a romantic clinch that warming up very nicely that I have had to stop the proceeding's to remove my glasses with both hands (thus having to remove them (my hands) from some very warm and naughty parts btw) and then find a safe place to put my glasses remembering of course to avoid putting them face down.
4. Keep your glasses in the case provided whenever you are not wearing them. This will further reduce the possibility of scratching, protect them against breakage and will help maintain a comfortable fit - Duh. I've tried wearing them whilst they are in the case, but this has ended up with me scratching myself and breaking my nose from walking into things because I COULD NOT SEE. And who wants to carry around three boxes, Ive got my distance glasses, my computer glasses and my sun glasses. And anyway that's what the top of your head is for - to perch your other glasses on. Then all you have to do is to give them a wipe to remove the hair wax with the sleeve of your pullover or the leg of your pants or a table napkin what evers easiest - because usually I haven't bought or ever owned any SpecSaver cleaning spray and I lose the free micro-fibre cloth after about three days.
5. Avoid leaving your glasses in extreme temperatures. I never leave them in the oven - they flavour the pies - but I am worried about the four eyed brethren amongst the intrepid Antarctic expedition, what do they do? - or do their glasses fall apart at -30? Perhaps they just leave them in the box.
Yes being speccy was once a sign of being swotty and intelligent whats happened?
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Monday, February 08, 2010
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
BirdGuides Photo of the Year 2009
I saw this and thought you should see it:
http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2010/1/28/1264696453754/BirdGuides-Photo-of-the-Y-011.jpg
Sent via the Guardian's iPhone application.
Get it Here
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Wee wee
PostSecret Number of gallons of water saved in one year by peeing in the shower daily: 1,157
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, January 15, 2010
First Great Western Trains
It's going awful slow
It will take just two eternities
To get to somewhere I know
Then if I get to Taunton
Two million light years yet
It'll only be three eons
Before Totnes I bet
And after endless ages
Have slowly gone astray
We might make Newton Abbot
Hip hip hip hip hurray
And through time and space an swirly stuff
To that timewarped Ivybridge
Where the sands of time stand stilly stalled
Well haul in the sails and luff
So the winds of time can blow us
Through centuries of time
If I thought it any quicker
I might have took the bus
And although this mighty traveller is grizzled and he's tough
The ages he has travelled have been hard and mighty rough
But he'll not roar and moan or get all nasty gruff
But please please please please please please please let me off in old
Plymuff!
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Welcome home!
Heerrumph this is me crossing Dartmoor en-route home after the sun, sex and nakedness of my winter sun break. Back to work tomorrow - Ill just pause for another hurump!
Lots of snow over the moors, but even as I was toasting in the canarian sun there was a little bit of me that was yearning to get home to see the snow. Its strange isn't it - how we Brits like our seasons. One often hears of ex-pats complaining that they miss the seasons in their parched part of the world and I slightly understood that.
I went for a walk through the local woods and I must say it was startlingly beautiful. The snow on the trees, carpeting the ground - I took some photos which I'll post once they are off my camera.
So back to work - harump!
Saturday, January 09, 2010
The last parrot
cos I'm certain to be shivering em back in the uk tonite.
So this is a parrot, a captive parrot which I am not in favour of. But
at least it's not extinct like the Norwegian Blue. And here in Gran
Canaria I have seen a real flock of live parrots or parotkeets flying
around
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, January 08, 2010
Naked Beach Volleyball
post much nakedness but couldn't help it. Here is the naked beach
volleyball I happened upon today. It was a shock. I don't want to
stereotype but I think they were all German.
This picture also illustrates the meerkatism that seems to inflict
these people as soon as they are naked ie the standing up legs akimbo
hands on hips stance showing it off to the world. And that's both
males and females and all nationalities not just the Germans - I am
not being discriminitory here.
I also went for a swim in the sea with a lot of naked people. I'm glad
I kept my board shorts on because the rip was so strong that I'm sure
some knackers must have been ripped off! Indeed just after I got put
the life guard made people leave the water or a least only paddle.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, January 07, 2010
Jacuzzi
please) there are three jacuzzis. Sounds a treat doesn't it. And they
are heated to a nice barhwater type temperature. And I'm sure you'll
agree that people look relaxed in them.
Yes relaxing nicely in a warm soup of bacteria, germs, sweat and other
bodily fluids, urine, faeces, skin cells, DNA, dirt and and I can't/
daren't think what else. I'm not going anywhere near them!
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Cactus
wise men leave gifts for the children. In Britain I understand that
the gift has been 6 inches of Snow and Bristol airport is shut. I
wonder if I'll get home this Saturday?
Sent from my iPhone
Pics
today. I thought that because most of you are up to your armpits in
snow I would send some topical tropical pics. So this ones bouganville
from along the prom prom prom.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, January 04, 2010
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Windmills
on the beach at Playa Del Ingles Gran Canaria (temp 29 degrees today)
or pictures from the nudist beach I seem to have wandered onto this
morning.
I'll tell you it is pretty surreal standing at a beach bar with naked
men and women next to you. And can you tell me why all nudists seem to
spend a disproportionate lenght of tome standing with their hands on
their hips. I have never noticed us clothies doing that on a beach. Or
why do they seem to have to do a lot of things by bending over?
Here's a fashion tip girls - a lot of women seem to be shaving their
bits - I can tell you for a fact it's quite disconcerting to come face
to face with so many outside of an intimate session with a girlfriend
or porno mags!
Having a great time - wish you were here!
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, January 02, 2010
Gran Canaria
Canaria. I'm surfing on someones Internet connect as there isn't one
in the hotel I'm staying in.
I sent the photo below after I spotted this huge arrow on the top of
the clouds pointing the way back home. Is that an omen or what? Or
maybe it's a regular sign put there so pilots can find their way back.
Who knows?
It's 18 degrees here at the moment. And it's 9:30 at night - bliss.
There's a huge full moon out over the Atlantic and I've got a big
bottle of cold beer.
I'm glad I could get my picture off though.
More tomorrow!
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, January 01, 2010
Happy new year
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Thursday, December 31, 2009
3 years later......
So if the proof is in the pudding here I am back blogging and feeling like I want to write again. So perhaps all's well that ends well. Its New Years Eve and Ive been wanting to do one of those projects that makes you rich when some publisher or producer finds your blog and enjoys it so much they immediately want to pay you loads of money for the book and film rights. So I have been toying with a few ideas. Obviously Belle de Jour cornered the prostitution market so that's out. And in truth I didn't really see myself as a high class 55 year old male hooker - and I'm not sure what the market is like here in Plymouth - I guess all those matlots have lots of money when they come off their ships - but think about the diseases - eek.
No I need something different, something eye catching and new and modern. Phew its hard. I'm thinking about posting a picture a day - so a picture about my life every single day of the year. I know its been done before but this year I am looking to change my life. I'm fed up with my job and am seriously looking to move. So it might be quite significant. Ive started the change by resigning a job I had with the Open University. So I am on the path - lets hope its not a slippery slope.
So that's what I going to try and do. The problem is, is I am going to fall at the starting line as I am off to Gran Canaria on Saturday and may not be able to blog till I get home. I going to set up my phone to be able to blog from it - but I may be prohibitively expensive unless I can find free wi fi.
So the first pick will be New Years Day.
Lets hope my muse stays with me for the year!
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Its a hard knock life
There are lots of things I could write about but for the time being I am all written out, I have been pouring out report after report at work and its exhusting to try and think of something to write on this blog. I should be writing a report now and they are about a month late!!
So I will try to be better please keep the faith
Love to you all
rob
Friday, July 14, 2006
Blimey Is it that Long
I have been really busy these past few months and have not had the free time to sit and blog or even read blogs so the blogiverse has been passing me by and not noticing apart from Gemmack that is!
Anyway the most interesting thing has happened to me, I seem to have turned into a grumpy old man. And its happened almost over night. Just until recently I was the friendly and calm Dr. Rob you all know and love, but recently I have had some venom! Everything has been annoying me. And I don't think its just the heat. Oh I know I was always one to complain at resturants, but they always desearve it, now I seem to spend a lot of time muttering under my breath about things, people, service, jobs, children furry bunny rabbits and so on.
It came to a point when just this week we had to have a meeting with Enterprise the car hire people because even they had got fed up with my complaining. But once again they deserved it, late cars, dirty smelly cars, damaged cars, surly staff (surly because they are all graduates and the best job they can get is renting cars!) the list goes on, anyway the conclusion of the meeting was I'm right, they're useless and we'll be renting our cars off Vospers from now on! Na nan na na na.
What to do, I know that actually a could do with about a month in a place that has a bona fide Maharishi where I could chant quietly, do soome meditation and yoga on the beach as the sun shines gently down on my relaxing body. But the bloody Greek Embassy can't promise a Schengen Visa for my wife before the dates we want, they can't promise anything not even a quick hummus kebab. And we only want two weeks in Crete please mr nice Greek consulate man, if you're reading this - get a spurt on for Zeus's sake!
We also went to Cambridge for their open day, what a shambles!!! Just because they're the best doesn't mean to say you can't put a bit of an effort into it, not one of the colleges gave so much as a pen away, my uni gives away mountains of them and other stuff as well. My wife was heart broken, what no pens and just a few measly plastic carrier bags, how would that look to her folks back home in Ukraine if we can't send them any freebies.
I mean at least Oxford gave us a lunch! All cambridge could muster was a few fancy bisuits and a plastic cup of tepid orange juice, this for someone who had had to get up at 3.30 a.m. in the morning (middle of the night really) and drive for 5 hours just to get there for the first meetings.
And why o why o why do cambridge seem to employ excentrics as their top people, is it that thing about the line between brilliance and madness is a fine one. Looneys the lot of them!
And even worse my stepson wanted to go to look at the Computer Science Department - ha Geek City Central U.K. is what it should be called. All sandels, google tee shirts and mad hair and thats just the lecturers!
It was pointed out to us by the king of the mad people - the dean of faculty I think he's called, that most of the idiot savants stumbling around the building were probably millionaires or well on the way to becoming one, he himself, I was told had started 12 businesses! And was one of those said millionaires. Actually not much was said about the actual learning of computer science per se, but a lot was said about becoming millionaires, great incentive to keep the application numbers up hey!
The punting was nice though!
Anyway see how irritable I've got, ypou're actually quite lucky that I haven't been blogging for the past month or so or I might have had to vent my spleen!
Have a nice day now!
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Bank Holiday Blues
I had a pretty traditional bank holiday – I trashed the bathroom and bought a sofa!
But I also experience the motorway on Friday evening as the great bulk of London decided to make their way South West to Devon and Cornwall for their short break. I had never experienced this before and it was, I can tell you quite alarming. The motorway was overfull and the traffic was moving quite slowly out of London, but that didn’t stop some people trying to reach their destination much quicker than the rest of us. These were the people, often in highly priced cars who simply forgot, or just ignored the basic practices of driving on motorways.
One of the key ‘rules of the road’ in this country is not to undertake. Visitors to Britain will notice that lane discipline on the roads is quite strict and most people do stick to the rules. But not on a bank holiday Friday on the motorways out of London. It was exhausting, not only having to cope with the slow moving traffic but watch out for the kamikaze drivers zipping along on your offside, these are the ones that are not to visible in the mirrors and because of the discipline one doesn’t often expect to have large cars zipping past the passenger doors.
The other thing I noticed was that when we stopped at Reading Services, the place was heaving. This was I expect because all the townies, enroute to Cornwall, were panic buying at the Marks and Spencer’s outlet that is now part of this particular Motorway service station. I guess they were filling up on food in the expectation that in deepest darkest Cornwall they would have to spend the weekend living off pasties and fish n chips rather than this slightly upper crust junk food that they are used to.
I was in London to get visa’s for my wife and family, who are, as you know, Ukrainian, we had to go to Croydon to be exact. When ones goes through this, it has to be planned meticulously months in advance, the right papers have to be generated and collated, bank statements and pay slips have to be saved, letters with names and dates from utility companies have to be placed in date order and so on.
I have been quite satisfied with myself that over the past few years all the visa’s I have had to apply for have been granted, due I am sure to my meticulous planning. So it was a bit of a shock to find that upon arriving at the IND offices in Croydon to find that not only had I used the wrong form fro Vitaly, but I had also forgotten to take my PIN number for the credit card I was going to use to pay the £1000 fee! Disaster! Fortunatly I had just been paid so could use my debit card, the downside of this, of course is now we cannot eat for the rest of the month nor pay the mortgage!
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
The Sound of Silence
Enjoy the Eurovision song contest in the mean time !
Friday, May 05, 2006
The Proof of the Pudding
| You Are Gonzo the Great |
"Is something burning in here? Oh, it's just me." You're a total nutball who will do anything for attention. The first to take a dare, you'll pull almost any stunt. You're one weird looking creature, but your chickens don't mind! |
Expensive driving - cheap diesel
So it was that I used the Moto Services in Reading, I used the facilities and decided that I was hungrey and didn’t really want to eat another sandwich. So I went to look at the hotplate, maybe they had a baked potato or something. The time was about 8 o’clock in the evening – they were selling breakfast! And that’s all!
Since when has the ‘all day breakfast’ become the staple diet in this country? Why can’t a large company like Moto provide some sort of decent food for travellers. I know it was tempting fate, because the last time I visited this particular Moto, I was faced with the same problem, then they only had fish and chips on offer, no other food, nothing for vegetarians, well here at least I could have had, should I have wanted a grease laden plate the veggie breakfast! No thanks.
So it was back to the ubiquitous sandwich, I am getting sick of cheese ploughman’s!
The other thing about the motoway services that I noticed was that the diesel was now over £1 a litre!
My solution is hereYou know it makes sense!























